Having read Megan's latest entry about her mother-in-law, I desperately want to regain the level of writing I used to produce. Lately my entries are matter-of-fact, sprinkled with anecdotes and "thinkings-aloud". When I first started blogging around 9 years ago, each entry was like a story in itself. I wrote not only to portray day-to-day happenings, but also to release a bit of creative spark and energy. My creativeness has taken on many forms over the years. I started out with fiction while I was at school, which then became blogging, then I started designing web page layouts for Diaryland, which I did for about three years. I did a short stint of re-colourising black and white photographs for fun. Then after making my wedding invitations myself I wanted to do more handmade cards. And my latest creative spark is of course my custom signatures for people, and other web graphics. But blogging has remained a constant, and like all parts of my life has morphed and changed as I have changed as a person. During my angsty teenage years I wrote very deeply about all aspects of my feelings. As I have become more busy I update less and what I do write is often more rushed, as I try and cram in as much of what has happened in the past however many days as possible into a short amount of writing. "We went here, we did this, it was so cute" and so on.

My life since becoming a mum is much more than "we did that, we went there". Sometimes it's sitting on the sofa with my head in my hands, tears rolling down my cheeks in frustration, or tiredness, or just plain "I can't do this anymore". Sometimes it's smiling and laughing, playing, splashing, having fun. Sometimes it's quiet reflection, feeling pride and joy for the new things my little boy has done. And sometimes... it's all three. Like today.

There is a high possibility that there are more teeth on the way, which is preventing him from sleeping very well. Napping today has been troublesome, and an early start has left me basically tired all day! And since he has gone to bed this evening, he has been waking up hourly, which means that I am knackered already and will be finishing this tomorrow!

Another bad night and early start. But luckily Robert decided his morning nap was going to be longer than yesterday's, so I am feeling a little more refreshed now! I still could have done with another 3 hours as lately I am so so sleep deprived. It does make me wonder why I want another child when the child I already have is causing me so much tiredness! And with it, the feeling like I am just not able to cope with anything. It amazes me how, when there is the possibility of pregnancy, however small, that the body seems to magically produce pregnancy symptoms that make you wonder if you are already or not. The last week or so I have been feeling a little bit sick, I keep feeling little twinges down there. And along with the phantom kicks that for a second make me wonder if I'm crazily far along in another pregnancy before I realise how stupid that is!

Since I became pregnant with Robert, my mother and I have become much closer. During my teens I clammed up, and never told her a thing during my depression. Last night I told her how Jonathan and I were trying for number 2, and that she was the first and probably only family to know about it. I was actually thinking last night, that when I do get pregnant again, and I think about labour and birth, I might actually consider having my mum there too, as she was brilliant shortly after Robert's birth. This is assuming I can have another home birth, and if not, if the swine flu crisis is over and people are allowed more than one visitor in hospital with them. I haven't told her, or even Jonathan about that yet, as there is plenty of time before it even becomes an issue!

I do think about the potential age gap of my children regularly. Part of me thinks any age gap will be fine, and part thinks I would prefer a slightly bigger age gap. I think though I am perfectly happy to just see what happens. I am not desperate to get pregnant again straight away but I do know that whenever I do, I will be so so excited! Every day that passes, Robert becomes less like a baby and more like a little boy, and that thought saddens me and excites me simultaneously! I love seeing him change, grow and develop but I am so sad that my first baby's babyhood is whizzing by so quickly. Robert it seems, is set to follow in his uncle Stephen's footsteps, literally, which makes him being named after him rather apt. Stephen was walking at 9 months old, something which until a few days ago I thought was possible for Robert, but not likely. Now it is likely, as he is now standing unaided for longer and longer periods of time, and yesterday he took his first deliberate unaided step!

Yesterday he stood unaided for long enough for me to take three photos of him before he flopped down onto his bottom! (And then crawled towards me with a cheeky grin all over his face!)









He is just so pleased with himself when he stands, which is adorable!



Robert turns 9 months old on the 23rd August. I really wouldn't be surprised AT ALL if he was to be walking by September. But I WOULD be surprised if he wasn't walking by October!