Hi everyone, thank you (again!) for the comments, especially Alice - I have been reading your diary for so long (since you were TTC Arthur), I think that you are a great mummy and would hate or at least look down on me for how I've been with Robert - you can't imagine how surprised I was to read your comment yesterday! And for the other comments I appreciate them too. Although - Jemma, unfortunately I don't have a huge supply of breast milk built up, we've been using it as we've been going along to give me breaks from him in the evening, or for my MIL to give him while FIL takes me shopping.
The health visitor did not turn up yesterday, or even phone, which leads me to believe that maybe the doctor's surgery was closed yesterday with the snow which has finally travelled north to the midlands! We had about 3 inches yesterday, which did compact down a bit during the day (or at least the snow on the table looked less and less), had a bit overnight, but not a lot, but since about 7am it's been snowing heavily again, so I predict a few more inches before the snow stops.
I cannot tell you how much I have been ITCHING to go out there yesterday and this morning! I absolutely love the snow, feeling it crunch underfoot, seeing footprints and tire tracks, seeing how softly it covers everything like icing sugar. I wish Robert was old enough to take out there and make a snowman with and have a snowball fight and go sledging.
Talking of Robert, which reminds me of the whole PND thing, I remember a comment someone left on the baby forums - how I was only thinking about the negatives, and not all the positive things I do for Robert every day. It's so hard to think about the positives when the negatives weigh so heavily in your mind. I wondered how Robert could carry on grinning at me despite what I had done to him earlier in the day. And put it down to babies not remembering far back. Scared that if it carried on as he got older, he'd start to remember more and more, and hate being with his Mummy. Which is one of the main reasons I talked about it with other people, to get it off my chest and see if they could offer advice.
Even though the Health Visitor didn't come yesterday (and most likely won't today either), I have not been rough with Robert for about 48 hours now. Although yesterday I did have a moment I came close. I'd just fed him up, was trying to burp him, and he was looking sleepy, put him down and he started grizzling after a while, picked him up and he burped almost straight away, put him down, and he started crying straight away (which is unusual), picked him up, cuddled him a bit, he was still looking sleepy, so put him down again, and again he burst into tears immediately. Picked him up again, held him up against my chest, and came in here to read some emails/forums while jiggling him, but he wasn't having any of that, started screaming again. That's when I started to get a bit frustrated, when I would have thrown him on the bed before, or maybe jiggled him so hard for a few seconds it was practically like shaking him. Great for a screaming baby huh? But I didn't, I carried on jiggling him gently, despite beginning to feel a bit desperate, and after a short while I looked at his face in the mirror and he was looking VERY sleepy, so put him down and he had a nap! I have felt MUCH more in control these last few days. I cannot believe how empowering it has been to simply talk, know that I'm not alone, know that I can get better, know that I have people around to support me and not judge me, or take my baby away.
I do think back to when he was born occasionally. It doesn't make me cry like it once did, but I do still think about when the midwives were trying to resucitate him on the floor, and how I felt about the whole situation and about HIM. How I just felt numb to him, like he wasn't my baby. It was probably a coping mechanism my body produced, because if he had died, after I spent so long with him in me, an uncomplicated pregnancy, for him to not survive birth.. if I saw him as just "a" baby and not "my" baby, I probably would have been able to cope with his death a little better.
But maybe some of these numb feelings had lingered in a way. In the moments I get stressed, and am rough with him, or having the urge to hurt him, I have looked at him with such hostility towards him. In those moments, I feel as though I really hate him! Like he's not burping, or feeding every hour, or unlatching and biting my nipple ON PURPOSE. (Which, incidentally, scared me about what I would do when he's older, and IS playing up on purpose)
But when I'm not stressed, I look at my little boy with the love and affection and WONDERMENT I always want to look at him with. I always seem so amazed how he has come about from a tiny tiny cell, grown from that into an independantly minded young person. And also how darn CUTE he is. I'm a lucky lucky girl that's for sure.
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