It is entirely possible I suppose that the lows might be hormone related. Whatever the reason I find myself wondering why I am constantly thinking of my parenting inadequacies. People reassure me time and time again that I am a good mother, a normal mother, and that my kids won't suffer too much from the occasional outburst.
Something I wonder about, if it is the cause of my insecurities as a parent, is my time at work in the nursery. I was 19 when I started working there, unqualified, and put into a job which SHOULD have been given to a qaulified member of staff. I was there for 3 years, and by the end of my time there, I felt tearful a lot of the time. I used my walk home from the school to process my day, but still, there were so many issues there. I was disliked by most of my colleagues. My immediate boss outright bullied me. When she went on maternity leave I felt relieved, and when she had the baby, I became extremely anxious that she would return to work again. My new boss while she was on leave was LOVELY. Having been away from there for 7 years, I kind of know why they didn't like me. I was young, somewhat immature, very inexperienced, and lacking in common sense, yet all the while trying to act like I knew what I was doing. Memories of a few incidents while I was there make me embarrassed at best, and relieved that there were other people watching out and there to pick up the pieces. There was at least one occasion where something happened that COULD have been disastrous, and landed me me in a LOT of trouble. The one that springs to mind was when I didn't see who took a child home. The parents are supposed to wait til I acknowledge them before they take their children, but on one occasion, a parent (or brother or sister - who knows??!) must have ushered a child away when my attention was elsewhere. When I realised, I started panicking, but trying not to tell anyone what I did! I should have followed up by talking to my boss (the one who bullied me) about what had happened, and by calling the child's home to check they'd got there ok. But I didn't, and spent the next day worrying until she was dropped off the next session.
So many other things, not quite so serious but still bad memories, blatent inadequate in the ability to do the job, I can't help but think it must still be lingering in my subconscious today, feeding my feelings of inadequacy as a parent. I think of my bully boss every now and then, and the others who disliked me, and wonder what they would think if they knew I had two small boys. I can't imagine they would be filled with confidence either. Sometimes I even dream of the bully boss. Mostly it's her being her normal self, and occasionally I get a dream where she's actually been nice to me.
I actually wonder if I was depressed while working there without even realising it. Which would bring me to 4 depressive episodes within the last 11-12 years.
It does sound like you suffered from depression then too, but things worked out in the end. At that age though, none of us are great at what we start off jobwise, it can take YEARS of experience to gain confidence.
ReplyDeleteI think this is part of your problem sometimes, you lack confidence in yourself. You ARE a great mum, a GREAT person and you constantly drag yourself through a mangle. Of course, it's easier said than done and it is a common sign of depression so it's a vicious circle.
I am glad you are getting help from your GP it's a big step to ask for help and I am so PROUD of you for facing your fears and tackling them. Too many people don't.
(ps, trust me, If I lived nearer, I would be at your door with a big hug and a big mug of steaming coffee for a chat. xxxx)