Nicky's Lil' Ones

A quick promotion post

2012-01-18T10:45:00.003Z

I have a facebook page set up for my graphic images and have just released a set of Valentine's card templates to be personalised. I will be adding birthdays, mother's day, father's day, easter, christmas, and other selections over time! I would appreciate it if you were to "like" the page, and share amongst your facebook (or indeed, real life) friends :)

NicNak Designs on Facebook

A little late...

2012-01-15T21:35:00.004Z

Well seeing as our Christmas photos have now been uploaded I thought I'd write a little Christmas post :) And thank you for the comments the other day, I felt the blog was due a change, and trying to get the weather to brighten up by putting a spring theme on it ;)

Having 3 lots of grandparents (the kids' not ours!) to fit in seeing, meant that we had four "christmasses" this year! We spent Christmas Eve at the in-laws, as they were going to Jonathan's sister for Christmas Day. We spent Christmas Day together as a family, and then on Boxing Day headed down to Kent to see my parents over a couple of days. We only have photos up til Christmas Day right now so I will have to just post those :)

Christmas 2011 had us feeling like it crept up on us yet again - and so stressed out was I that I didn't bother sending out any Christmas cards, but only gave some to family who we were seeing over Christmas. I made a selection of cards and they turned out rather well! I did use Christmas card templates, so they weren't entirely my own doing, but I would like to do my own this year!

The photo I used of the boys was an old one, because it was the nicest one of the two of them I had together. Christopher was probably about 8 months old here.

Christmas Eve was quite nice and relaxed. We let the boys play during the morning, while my mother-in-law was cooking a delicious Christmas dinner :) Robert enjoyed having his grandad read him a book on sea creatures. He loves the Octonauts which is a cbeebies cartoon about animals who live under the sea in a giant "octopod" helping out the sea creatures when they are in trouble, so he enjoys reading about different sea animals.

This lovely photo of the 3 generations, my two boys, their daddy, and his daddy! :)

Then came the lovely Christmas dinner. The boys loved it, and more surprisingly, they both loved the crackers, AND the party poppers!! I thought they'd be a little scared of the big bangs, but they were fine!

"What do I do with this Dad? This doesn't look like turkey!!"

Robert struggling to pull his cracker, so grandad did it ;)

After the very filling dinner, came presents time! Robert was SOO keen to get stuck in, I think he'd unwrapped most of his presents before Christopher had opened even one! They were such lucky boys over Christmas, and it was nice that they got their presents spread over 4 days. Here they are opening some of their presents from Grandma and Grandad.

We decided to head up to the village park after presents, and got some photos of the boys in their new matching jackets (these are the very first identical clothes the boys have, it's not a habit we are intending to continue, particularly, but it was cute seeing them both in the same clothes! And wow, Christopher just looks so tiny here! He is somewhere between the 9th and 25th centile for height and weight, whereas Robert is just above the 75th for weight and 91st for height! I tried to tell various people to get Robert age 4-5 (despite just having turned 3) and no-one did.... the age 3-4 DOES fit him with a bit of room, but age 4-5 would have been a bit better for growth! Where-as everyone bought Christopher age 12-18 month or 18-24 month... the jacket was 12-18 and still somewhat swamps him!! He has a bunch of 18-24 month stuff he got for his birthday which he might JUST be about to wear when he turns 2, unless he has a massive growth spurt between now and then! :) Anyway, photo! We had to get Christopher up in the middle of the room, make him clap (haha bless him) and then make Robert join in, to get this shot!

Just after this photo was taken, poor Christopher had a fall in the hallway, and cut his lip and a bit of his mouth too, where the gum joins the lip at the top, there was a cut which just kept on bleeding. I was surprised at how quickly he settled down, I did nurse him for a while afterwards because he seemed quite tired, and wondered if he would go to sleep but he didn't, so I quickly strapped him into my new(ish) meitai, and went to catch up with Jonathan, Robert and Betsy who had already started off.

Hugely cute photos of Christopher toddling around the park here, wearing a little beanie hat which was rather low down and almost covered his eyes hehe! You can see the little cut on his bottom lip here! (or it might have been dried blood I'm not sure!)

And then it was lifted up a bit and wasn't quite as cute! (But still pretty cute!)

After getting back, Robert (well, Jonathan, really) played with Robert's new meccano set, and Robert then played with the aeroplane Jonathan made ;) Christopher, who hadn't napped apart from in the car that morning on the way over, finally nursed to sleep, and we laid him out on the floor for his nap.

We had tea, then headed home after their bath. Once both boys were asleep we set about putting the presents under the tree. We are not "doing" the whole Father Christmas thing, that is, saying he brings the presents, and comes in the night while they are sleeping. We are not going to say he *doesn't* exist though, so if they choose to believe when they are older, they can, and we are going to try and do our utmost to make sure they treat other children's beliefs with respect. The challenge this year was building up excitement without "Father Christmas" and it was quite difficult. I am hoping that next year, Robert will remember more what Christmas is about (and yes, he does also have a Christmas book about the real meaning!) so will be excited by default! There are lots of Christmas traditions that it would be nice to include as years go on, and finding our own special lot of these is the amazing thing about being a family! Anyway, our tree, with presents all ready for the morning!

The big one at the back right was a dolls house for the boys!! When morning came, Robert came into our room, climbed up to nurse as usual, and then Jonathan said "yay! It's Christmas! Do you want gah-gee or do you want to go downstairs and open presents?!!" And for once, gah-gee wasn't the preferred option ;)

We only seem to have a picture of them playing with the dolls house, but they had sooo many presents, it's so hard finding room for them all!

We had just such a lovely lazy day with the boys, playing on the playstation (Robert loves the new Toy Story PS3 game!), playing with all their new toys with them, and Jonathan did a looooo-oooverly Christmas dinner (mark 2!). I am so thankful to have a husband who can, and is willing to, cook :) Although these days, there's not a lot into cooking a roast dinner, seeing as you can buy practically everything frozen and ready to just plonk into the oven at the right time ;) But the bits he did do from scratch were lovely! We were just all so stuffed, but it was lovely being together and just having a lovely lazy day!

I'm sure I'll update about the days spent with my family later once we have photos!

Developmental milestones and education

2012-01-13T20:16:00.002Z

There's been no solid decision yet, regarding the education topic yet, but Jonathan really isn't keen at ALL, so I think we will probably be school-schooling I guess. :S But I think Robert will have a good headstart when he goes, I've been doing some activities with Robert to do with letters, but mainly, if I'm writing words down, simply sounding out the letters, and saying in passing "Oh, can you see a Rrrr, Robert?" and getting him to point out a letter shape. Small things like that. And we say things like "what sound does cat begin with? c-c-cat" and today, he just came out with, almost out of nowhere, "Mummy, sheep begins with 'Sh'!" I was gobsmacked! He's doing so well, and seems to enjoy looking at his letters, and remembering what a certain sound looks like written down. He's getting more and more confident in tracing over letters too, his pencil control is getting really good, although he still needs help in holding his pen, as he holds it often with the tip pointing up instead of down, so he's folding his hand over a LOT to try and get the nib on the paper.

Toilet training is going ok... he now tells us whenever he needs a poo, and will take himself off to the toilet (he sits on his toilet seat now to go, very very rarely on the potty anymore - and sometimes even insists on standing up like he sees Daddy doing - arghh!). He's pretty much poo- toilet trained, because last week he accidentally did a poo in his nappy, and he was very distressed about it. I've been taking a more casual approach to potty training now that he will do poos in the toilet, and that is to simply leave him unless he says he needs to go. I will occasionally prompt, but if he says no, I leave it. I know it's not necessarily a true indicator of whether he needs to go to the toilet or not, as once when he was in pants and trousers, I asked him if he needed to go, and he said no, then 2 minutes later he wet himself. But as he is in a nappy still 90% of the time, I'm not too fussed as the wee gets caught. I know one time will come a time when he will not want to wee in the nappy, or else when it gets to summer we'll just go no nappies at all and spend lots of time in the garden so it won't matter either way. I am quite relieved that things are progressing, albeit slowly!

Christopher is still not saying much at all. Although I believe he has now said "nah" meaning "no" (!!) and "yah" meaning "yes", as well as "dah" meaning "down". Late December, when we were at my dad's house, Christopher started climbing the stairs, and I said to him "Christopher, come back down!" He looked at me through the banister, and said "Nah!" and before hand any babbling he would do tended to be "dada", so this very strong "nah" could really have only meant one thing!! Cheeky monkey!!

He's beginning to show his interests and his personality more and more now, he loves animals, and building blocks of any kind. He LOVES music, and is always swaying or bopping along to music when it comes on, and likes to play instruments! He's beginning to show lovely caring attitudes, loving kissing people and his toys, and also showing a real helpful side, in that if he sees Robert doing something, putting things away mainly, Christopher will help. He quickly identifies what specifically is being put where, and will easily find just the duplo bricks to put in the duplo box, or just the toy dinosaurs to put in the pot. He came to help empty the washing machine when he toddled into the kitchen to find Robert had started to do this for me (I asked Robert, who occasionally obliges such requests! And other times says "it's ok mummy, you help yourself" haha!). The other day, I was making the boys' dinner, when I suddenly heard a CRASH, turned around to see Christopher at the kitchen gate, a broken glass in front of the gate on the kitchen floor, a mug in his other hand, and a rather shocked expression on his face! He'd evidently found the mug and the glass in the other room, and picked them both up to bring them in to me! Luckily, the glass being on the kitchen floor with a gate in between it and him, meant I could quickly nip the mug out of his other hand to stop it meeting the same fate as the glass, and start sweeping up the glass. Bless him, he was only trying to be helpful!

He is also still quite clingy, and has a bit of a temper on him, if I don't pick him up in one of his clingy moments. Or if I was holding him but had to put him down for any reason, he SCREAMS blue murder! He has also worked out how to turn on the TV!! I'm not sure actually that even ROBERT knows how to turn on the TV! And aside from me and Jonathan, his favourite person seems to be Jonathan's dad! It's actually quite sweet to see him cuddle Steve's legs and lift his arms to him the way he often does with me!

Anyway, that's about it that I can think of off the top of my head for recent news and stuff the boys are doing! Here's a couple of pics of the boys just before Christmas time :)

CD1

2012-01-08T18:28:00.002Z

Well it didn't happen this month afterall but at least I came on exactly when I was expecting... AND Jonathan seems keen to have another baby (although I suspect its the "trying" he's looking forward to more lol.) Hmmm.. maybe an October baby this time? :)

CD28

2012-01-07T12:30:00.003Z

More blood tinged CM today at CD28. CD27 had cramps. Woke up this morning very tired - but Christopher was up at 2 crying and took a few attempts to resettle him (trying to get night weaning sorted), and just when I thought I'd have to give up and give him the boob (trying to wait til 5am til he has more milk) he settled down. I really don't know if the tiredness (it felt rather extreme this morning) is just Christopher waking, or the other thing.

Jonathan seems to have come around on the whole "more than 2 kids" thing. But we are currently in discussions about schooling (or lack thereof - not saying there won't be education!!). I am leaning towards unschooling right now, what brought this about I'm not sure but part of me really really wants to do it! But the thing is I am having to talk a LOT about it with Jonathan, who has serious misgivings about various aspects of it. Some of which I don't have the answers to, so am having to research. He is really quite upset about the whole thing, and completely and utterly wants the kids to go to school. And part of me wants them to as well. But then I think what do I do once the kids are all grown up and in fulltime education? It would make sense to have at least a part time job, but what? Where? Part of me thinks it would be good though to do this. I am so conflicted, but luckily nothing needs to be decided for some time. Nursery places aren't allocated until March/April, and of course education doesn't become compulsory until 5.

This parenting business has so much to think about. It's amazing what people think though when you tell them you are considering not sending your kids to school. How anything that's not mainstream is gasped at, and you are treated like you are doing something awful to your kids. I told someone who seemed appauled at this that I was pleased she cared about my kids enough to show such concern, and that I would think about all she said when I discussed with J what was best for our children. Her response was "Robert is an amazing little boy and I want the best for him". But the thing is, your idea of the best isn't always the same as the parents', and it's our job to decide what is best, whatever that may be. Parenting is so emotive... I could probably come up with a dozen parenting topics off the cuff that causes debate.

Anyway... I am due on tomorrow at the earliest, although seeing as I've only had one full cycle so far, I could come on much later. Given the red CM I would guess it could be AF on her way. We shall see I guess! Haven't bothered testing today, I will test maybe on Monday or Tuesday if there's no sign of AF. Or perhaps leave it til Friday that way I can be sure that I am at least due for AF soon if not overdue. It's a long old wait.. even without properly TTC!

Update on tests

2012-01-06T19:37:00.004Z

Well done more, and all have been very very negative. No more lines after a wait, or any immediate positives. I was really happy to see so many comments on my entry though! To answer Jemma, I sort of did to begin with, I felt quite tired (although it's hard to differentiate early pregnancy tiredness from toddler still waking in the night several times tiredness!), and I was weeing LOADS. Now though, not so much. I feel mildly crampy so I feel that I'm about to come on soon. I'm not going to think about it much anymore for a few days, and see what next week brings!

Erm..

2012-01-04T22:55:00.001Z

I might have some news to share soon... stay tuned, I'll be back in a few days tops...

Taken some tests. The top one was taken yesterday morning (Weds 4th Jan) and it appeared negative at first, left it aside for a few hours as I'd forgotten about it (meant to look again in another 5-10 minutes) and that's what I saw. Can you see the second line too? I'm not sure if what I'm seeing is a proper line, or if it's an evap line because of the colour bleed. The test below looks fairly negative, and was taken this morning.

I think I am just going to have to wait til the 8th Jan which is the earliest I'm due on again. Thinking about doing a CBD but thinking there won't be a lot of point.

happy new year!

2012-01-01T18:27:00.003Z

Happy new year everyone! Did everyone see in the new year well? I was asleep practically heh.

I was debating whether or not to write about this because I thought how fun would it be to be completely unexpected... but I do wonder if I am roughly regular yet... had a 29 day cycle last time... I am currently on cycle day 22. While not technically trying we have, to borrow a term from someone, had parsnips on cycle days 10, 11, 18 and 19. If I am due another 29 day cycle I am roughly 7 days dpo, and have had a red tinged cervical fluid today when I wiped.

People knowledgeable on such matters, when do you think I may have ovulated (had lots of twinges already in the last week, increased CM, right sided pains, in the last week) and what could the red tinged CM be?

Thoughts about genders

2011-12-30T21:39:00.002Z

Well, yesterday my sister-in-law gave birth to a little girl, who she and my brother named Amelia. It's been a day now and I'm feeling a lot more excited and happy about it than I was when I first heard the news. She is the one who had a boy a year before Robert was born, who told me she didn't want kids at all to stop disappointment of people knowing it was taking them a while to conceive etc. I must admit, my first reaction was that of a sinking resentfulness. A stupid one of course, like the first one I felt when she was pregnant with my nephew! That once again they have "beat me" to something new for my parents. They had the first grandchild (and grandson incidentally), and now they have had the first granddaughter, despite me having two children between. Plus the fact that before Robert was "Robert" - while he was Sausage, I wanted a girl. And secretly I think I wanted Christopher to be a girl too.

It's been going round and round my head, wondering if the news that they had had a girl was disappointing to me for that reason also... because I do hope that someday I will have a daughter! And of course, I may not ever have a daughter. It did also get me thinking, also due to reading comments on my brother's photos of Amelia, or status updates, people's opinions, that having "one of each" is the "perfect" family. I hear it everywhere. See it everywhere. I've never heard, or at least not to my recollection, somebody saying "awww another boy, how perfect!" (or girl, of course) when it's a second child. (as opposed to third, where they already have "one of each"). And you see the dolls families with 2 parents, and 2 kids, the kids are always a boy and a girl. And Robert's checkout game, a boy and a girl. Charlie and Lola on TV.

I do love my BOYS so so much, and do NOT love Christopher any less because he's not a girl! (Or Robert for that matter). But I do find myself trying to conjure up homely images of the future of me with all sons and no daughters. To convince myself that it won't be all that bad. (!!) Strapping lads with their arms around me as they reach their adulthood. Boys running in the garden playing football or play wrestling. That sort of thing!

Another thing that I think of, is that if we do end up with another baby, I find myself wondering what the gender will be. I of course have no way of knowing!! But I find myself thinking all the same "I wonder if I will get a girl" or things like that. I think if we do have another baby we will find out the sex (Jonathan wanted to with Christopher it was me that stopped us! So I think Jonathan would have no problem if we have another baby), so that if it's a boy it will give me time to adjust. I do think back to the dream I had in pregnancy with Robert, that I gave birth to triplets, the first one being Robert, the second one also a boy, and the third one we thought was a boy at first but then it turned out to be a girl. It does make me wonder, if it's a kind of future telling dream, that I will have 3 kids, and well first two boys.. and if I have a third, if it will show on ultrasound (or if it's just an overwhelming thought) that it's a third boy, whether we will be surprised later by the emergence (or view on ultrasound) of a girl.

I guess it's a "time will tell" ending to this post really... All this assuming I do actually have a third child.

Reading back...

2011-12-20T23:10:00.002Z

To when I was TTC/early pregnant with Christopher, when Robert was a little younger than Christopher is now, makes me boggle in amazement, at various things. One being how difficult it is to realise all the little things that Christopher is doing. How I have less time to update on Christopher's cute little things he does and how, when I read about Robert at that age, it makes me think "goodness, Christopher does that too and I've not really updated about it!" It sounds silly, but it seems like these little things, the way he toddles back and forth between my leg and the opposite sofa, planting kisses on each in turn about three times over, with the biggest grin on his face, will just disappear into thin air as Christopher the toddler turns into Christopher the pre-schooler. I read these things about Robert, and feel a twinge of sadness how soon Christopher will outgrow them, and become a little boy, talking, making me laugh with what he says rather than just what he does, how he will just grow and grow until he is a little boy rather than a baby, and I will never realise where he went, because like Robert, it will happen so gradually that I won't notice until it's long gone. It's lovely to see them grow up and change and develop, but so sad that once those days are gone, they are gone.

I can't believe that Robert was ever this young, and little, but he was! This is when he was around the same age as Christopher is now. I can completely see how he has grown up from this baby to the boy he is today, but funny how it doesn't work the other way around! I can't imagine the little boy Christopher will grow up to be!

And Christopher...

Christmas countdown and other goings-on

2011-12-13T16:53:00.007Z

Well there are now 12 days to go til Christmas, and as usual, we are still finishing off buying Christmas presents. We don't have things for our parents, and we are trying desperately to think of things. I think it may have to be a medley of grandchild-made gifts for them this year, which means a busy week for me, and I should really make a list of what to make and when it needs to be done!

Just realised my last post was on the 28th of November, and that the next day I, as many of you will know from Facebook, passed my driving test first time! On Sunday I did my first un-chaperoned drive, which I felt strangely comfortable about! And now I can't wait to get a second car for us to keep here! I have a feeling that home improvements will go a lot faster once I have a car... Which I also predict will mean a rather sharp increase on our monthly outgoings. What Jonathan and I found rather amusing was that adding me to his insurance for the Yaris actually SAVED him £33! (which must mean they regard me as the safest driver haha)

I am also busy trying to convince him that he wants a third child, something that I don't seem to be doing too well at lately. :( yesterday I suggested that if we had another baby, and it was another boy, we could call him Daniel, as that's the name he's been itching for since day 1! He seemed to have mixed feelings about that heh. But having said that I am for now, happy to not be pregnant. Just as well, I am currently in the middle of my second post-natal period.

On boy news, they are both progressing beautifully. :) Robert is in the early stages of potty training... And has been forever it feels like. I get him to sit on the potty regularly, and he's been on the toilet a few times too. But he has NO idea when he needs to do either. The regular potty time is catching all his poos, but not his wees so we have quite a lot of accidents when he is in pants. I guess for now I just carry on getting him sitting on the potty several times a day and hoping that eventually he'll tell me when he needs a wee or a poo. It just seems never ending lately.

Christopher is not saying anything other than "geh" for again, which was the same as Robert! Sometimes he will wave and babble in a way that it sounds like he's trying to say "bye bye daddy" but with varying sounds making up the babbling. He's becoming quite reliant on me being around, and gets very clingy sometimes. And when he is upset, he wants ME. Not necessarily for gah-gee, cuddles will do, but only from me, no-one else. Something that got Jonathan quite upset at the weekend. He was a little happier when Christopher obliged him with a kiss (something that can be touch and go!) and when, this morning, Christopher got upset about Jonathan going downstairs and didn't seem to want to come to me.

Another thing Christopher is enjoying is playing with Robert's duplo, so I'm guessing we will be going on a duplo hunt this weekend! I'm really looking forward to giving the boys their main joint Christmas present... a dolls house! While the vast majority of the boys' toys are gender neutral or boy ones, they do each have a doll and they will love their dolls house I'm sure! And was such a bargain too!

A while ago I got the boys some painting to do, they love painting, but ohhh boy it is messy and it seems to take longer to set it up and clear it (and the boys) up afterwards than the time they are interested in it!! But they did enjoy it and we later used the finished paintings to make paper chains with.

At one point, Robert enjoyed simply making patterns in the paint with his finger, so I let him continue doing this all over the tray, and then put a piece of paper down on top of the pattern and rubbed the pattern onto the paper!

You can see the two patterned ones here, the red one next to the black bag, and the cream and gold one near the washing machine. All the others were made using brushes, hands, rollers etc. :)

Oh and hot news in from the press - Robert seems to be aware of his bowel movements yippee! This morning, I hadn't changed his nappy or got him to sit on the potty, and he said "Oh mummy, I need a poopoo" and started tugging down his pjs and nappy. Went and sat on the toilet (on his new toilet seat) and did a bit of wee, and then said "would you JUST GO Mummy?!!" so I went, and listened like crazy for rustlings of toilet paper, went back in at the appropriate time, and sure enough he'd done a poo! Sooo so pleased!!! Was so proud of him for telling me instead of just going in his nappy! And I feel a bit more confident that sooner or later he will realise that he needs a wee and tell me about that too!

Anyway, will leave off here for now with a photo (pre-haircut!!) of my two little men
Excuse mucky clothes lol. I gave him tomatoes or something equally mucky for lunch it seems that day and I rarely bother with bibs anymore!

Nervous

2011-11-28T11:35:00.002Z

Tomorrow morning is my practical driving test. It's at 8.10am, so my instructor Colin is picking me up at 7am for a pre-test driving lesson. Hopefully any nerves I still have will dissipate during the lesson so I am calm and collected for the test. Tonight I will be getting an early night (and by early I mean no later than 9pm - preferably earlier!!) to make sure I am well rested and able to get up and dressed with no problems at 6am. My two little men might find it odd, as they usually climb into bed with us and have some mummy milk, luckily, Christopher usually wakes before 6am for some milk so hopefully he won't find it too bad.

Jonathan will be taking the two of them over to his parents house, then after the test I will either be going back here or see if my instructor will let me drive to Northampton. My documents are all ready, and now I am hoping that I will pass, as long as I don't make any stupid mistakes I should be ok. Cool calm logical head will hopefully be put on by morning!!!

5 days left

2011-11-18T09:33:00.002Z

In just 5 days, I will no longer have a 2 year old, but will have a 3 year old instead. It makes me feel very emotional, because I just can't believe that almost 3 years ago, I had the most eventful day (and following week) of my life. Just two months ago, we celebrated Christopher's 1st birthday. It was a wonderful day, and unlike Robert's 1st (and 2nd) birthday, I did not get emotional at all. I guess because with Christopher, the birth experience was a joyful experience to me, and it all went wonderfully. I find myself getting that burning welling-up sensation in my throat and eyes just thinking about Robert's birthday. I guess his birthdays mean so much more to me because we almost lost him, because when he was born, we thought we HAD already lost him. The memory of what happened one, two, and now three years previously is still etched in my mind, and while it is becoming more distant, it will always be a reality for me.

After the ride in the ambulance, legs and feet sticky with blood from the birth, in a nightie and dressing gown over the top, sliding around on an uncomfortable seat, where I found it hard to really come to terms with what had happened, nor the baby in the carry case beside me with the paramedic, I spent the journey stealing little glances at him, while trying not to fall off the seat, my mind numb. I distinctly remember the midwife who came into the ambulance with us telling me that it was "ok" for me to cry. Did she really think I was holding back tears to appear brave? When we finally got to hospital, I was put into a wheelchair, and Robert was whisked off to SCBU. I was taken into a room, my legs cleaned a bit, and then assessed for pereneal damage, and consequently stitched up. While I was there (not while I was actually being stitched up though, thankfully) the doctors came and gave an overview on what was happening with Robert, I remember laying there in emotional numbness, being told that my son might end up with brain damage, that they would need to monitor him and that he would need furthur tests. My mum came in during the stitches, which she found rather disconcerting, seeing some woman's head between my legs haha! But I was glad at the distraction she provided. She told me that Jonathan's parents had arrived, and had gone to see Robert and Jonathan. I asked her to phone my dad and let him know.

After it was all done, I was allowed to bath, and it was lovely slipping into the hot water, and strangely therapeutic to see the bath water turning red as my body became clean. Thankfully, after a while, Jonathan poked his head in, and I asked him to help me out. I felt so weak I had to get him to help dry me, and then as my nightie I wore to the hospital was covered in blood, I put on a rather fetching hospital gown, luckily I was going back into the wheelchair. Jonathan wheeled me to the SCBU, to see Robert properly for the first time.

I was greeted with a baby in an incubator, strapped up in wires to his hands, feet, and one on his chest, monitoring blood flow, oxygen levels, breathing, and temperature, and administering fluids and antibiotics. I was told that this was my baby, but he didn't feel like mine.

I can't remember whether it was before or after I went in to see him that I saw Jonathan's parents in the little waiting room outside the SCBU. I was there in the wheelchair, and chatted lightheartedly with them. It was so surreal. I guess it was after, because surely Jonathan would have taken me in straight away.

That night Jonathan spent the night in my room with me. I was glad, we spent the night crying with each other. The emotions finally caught up with me, having seen the baby they said was mine, that he was alive, and in no immediate danger to his life, although the severity of his brain damage was yet to be seen. We cried for all that had happened that day, for all that might happen in the future. We were given a private room, thank goodness. I heard babies crying from the wards during the following days, which cut me, but not too deeply, as I knew even though he wasn't next to me, he was ok.

The next day, I put the baby to my breast. I wanted to breastfeed, I told the nurses in SCBU that. But it didn't feel as I thought it would.

Still, every four hours I would go down and put the baby to my breast. Sometimes he would take it, sometimes he wouldn't. When the doctors told me they wanted to give him formula until my milk came in, I told them it was ok, as long as it wasn't given by bottle. So they taught us how to feed him by cup.

After a few days (or what felt like it), the doctors and nurses told us it was exhausting him to cup feed, so they inserted a tube down his nose to feed him the formula. They showed us how to do this too, by pulling out some stomach fluid with the syringe, to test the acidity (to check that it was in his stomach and hadn't come out), before pushing the formula through the tube down into his stomach. Before each formula "feed", he would have a nappy change, which was interesting when he was in the incubator and you had to try and do it with your hands through the arm holes, then I would put him to the breast, and then he would have the formula. Eventually he latched correctly, and at 4 days post-partum, when my milk came in, they took out the tube and told me he could have just my milk from then on. During the first few days I did only go down when I had to, every 4 hours, for the feeds. I knew I could go down more often, but I didn't want to. Something that thinking back made me feel very guilty, but given my emotional state I guess it wasn't unsurprising.

On the Thursday I believe it was, Robert and I went by ambulance with the neonatal nurse Angela to Northampton General, to have an EEG taken of Robert's brain activity. It all came back normal, and while it was done he was good as gold, and nursed to keep him calm and happy. When we got back to Kettering, Angela showed me how to bathe him, as he needed one - well a hair wash really, as the EEG had made his hair sticky. That afternoon he came up with me back into my room. His feeding tube was out by then of course, and there he was in the cot, in my room, all feeds and all nappy changes and all comforting was MINE.

That was when he started to feel like MINE I think, while he was in SCBU it felt like I was borrowing him, sitting with someone else's baby. When he came upstairs with me, part of me couldn't believe it, I kept staring at him, thinking "wow, he's mine, he's really mine!" but still didn't feel right picking up up to cuddle him.

Finally, at 6 days old, Robert was signed off and we got him ready to take home. It felt strange, like we were being given keys to someone else's house. I knew it was OK that we take Robert, he was ours, we had permission, but it didn't feel quite "right" if you know what I mean?

Robert was asleep the entire time we got him dressed to go, and all the way home and stayed asleep until early hours the next morning.

Reliving it all makes it seem crazy to me that this was three years ago. That that baby is now a boy, a completely normal 3 year old boy in every respect. We are so lucky that despite everything, he had no brain damage whatsoever (well, there is always the possibility of some learning difficulties in the future, but nothing outside the normal parametres that any child could have).

From this...

To this...

Wow. Tell me again, where has the time gone?

She has arrived...

2011-11-11T22:46:00.001Z

Aunt Flo that is! Just spotting for the moment, but pad is on tonight. Goodness this feels strange, it's been almost 2 years since my last period!

Another little update!

2011-11-10T12:05:00.003Z

After the spotting on Saturday, I had nothing. Nada. Becca said that she found that when using the end of the roll that can sometimes give a pink tinge with the adhesive to stick it to the roll, and realised that yes I may well have been using the end of the roll! So I thought that it was probably all in my imagination then.... especially since the cramping went away mostly (and what was left was probably down to my mild tummy bug). UNTIL TODAY!

I just went to the toilet, and there was DEFINITE red spotting on it! From the middle of the toilet roll! ;) I'm still thinking it's unlikely that I have a new little bean growing, but things are DEFINITELY on the move now! I'll take a test tomorrow (just to be sure) but then wait and see when AF turns up!

Other non-fertility/cycle news at the moment... Christopher is quite poorly with a bad cold and accompanying fever. He really does feel quite rotten with it... Robert has the same cough Christopher started out with, and a sore throat, so wondering if he'll get the fever too :( We've started a no TV thing but with two poorly boys, I figure a bit of mindless TV watching isn't such a bad thing!

Hope you're all well! Tell me one exciting bit of news you've had in the last few days in the comments!

Update.. Or lack of!

2011-11-06T19:40:00.002Z

Well since yesterday morning I have had zero spotting or anything really! Which has made me wonder if I imagined it, or you know where the tissue is wet and the colour of your fingers show through...

I realised I accidentally lied, I will be upset, or at least peeved slightly, in one senario, and that's if I get neither my period or a positive pregnancy test. I keep wondering if I will get an answer for the niggly feelings, because I have also (along with the boys) had a bit of a tummy bug. And wonder if it's that. I am thinking that I will try and put it to the back of my mind until Friday, then test if I haven't had my period show up.

Well....

2011-11-05T19:53:00.002Z

This morning I had a few spots of pink on the tissue when I wiped... and I have had some niggly feelings down there for a few days as well. I can't help but think it is one of two things.. either my period is about to show up, or a birthday treat I gave Jonathan has born fruit.. it was over a week ago we did the deed so it could be implantation. I guess we will wait and see what happens, if I am not pregnant I really expect my period to show up soon. I feel mildly crampy, so it's not really bothering me.

I am pleased that right now I will be happy whatever happens. I do wonder what Jonathan will say if I am pregnant. He has not been using anything, so he should be aware of the possibility!

That is all really, I will keep this updated!

Numbered post.

2011-10-31T22:37:00.003Z

Here's a numbered post... just because.

1. I wake up every morning tired. I can't sleep longer because of the kids! Yet I don't go to bed til my eyes are literally closing themselves despite figurative matchsticks being propped up. Why?!! I guess it's because the evenings are the only time we get to ourselves, so we eak it out!

2. Driving lessons are going well. Not had any for about a fortnight though, for various reasons. But Jonathan put me on the insurance for his car, and I drove him and the kids (!!) to his parents yesterday. It went quite well I think! My driving test is in under a month's time, so I am hoping that the lessons I squeeze in, plus practice with Jonathan, helps me and lets me pass first time.

3. My weight loss went on a back-burner for a while, and I went back up almost half a stone - oops! I'm back on it now, and have just over a stone to lose til my target of 10 stone, and hopefully I will get there by Christmas. My first weigh in is tomorrow, and I'm not optomistic - I over-ate at the weekend as it was Jonathan's birthday! I have gone from a small size 20 (US size 16) to size 12 (US size 8) in a year which I am thrilled at, but would like to lose a bit more weight, and tone up some. Running has become more of a chore than I wanted it to be - I'm going to try and get fit using the Wii, and see how I do with that.

4. Both the boys are growing so fast. Sometimes it seems that I blink, and they've aged a few months! I adore looking back to their early photos, and thinking "wow, I can't believe they were so tiny!" but still recognising them from their features at only a few months old. It's amazing how a child's "look" stays with them from only a few months old, on and up through the years.

5. I'm sooo incredibly broody right now! By the time Robert was Christopher's age, I was within a week or so of conceiving Christopher. I do wonder if there is the possibility of me being pregnant, my libido is increasing, and we are not "preventing" pregnancy... but I am still waiting on aunt flo to make an appearance. I know it is possible to get pregnant before she even shows up, but it's not very likely! And especially since I think I conceived with Christopher at the first possible moment, and I'd had a couple of previous full cycles before falling pregnant, I think it's unlikely that I would ovulate before getting the first post-natal menstruation. Given that we have recently night-weaned Christopher, with him going from bedtime (between 7.30 and 8pm) til 5-6am without waking for milk, this is a considerable leap so would not be surprised if that will trigger aunt flo into returning soon, and thus the return of fertility. I do *want* to wait til Christopher is 18 months old, but I would be so completely 100% over the moon if an "accident" were to happen, that I am happy for things to take their own course, whenever that would be, be it NOW, or a few months from now, or a year from now.

6. My eyes are drooping, so I guess I had better get off to bed!

The power of love

2011-10-25T21:41:00.002+01:00

Sometimes, I simply cannot believe how much love my heart can hold. For Christopher particularly at this time, I am just SO. IN. LOVE. with that baby boy! I think everyone wonders if they'd be able to love their second child as much as their first, since their first child was around first, and has been around longer, how could we possibly love another child as much? Part of me wonders if, following on from an earlier post, I actually love Christopher more than I did Robert. In some respects, it's easy to imagine that is true, as I had PTSD following Robert's birth, and just pure babymooning bliss with Christopher! But then at the same time I think maybe it just seems like I love Christopher at this age more than I loved Robert at the same age because Christopher is here NOW, and Robert was 13 months old almost 2 years ago, so the memory is dimmer.

But either way... boy, I just am IN LOVE with Christopher, I really am. I just ADORE that he is at the age where he is happiest in my arms, that he is learning all about giving kisses, and beginning the basic communication that lets me know what he wants. Oh I could write an essay about all the little things Christopher does right now! All the things I love about him, all the things I notice from time to time and as a matter of course! But where to start!

Communication wise, he says "dada" a lot, so much so I don't think it holds a LOT of meaning... But he definitely seems to say "mama" when he's aggitated and wants me, and hardly ever otherwise! He has made up his own sign for "I want that"!! He holds his hand up towards what he wants and makes a grabbing/beckoning motion with his fist!

He LOVES songs, and singing! His favourite song is by far Twinkle twinkle little star, and he opens and closes his hand in the air to signal that he wants us to sing it! And when we do he grins so much, and starts "singing" along with us, which consists of "dadadadadada!" in a sweet singsong voice! I would sing all day to him if I could, but Robert quite often starts shouting "HE'S BETTER! HE'S OK! STOP SINGING MUMMY!!!" as we ask him sometimes to sing to Christopher to cheer him up haha.

What else? Well he's just moved into size 9-12 month clothing (at 13 months!!), so he's quite diddy still! But that just endears him to me all the more! I could just hold him all day and kiss his soft cheeks! And tickle him to hear his sweet chuckle! And ohhhh his dimples!!! He has the cutest little dimples ever!!

Oooh what else... He is walking so well now!! He hardly ever crawls anywhere now, and is so confident in just standing himself up and toddling off. He gets sturdier and steadier all the time, and is SO FAST now too! I swear he was RUNNING away from Robert earlier today! He climbs too... ohhhh he climbs! The stairs are oh so easy for him now, we have to keep the stairgate closed or he'll be up them in no time! Like this evening, I was in the kitchen checking something, and came back in the living room, saw Robert, could NOT see Christopher... started to panic until I saw the stair gate open, and went upstairs, sure enough, there he was, at the top, grinning down at me! But now also he does not think anything of climbing onto the toy box to climb onto the sofa... or onto Robert's chair to climb onto the table! I stop him from climbing on Robert's chair and table!! He's getting so adept at getting down off things now too!

Sleepwise, we have started to nightwean him. Robert was nightweaned at 8-9 months old, and just over a week ago we decided to do the same finally with Christopher. When he woke up not even 3 hours after he'd gone to bed, we just cuddled him, attempted to put him down in his cot and pat him to sleep. When he started writhing about, trying to sit up, we would go and lay back in bed, leaving him in the cot. We left the light on so he could still see us, so he knew we were there, and left him for 5 minutes. Then we got up and repeated the process, the next time left him for 6 minutes. And so on. I think we got to 9 minutes, before Jonathan finally managed to settle him to silence in his cot. He got back into bed, which creaked horribly, and started Christopher off again, so I leapt out of bed to pat him back to sleep, which he did, and I crept into my slightly less creaky side of the bed. Turned off the light, which disturbed him and he moaned for about a minute, but then went to sleep, and didn't wake til 6! Granted he was awake screaming from 10.40pm til 12.10am, but 6 hours was fabulous! The next night we were expecting to have to do the same again, but he slept all the way from 7.45 until 6am!! And the next night he woke at 5am, which I think is the earliest I wanted to give him milk, and he went to sleep again. Next morning was 4am-ish, but Jonathan cuddled and patted him to sleep again. But sooo much better than 11ish, then 2ish, then 4ish, then 6ish... :) It won't be long before we can put him in Robert's room! But how I think I'll miss him! And worry about him probably too!

I just love him sooo much! And every day I love him a little bit more! I simply can't imagine not being able to love subsequent babies with all my heart! The thought that I wouldn't love them as much as the ones I already have is sooo alien to me! And I just can't wait to have more squishy babies who I will love to pieces! I just adore holding my littlest man and having precious cuddles... I know before long they will be few and far between...

Christopher's 1st Birthday!

2011-10-17T20:43:00.003+01:00

Well this is laaaaate! (3 weeks or so late!) But firstly I want to thank everyone who commented on my previous post, it means SO much that each of you took the time to respond, here or elsewhere, and made me feel a little more normal, a little less horrid-mum-ish, and for helping me think of solutions and ways to control my temper. Since the last post I have been much more restrained!!

Anyway! Christopher's 1st birthday party. We decided to have a party at Jonathan's parents house again like we did for Robert's 1st birthday (aren't they great?!! They cleaned and everything!!) And this time set out a buffet requiring much less preparation. No sandwiches, or cocktail stick foods, more DIY stuff like plates of ham, plates of cheese, bowl of salad, platter of bread, etc.

I digress! We got up early (as is the norm in this household!), and after the birthday boy and his brother had some milk (Can't believe I've been tandem feeding for over ONE YEAR now!!), we went downstairs, and got Christopher's presents out! The presents from us were a modest amount, Robert chose a happy days (I think that's what it's called??!) school toy to give Christopher, and we got him a walk-along lion clacker toy, a wooden clown ring stacker (a firm favourite already!!!) and a lovely little soft doll which has since been called Lewis.

The birthday boy enjoyed opening them, although he got a lot of help from his big brother and did surprisingly seem keener on the toys than the paper - I was expecting him to be focused on the paper!!

Robert was very keen to help open the presents, and also to help play with them! We did have to impose a rule that Christopher got to play with a toy first and then Robert could play with them afterwards. I did feel quite bad for him as the day wore on!

I had made Christopher's cake the day before. Unfortunately, the travel over and the many MANY times I had to roll out the icing before it would stop sticking to the work surface, or looking too white from the excess icing sugar, helped make a long crack in the icing, and the icing did seem to settle somewhat, and pool down by the bottom of the cake by the time it was ready to serve!

But I was impressed for my first attempt at a shaped birthday cake!! And it was delicious - I made a special effort to find a vegan cake recipe for family members, and having had it, it is now my FAVOURITE sponge recipe!! I've made it several times since, and it is especially delicious made into cupcakes with buttercream frosting on. Yum! The cake went down very well with the family and friends who made it over :)

Christopher got such a lot of presents, he was a very lucky boy! And Robert has enjoyed playing with them too, although now they are getting a bit bored with them, so might have to put the majority of them away and swap them out for some of Robert's cars again haha!

He got a peg puzzle, clothes, art things (which Robert has used, Christopher hasn't yet.. I'm not brave enough!!), a ride on toy, a wooden noah's ark (another favourite!!), books, a few nice chunky car/truck toys, a dog puppet, and other bits and pieces, as well as what we got him.

By the end of the day, we were exhausted! Then we had to help tidy up the house, pack up the leftover food (we ate leftover party food for about 3 days afterwards!!!), get the kids bathed and dressed for bed, and then leave as it was already past the boys' bedtime! He had such a good day though, with plenty of kids to play with, and plenty of adults too! But at the same time, it's made me realise why we didn't do a 2nd birthday party for Robert, and why he won't be getting an official 3rd birthday party as well! Sooo stressful but it was lovely to see everyone!

Birth trauma and continued bonding.

2011-10-11T10:04:00.003+01:00

Robert's 3rd birthday is fast approaching (and I still haven't written about Christopher's 1st birthday yet!). I can't help but wonder sometimes if the trauma of Robert's birth has affected our relationship more profoundly than I could ever have imagined. The numbness I felt towards him in the first few hours and days of his existence out of the womb, followed by the frustrations of early motherhood and dealing with what I believe now to be Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

While I began feeling better before his first birthday, I still see the remnants of my fear and frustrations in my day to day interactions with him. I feel so guilty even thinking about it, let alone admitting it publicly, but I have got to the stage where I can't deal with these thoughts in my head alone. I need to write them down, to see my thoughts in black and white and hopefully make some sense of them. I don't know if it is because he is of the age where he knows what he wants, but lacks the language and social interaction skills to make these wants known in appropriate ways, and that I am just not very effective yet at mothering this part of childhood, or whether I am still struggling to bond with Robert appropriately. I smack Robert occasionally.. And not particularly gently. It isn't a disciplinary smack so much as a losing control smack. I so so so do not want to be a smacking parent! It fills me with sadness when I see Robert run away in fear when I stand up to go to him when he has done something I do not like, even if I am not advancing in anger. He has borne the brunt of my frustrations all his life. From when he was a baby and I was suffering psychologically from his birth and I would throw him onto the bed in frustration... How can I expect him not to hit people or push them when I do it to him?

I haven't lifted a finger to Christopher though, not once. I do try and reprimand him for things he shouldn't do, yet all the same I do not treat the boys equally, and Robert is beginning to see that I think. I try, really try not to lose my temper with Robert, and I really don't want to make excuses for my behaviour. I want to try and see what I can do, is there anything I can do to break this association of parenting Robert with violence, and become the gentle loving parent I am half to most of the time- all of the time? Because half or most of the time will not cut it, if I parent with violence even some of the time, that is what he will remember, that is what he will take into adulthood and give to his children, my grandchildren.

What is the first step? How do I begin to change something when I do not even know why I do it?

Friendships

2011-10-03T22:33:00.003+01:00

My neighbour and I have made up again. I was so so angry at what she said that I was determined not to budge, I think in a way I had convinced myself that she hated me, (indeed, it did SEEM to me that she hated me) so that I also hated her, didn't need her friendship. The truth is, that while some of our parenting methods are sooo different, our souls seem to be connected. We just "get" each other, and she's the only friend I've ever really had like it.

She texted me on Christopher's birthday, and before long we were texting just like we used to, which unnerved me a bit, so we met up at the park and had a good long chat. I came home after and cried and cried on and off most of the afternoon for being so stupid and stubborn the last 7 months, for missing out on our friendship all that time, for all the mean thoughts I directed her way. The things I thought in order to make myself feel better for not having her in my life. All the ANGER I directed at her almost every day in my thoughts just so I could survive another day without her friendship. I went to the playgroups, smiled, tried being friendly in the hopes of making other friends. A replacement Sarah, but none got even close. When we met up and she told me how much she missed me, and I mentioned how I saw her walking up the road with people, chatting and smiling away, she said "yeah, but they're not you."

That was the moment I forgave her, felt part of her pain, and realised how much we both need our friendship, and that that's the reason making up was so important, and how we were just meant to be friends. That evening, I read on someone's status about "fake friends and real friends" Fake Friends - never ask for food. -Real Friends - Are the reasons you have no food. - Fake Friends - Never seen you cry. - Real Friends - Cry with you. - Fake Friends - Know a few things about you. - Real Friends - Could write a book about you. - Fake Friends - Would knock on your front door. - Real Friends - Walk right in and shout "I'M HOME!" - Fake Friends - Will help you up when you fall over. - Real Friends - Will jump on top of you and shout "SANDWICH!" - Fake Friends - Are for a while. - Real Friends - Are for life. and I cried while reading that. Because that's what we have in a friendship.

I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful mutual friendship with her, and that she made the first move to get it back again.

Brothers

2011-09-20T22:50:00.004+01:00

For the most part, Robert and Christopher get on well together. But with the difference in age, ability, and understanding of various concepts brings the challenge of how to get on well all the time. Robert gets frustrated easily with Christopher who likes to come up and knock over towers he's built, or take a car from the line-up he's playing with, or break up a jigsaw. Christopher gets frustrated because Robert won't let him play with things. When Robert gets frustrated, he tends to push Christopher out of the way, usually with his head as his hands are occupied.

I don't know if it was provoked, or if he just felt like it, but while I was having a wee while the boys were in the bath next to me, I suddenly saw Robert push Christopher, who fell sideways face first into the bath. I lunged so quickly, knickers round my ankles, hitting my knee on something on the way down, and grabbed Christopher up out of the water. He started coughing and spluttering, and crying, and as he was inconsolable in the bath, I got a towel and got him out, and cuddled him, and while I did that, I told Robert how dangerous it was to push people in the bath. The tone of my voice made him listen, I was shaking for a good half hour after it happened, and I really wanted him to know how serious it was and that he shouldn't do that. I didn't want to get into the concept of drowning and death in those words, but I did tell him that people can't breathe under water and if their face goes underwater and they can't breathe, they have to go to hospital, and the doctors there will try and make them better, but sometimes they can't make them better. I left it at that, but impressed it several times in the hope that it sunk in.

They do love each other though, and most of the time it shows. Robert will do something that Christopher finds funny, Robert will do it over and over to make him laugh. :) Christopher loves to give Robert kisses - unfortunately, with his wide open mouth and the TEETH lunging towards you, Christopher's kisses are quite scary and sometimes painful, despite the sweet intent. While toys can prove a battleground, when the boys just have themselves, a table and the run of downstairs, they have so much fun, chasing each other around, giggling and squealing. They really are good friends, and I hope as they proportionally become closer in age, they will get on better and better :)

Ohhhh my...

2011-09-17T22:37:00.002+01:00

My baby will be turning one next Sunday... I can't believe it! He seems SO much younger than Robert did when he turned one. He is gestationally 2 weeks younger than Robert was... but even so, he does seem soo so so little and much more like a baby. I don't know if this is because Robert was walking since 9 months old, whereas Christopher is just taking his first tentative steps and is nowhere near confident in walking a lot. Or if it's because he's my second baby and I have an older child to compare him to (even though in my head I think I am comparing him to how Robert was, not how Robert is). Or if it's because he is a physically smaller baby than Robert was (he's not even 20lb, maybe not even 19lb, hard to tell for sure - and Robert at 11 months old was 22lb). I don't know! But it doesn't feel like Christopher can possibly be anywhere near 1 yet!

I have been trying out vegan cake recipes, as Jonathan's sister and brother-in-law are vegan. The one I have tried so far made a rather flat and stodgy cake, although quite tasty. I will try another one, and see how that turns out, on just the one layer of sponge. I have decided to be adventurous, and make a themed birthday cake! Christopher, just like his big brother, loves cars, so I am going to make a car cake :) I am really looking forward to making it, and know how it is going to be made, just a little nervous about making some pre-made white icing black for the tyres without it going all gloopy... I'm guessing add extra icing sugar, but we'll see.... if it goes horribly I guess the car can have blue wheels or something! :)

I am also very excited for two blogger friends who have announced pregnancies recently! One more-so than the other as it has followed a looooooong wait, and is so incredibly deserving of a sweet bundle of joy!! But the two pieces of news has made me SO incredibly broody! We are not TTC yet... I haven't even had my first period yet, but I wasn't expecting to have had it though, as Robert was 11 months when it returned after him, and he was nightweaned at around 8 months old, whereas Christopher still isn't nightweaned yet. I would SO LOVE to be pregnant again, but at the same time, I do still want to wait a little while longer. I think if I manage to wait til Christopher is 18 months old, I will deserve a medal!! Hehe! Of course I might not have a choice on matters... we shall see. I think the "not preventing" method might be best for us...

Right, well it's late, and I need my sleep desperately lately... Christopher hasn't been sleeping particularly well.

Nearly 1 year post-partum

2011-09-08T11:58:00.003+01:00

As Christopher is nearing his first birthday (can you believe it? I can't!) I can't help but draw parallels between where I was then, and where I am now. Last year, I was heavily pregnant, weighed probably almost 16 stone (although I am not 100% sure), I was extremely apprehensive regarding the induction of birth I had agreed to let myself be booked into, but excited about meeting my new little one.

Now I am 4 stone down on my 4 day PP weight, weighing 10 stone 11lb, or there abouts. I feel more energetic, healthier and fitter than I have been for a decade. I still have a long way to go in terms of fitness, but now I am in a place where I am actively seeking to become fitter. I am going to start running, which I think will aid not only my physical fitness, but also my emotional well being.

I have also been learning to drive, and while I don't anticipate to have passed my test by Christopher's birthday (seeing as I've not even taken my theory test yet, which must be passed prior to booking the practical), I do anticipate that I will be a fully fledged driver before Christmas.

I also have one fewer friend than I did last year, and it still hurts, I still haven't replaced her with a friend of equal status, and that hurts too. Sometimes more than I can say.

I am also really looking forward to giving birth to my as yet unconceived third child. Sounds really strange, but I am! My second birth was amazing for the most part, and that, along with my new level of fitness (only to improve as I start a running programme imminently) has given me the confidence in my body that I can sustain a healthy pregnancy and birth a child with love, confidence, and ease. I am already planning a home birth in my mind! But do still want to wait several more months before we conceive. I still have not had my first PP period, so I'm probably ready to conceive again anyway. I feel that my next pregnancy will be the most planned in terms of me getting physically ready to carry and birth a baby than either of my last two.

Sometimes

2011-08-07T20:59:00.001+01:00

Even when I feel down, when I wonder why I am like I am, I feel grateful that I have two people in my life who wouldn't change me for the world. I try and remember that in these moments, that they are the reasons I breathe, put one foot in front of the other. But I do wish things were easier sometimes.

Urgh..

2011-08-03T21:57:00.002+01:00

Pretty sure now that my increase in discharge is actually thrush. I got it once before, when pregnant with Christopher, and this was just after a course of anti-biotics for a urine infection. It was HORRENDOUS. Not the worst thing I have ever experienced, but pretty damn uncomfortable. I tried sudocrem on it (HAHAHA worst mistake ever - if you get thrush, DO NOT use sudocrem on it!!), and eventually I just went to the toilet often, washed myself with a flannel afterwards, dried myself off, and just kept myself clean and dry in this manner until it cleared up. The amount of discharge is just insane actually, I'm sure I've had it as bad before, but to go from nothing, to this amount in the course of a few days is just silly. Part of me wonders if it's connected to "something" going on down there, I keep wondering if it's linked to ovulation. I've thought I've been ovulating several times in the past, two weeks later and still no period, so I guess I just wait it out and see.

Baby number 3 isn't set in stone, but I think it's more likely than not to happen. ;) I am excited not only because I see my two boys interacting more and more, and think how lovely it would be to give them both a younger sibling again, but because it will be my first pregnancy at a healthy weight, and looking forward to seeing how I fare with it this time round, and also, I loved my bump when I was pregnant with both boys, I find myself wondering how different I will look while pregnant if I start out much thinner!

I am now 2 lbs away from having lost 4 stone since Christopher's birth. Weighing in at 10 stone 13lb. I would love to get to 10 stone by his 1st birthday.

Anyway, not got a lot else to update on particularly, so will leave it for now. :)

Forgot to say...

2011-07-31T22:51:00.006+01:00

I took a pregnancy test, and it was negative. But you probably figured I'd have updated if it was positive!

Also, increasing amounts of CM, enough to get onto my knickers, so thinking it might not be long before I get my first post-natal period. 10 months and counting so far, and Robert's was 11 months, and he was night-weaned between 8-10 months, Christopher still has milk once or twice during the night, and no where near weaning during the night yet.

Hoping it stays away a little longer, the longer the better, until we feel ready to start trying for baby number 3!

It's been really hot this weekend, yesterday we went to a wedding, of a friend I've known for over a decade, maybe even as much as 12 or 13 years! We've not seen each other in many many years, and it was great to see him again. The boys had great fun in the venue's garden, especially since my brother was there and so Robert got to play with his cousin Ewan again (second weekend in a row!), and they get on so well now, it was lovely to see.

Will hopefully post more photos soon, but here are a few from the beginning of July.

We don't make our kids say please and thank you.

2011-07-27T22:10:00.003+01:00

Imagine the scene, you're at a playgroup, and a small child, maybe 2 years old, takes a drink from the woman handing them out. The mum waits barely 3 seconds, before calling out from across the room "Say thank you!!" and repeats her demand until the child complies. The next child takes a drink, and luckily the child complies with her mother's request to say thank you after the first time. Every parent with a child feels obliged to make her child show proper manners in this social setting.

It was how I "learnt" my manners, I remember constantly being reminded to say "please" and "thank you" and given those memories I must have been forgetting my manners regularly until maybe up to the age of 8 or maybe even older!

Children do not need to be told in this manner what behaviours require a certain response. With enough modelling, they pick it up for themselves.

Now, Robert, being 4 months shy of his third birthday, does not say please and thank you every time that would be appropriate. But then I don't think there is any kid of Robert's age who remembers EVERY time. We do not push him to say it. If he forgets, and the situation allows it, we gently remind him, by speaking for him, so in the above situation, we would say in a slightly exaggerated way (so to ensure he has heard) "Thank you, Hannah", and if that prompts him to utter his own thanks then all is well, if not, we leave it. Mostly we do not bother with this, but in social situations where there is the pressure to show manners, we gently remind him.

At home, we thank each other, and we thank Robert, when he gives us things, and when we give each other things. We say please when asking for something. It warms my heart when he says please, and thank you (or, in Robert-speak, "dee-doo") appropriately. He also says "You're welcome" when we thank him, and if somebody burps, he says "pardon oooo", and if he burps, (or farts, sneezes or even hiccups) he says "pardon me". He asks for things saying "May I have..." and this is all down to our modelling. If I say to him "May I have some of your banana please, Robert?" he will say "Yes, you may, Mummy."

Moral of the story, kids are like sponges, whatever they soak up inveriably leaks out after a while :)

Sleep and milestones

2011-07-13T12:51:00.003+01:00

Sooo... a long time no write! I don't have time during the day anymore as Robert has all but dropped his naps, and in the evening I tend to use what spare time I have then to do some digital scrapbooking or photo editing. Which means that blogging has lapsed somewhat!

It's now getting towards the middle of July. We have a 2 year 7.5 month old, and a 9.5 month old. It is amazing watching the two of them develop, both as indivuals, and as brothers! Robert is amazingly chatty, and picks up so many new phrases he hears out and about (and from the TV. ahem) and often repeats them several times over the course of the day. Today's has been "What is Spiky doing out in the daytime?!" which he got from Come Outside, the TV show with Auntie Mabel and Pippin, when they see Spiky the Hedgehog out in the garden during the day. His pronounciation is still a little unclear, but we can understand most of what he says, and he is working on his pronounciation all the time, now sometimes saying "banana" instead of "nana", and "Isps-to-fah" instead of "Ooover" when talking about his brother.

He is also pushing boundaries a lot, meaning that we have increased the number of time outs he gets lately... He usually screams as we are carrying him upstairs after being told for example that he's going for time out because he was hitting us, "I not hit you anymore Mummy!!" Sometimes we give him one more chance, other times we don't, he goes straight to time out, it depends on the severity of what he did and how many warnings he had previously. It is a very challenging time, and I'm sure it won't get easier, so we feel it's important to be consistent now, and make sure that we try and nip things in the bud now rather than let things get out of hand down the line. Sometimes it's easier said than done!

Even though he can be very challenging to deal with now, he can instantly make us smile when he wants to, with a funny antic or other, or saying something funny. He likes to pretend to be a ghost, covering himself up with a blanket. A few nights ago, he did that with his bath towel, and then started walking around, and despite us telling him to stop, he continued, and bumped quite comically into the door frame, and then Christopher's cot. He was fine, and even found it quite funny himself.

He loves to make Christopher smile, and laugh, and often "talks" to him by making babbly noises that Christopher makes, saying "gaa-gaaa-gaa!" with a big grin on his face. He does talk to him properly too of course, what I thought was extra sweet was one day, Christopher woke from his nap and started crying, and Robert went upstairs with me close behind, went into our room, and said "Are you alright, Ooover?" and then started singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to him! Awwww!

He always wants to hug and hold him, and loves to play "ide an eek" which involves Robert crawling under the table, and peeking out saying "peep bo!" and then waiting til Christopher crawls up before coming out at lightning speed prompting Christopher to turn around and chase him away, before he then skirts back under the table :)

Christopher is now 9 and a half months old. Robert, by this age, was walking unaided, and by 10 months was quite a confident walker! In comparison, as I think I said in an earlier post, Christopher isn't as quick as Robert was. But I don't think he'll be much longer. He is balancing better and better, holding on with one hand, cruising with ease, and will stand for a few seconds if put in the right position and sort of pre-balanced. I don't think it'll be much longer before he's standing alone, and then walking will follow shortly afterwards I think. Before he's a year old I expect he'll be walking!

His sleep has been terrible the last few nights, waking every few hours, and SCREAMS. THE. PLACE. DOWN. until offered the boob, but even with a boob, he will still wake in a few hours and do the same :( We have no end in sight to when we will be able to move Christopher into Robert's room, as he is still nowhere near night weaned! We are hoping that some new skill (thinking, standing alone?!) will emerge soon to explain the horrendous nights.

We had some photographs taken at a photo studio, the same one as we went to when Robert was 6 months old. This photograph shows how sturdy Christopher is 1 handed!

Despite Robert being less than co-operative at the start, they did manage to get some nice ones of him. This is one of my favourites, and there are a few close up ones that I love too.

Onto some "me" news, 2 of my personal goals are well underway. The first of which, my weight loss, is going steadily again (finally) after a big stall, it's slow going but it's gradually coming off again, which I'm more than happy with. Over the last 9.5 months I have averaged at around 1.3lb lost per week, which is nice and healthy, and should see me at my overall goal by the time Christopher is one. I have dropped from 15 stone (well, 14st 11) since Christopher was 4 days old, and a size 20, to 11 stone and a size 14. I am aiming to lose 1 more stone, then see how I feel, but once I get there, I shall probably try and up the exercise, and tone up rather than just losing the fat. I am hoping to be in a size 12, or maybe a generous size 10 ;) Which is US size 6.

The second goal is my driving lessons. I have done 13 hours of lessons now (which reminds me, I *must* pay for another block tonight!) and have covered up to roundabouts, and in my last lesson, did my first maneuver, the "turn in the road" aka 3-point-turn. My next lesson is in 2 days time. I wonder what will be covered then :)

Anyway, sorry it's been so long between posts, I can't promise to say when the next one will be either! Most likely it will be posted by a 28-year-old though ;)

Guilt

2011-06-23T10:12:00.003+01:00

Last night, I read a thread about a TV documentary, in which a mother left her sick child in hospital 3 weeks without seeing her. The comments in this forum thread left me wracked with guilt as it made me think back to when Robert was in SCBU. They were saying how they didn't want to leave their baby's side, that they only took a cigarette break because they could look into the room and see their baby anyway.

When Robert was in SCBU he was there for 5 days. I saw him in the incubator the night he was born, and then went up to sleep. I went down in the morning, and thereafter went to see him every 4 hours. I didn't stay very long really, mainly just to feed him and change him, and settle him back down to sleep again, then left to go back up to my room on the ward. I didn't stay with him all the time, nor did I really feel the wish to. I know that the circumstances surrounding his birth left me numb and unable to bond with him. I know that deep down, the first few days I was thinking "why am I going to see this baby?" because he didn't feel like mine. I think a part of me thought I was a fraud, that the mother of the baby would come along and say "thanks for feeding and changing him for me, I'll be taking him home now."

But even knowing this, I still feel wracked with guilt now, thinking how I was only there for Robert when I was needed to be, not because I wanted to be. I feel awful knowing this, whether it was out of my control or not.

Growing up fast.

2011-06-11T20:04:00.003+01:00

Christopher is now 8 and a half months old, and around the same time (maybe a week off) out that he was in! He's crawling very confidently now, and already has his own mind made up about what he wants and what he likes! He loves Robert, and finds him absolutely hilarious at times. If Robert is having milk and I bring Christopher up as well (Robert has got staying latched on as I lean over to pick his brother up off the floor perfected), Christopher will grin, and immediately lean in to Robert for a hug, which is duly returned, both arms around his little brother (while still latched on!). They can be very sweet with each other :) He's also beginning to pull up, which has been cause of more than a few tears, what with pulling up on Robert's toybox, with a lid which from the side can easily catch small fingers. And also Robert's un-occupied chair, he pulls up on it, and because it's not very heavy, he falls backwards, pulling the chair over on top of himself (and sometimes banging his head on the door behind him). It's meaning now I need eyes in the back of my head, and will mean that I won't be able to leave the two boys downstairs while I do jobs upstairs, or go to the loo, Christopher will need to come with me. Truly now have my hands full!

Something I find unbelievably cute is how pleased Christopher is to see me. If I sit on the floor, and he catches sight of me, he will squeal happily, and crawl over to me, sometimes giggling away, and pull himself up onto my lap. It warms my heart and makes me so happy to see this little person full of love and joy recipricate my feelings!

Robert is getting so chatty, which is lovely to hear. His words become clearer by the day. He made his first attempts at saying all the syllables in "Christopher" yesterday which was sooo funny, I shouldn't have laughed really but it came out just a gumble of mumbly sounds, I wish I had properly thought of how it sounded so I could type it out, but never mind. He then gave a few good attempts, saying "Iss-ooover". He is beginning to say "a" and "the" in his sentences now as well, a sentence before might have been "I umpin' off oh-fah!" (I'm jumping off sofa), it's now occasionally being "I umpin' off vweh oh-fah!". He tries so hard to pronounce the "th" sound!

He is singing some whole songs now, we can tell what he's singing as well even though he doesn't get the tune right! He can sing "the wheels on the bus" very well, although most often without the "the". He sang "I'm a little teapot" earlier, singing "Here's my handle! here's my spout! tip me up! pour me out!" He does still refer to some songs by name, which sound nothing like it should be, for example, Grand Old Duke of York is "Gig-ork"

Love my little boys so much!

Oh, and one small thing to finish up on, Jonathan and I did a naughty a couple of nights ago... we didn't use anything, and even though I've not had my periods return yet, I have been having increased amounts of cervical fluid, so there might be the possibility of baby #3... I will be happy whatever the outcome, something which seems crazy, the age gap would be tiny if I was, about 17 months, but I would be happy to welcome him/her into our family! And alternatively, if I am not, then that is fine too, I am happy to wait for another year or so before we try again, although my ideal situation would be to not get to the point where we are actively trying, I guess. I know that we were only trying for a fraction of the time it has taken/taking some people to conceive with Christopher, but it still felt horrid each month to get that BFN, I can only imagine it gets exponentially worse each time... It does feel nice to know that whatever the outcome, I am at peace with it this time. I will keep things updated.

Health reviews

2011-06-04T07:08:00.003+01:00

In the UK, health reviews are offered at 7-9 months and 2-and-a-half. As luck would have it, Robert is two-and-a-half, and Christopher is 8 months. After a bit of appointment wiggling, due to me initially having 2 separate appointments in 2 separate locations just one hour apart, I managed to get the two boys in on the same appointment. Robert passed all his tests and got measured as 34lbs and 96cm tall. He built a tower for them and did a drawing to show them he could draw a line and a circle. His notes say his speech is half understandable, and got told that if it stopped improving, I should get an appointment with the GP and get a referral to a speech therapist. Something that right now isn't necessary as he is improving all the time.

Christopher got weighed for his, he is now 16lb 3oz, which at 8 months is on the dinky side, between the 2nd and 9th centiles. He is still in age 3-6 clothes, some of which are snug now, and some still have a bit of room. He does seem very different from Robert in that he does seem so tiny to be crawling. I remember when Robert started to stand unaided around this age, he seemed too small to be standing, I can only imagine how small Christopher would look!

Despite weighing so little (goodness, my "friend" would have a field day if she knew how much he weighs, poor starving Christopher), he is meeting his milestones and doing everything they would expect of him, and the health visitor we saw was not worried in the slightest at his weight.

I am relieved, I was bracing myself for some mention about his weight, even though I knew there is nothing to worry about because his temperament, general health, and milestone completion are evidence enough about his well-being.

Driving lessons

2011-05-28T14:25:00.002+01:00

This post isn't particularly on topic regarding my little ones, but a big part of my life, and hopefully one that will enrich our lives when we are more mobile, and I can travel furthur alone!

I have finally started my driving lessons, just 2 months short of my 28th birthday. I started 8 days ago, and have had 3.5 hours of lessons in that time (two Fridays, 2 hours for the first one, 1.5 hours for the second). I've gone with an independant driving company, run by a man called Colin. So far, I am very impressed with his teaching skills. I have updated facebook after both my lessons with him, but for those who don't have facebook or have me on there, it seems that I am a complete natural :) In my first two hour lesson, he told me that I would be learning how to pull off, and come to a stop again. We did that, and I soon got the hang of it, so we also moved onto changing gears as well! That lesson was on a trading estate, so there weren't many parked cars or traffic, and there was pretty much just a circuit to keep going round and round. He left me with a very positive end note, and told me I was picking it up a lot faster than most people, and that he couldn't believe I'd never driven before hehe.

I then had a second lesson which lasted 1.5 hours, which felt a bit less exhausting, and a better length I think than the two hours. He drove me this time to a housing estate with more parked cars, and also lots of turnings. He put me straight into doing left turns onto a minor road, which again I picked up quickly, then moving onto right turns, which took a little longer maybe but still pretty quick, and then went onto pulling out of a T junction. And spent a fair amount of time towards the end of the lesson combining all three around this estate, giving me plenty of practice braking at the T junction and being ready to pull away again.

I feel like I'm making lots of progress and enjoying learning to drive a lot! I never thought I would enjoy it so much, or be as good as I appear to be! I went in with a fair amount of confidence, which I think helps, and just a "let's tackle this then!" kind of attitude, and it seems to be paying off! I'm hoping that I'll have passed my test before the end of the year, maybe even before Christopher's birthday. We shall see!

Future health

2011-05-18T22:03:00.003+01:00

Occasionally, my mind does wander into the not-so-distant (hopefully) future, when I will be trying for, and then pregnant with my third baby. I wonder how my pregnancy will fare - will I get diabetes again? How will the birth go? Will I be low risk? And if I am, will I choose a home birth again?

I am more aware than ever that my eating habits are slowly improving, I still struggle occasionally, and mostly with treats, I binge on them rather than spreading them out and making them last. But my meals are more healthy, I make a lot more food from whole ingredients, and very few things from heavily processed ready meals. I think the closest I get to those are the sauce jars, perhaps tins of baked beans, and other things like that. A new favourite of mine, and healthier alternative, is mashed cauliflower. It is a delicious alternative to potato, and I am quickly preferring it. I hope that there are lots more things that will gradually seep in and that as well as losing the final third of the weight I would like to lose, I will also become a healthier person. That any future pregnancies will be healthy ones, and that I pass down healthy habits to my children.

I hope I can make this vessel of life the most healthy it can possibly be, both for my future and that of my children. To think I am now the weight I was when I was around the age of 20, that over the last seven or eight years my weight crept up and down and up again to probably almost 17 stone at the height of pregnancy with Robert, and that in the last eight months I have lost almost 3 and a half stone, with maybe a couple of stone lost with the birth of Robert and between pregnancies, I should not scoff at the changes I have already made. My weight loss could have been greater, had I not had sticking points, but in a way I am glad that I've had them, as I think they have taught me as much or maybe more than managing to lose the weight I have done. It has shown me that I can maintain a weight by watching what I eat and allowing a few treats, and maybe going a bit OTT on occasion, but not as a matter of course. It has shown me how important it is to carry on eating healthily. It has shown me that I don't have to give up if things get slow, that I can just keep treading water and eventually I will get back the insentive and courage to carry on losing weight, without shooting back up the scales and un-doing all the work I've put in.

This weight loss journey might be as long as some people's, but it is still a fair amount, and one that I think will take me a year in total to complete, I think that to have stuck to something for this length of time is something I couldn't do several years ago. Becoming a mother has prepared me in some respect, patience is needed for both. Becoming a mother has spurred me into doing this, I want to be healthy for my children. I hope I can continue and that it will help me and my children to be healthy for the rest of our lives.

Crying It Out

2011-05-15T20:38:00.003+01:00

I remember writing a while ago, some time early April saying I thought I had ovulated, and would be surprised if my period hadn't shown up by May. Well, it's now the middle of May, and still no period. I have also taken a pregnancy test, and I am not pregnant. The last time we could possibly have made a baby before I took the test was a long enough time previously that I felt confident that the answer would be correct. Soo.. I don't know what was up with that, just odd niggles I guess! Still, the longer without one the better I think, and seeing as Christopher is about 7.5 months old, that's fine by me! Robert was 11 months when my period returned, and he had been nightweaned for a few months by then.

Christopher is not nightweaned yet, but we will be nightweaning him gradually like we did Robert. I have read a lot of gentle parenting blogs, which advocate breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing, cloth nappies, BLW, etc etc. And while I can see why people want to let their child learn to sleep by themselves in their own time, I personally needed to nightwean Robert for my own sanity, especially as when he got to 8 months old and was starting to wake hourly again, I just could not handle that! And while I am coping with motherhood-to-two better than I did with motherhood-to-one, I think the fact that I have two to look after would make me be in need of my sleep, especially since one is a very independantly-minded toddler! I think that in every aspect of parenting, we all just find our own way. Whether we do lots of research or little to none, we all do the best job we can, and sometimes I think it is important to remember that.

Why is it then, that as a pretty well-researched mother (at least I believe so) I sometimes read things or hear ways of parenting and cringe? Perhaps not at what is being done, but at the reasoning or the justification. The example I am thinking of right now was a discussion on someone's status about CIO. Someone replied saying that they did it with their baby, and after a week (a WEEK!) they finally "learned that bedtime meant bedtime". I read that, and my heart drooped a little for the baby, and my initial thoughts were "no, your baby learned that no-one would come no matter how distressed they were and how long they cried for." I have no doubt that this person loves their baby more than anything, and that they felt that CIO was the only option, but to me it just feels so harsh on a baby, I can't help but think how scared the baby must feel, in the dark and alone, desperately wanting to see their mummy and know she is still there, that they are safe, and no-one comes to get them.

I think what I find saddest is that I read so many people saying "I was in tears listening to them scream". How can anything that feels so WRONG possibly be right? What has happened to mother's instinct?

If you want to get to that Magical Land of Uninterrupted Sleep, there are several paths you can take. You can take the shortest route so you get there faster, but the road is made of broken glass, nails and shards of rock, and you are barefoot. You get to your destination in a fraction of the time than if you went on one of the other paths, but it is a journey filled with anguish and pain, and by the time you get there you have scars you will never get rid of. Or you can take one of the longer paths. The paths consist of sand, grass, smooth paving slabs, but they are significantly longer journeys than the short path. You reach your destination eventually, probably more tired than if you had taken the short path, but you had a relatively easy and painless journey, and no scars to show for it.

Big delay in update!

2011-05-11T21:31:00.000+01:00

Well it's now May, Robert will be 2 and a half at the end of the month, and Christopher will be 8 months two days later. The boys have been lovely at times, and challenging at times, such is the job of "Mother" ;)

Christopher has begun to crawl, of a fashion anyway! He is most definitely able to move forwards to get at something he wants, and is able to get where-ever he wants to on one level. At the moment it's more of an army crawl, pulling himself along by his arms with a boost from his legs. His new trick of the last few days is getting his legs right underneath himself, and then pushing up on them, locking his legs straight, and lifting his body up so he's on his hands and his toes, and his bum is hiiiigh in the air! It's very cute, and I don't remember Robert doing it to that extent! Robert's was more of a little push up, with a fairly straight body. It won't be long at all before he is zooming around. I wonder if he'll be an early walker like his brother?

Robert is chatting away all the time now, and his sentences get more and more complex it seems. I'm struggling to think of examples though as it's just what he does now, and he talks about everything and anything around him. If he watches something on TV, he is able to talk about it afterwards, and he is able to recall things he did several hours before hand to somebody who was not there with only a little prompting, things like "When we went for a walk around the village, what animals did you see?". His pronounciation for words I notice are getting clearer, but again right now I'm struggling to recall which ones in particular. He now says our cat's name (Hazel) very clearly, exactly how it should be said. Since she has had some problems with her eye, she's had numerous visits to the vets in recent weeks, with another planned for Friday, and most likely another one some time next week. She's had a biopsy taken on a growth in her eye which may or may not be a cancerous tumour :( But she does seem to be more placid and accepting towards Robert lately.

Robert is becoming very compassionate of late. This afternoon, Christopher was over-tired, and was on the floor and moaning/crying while I rushed to get Robert's dinner ready. I came back in when it was finished, looked at him, and said "Do you want a cuddle, Christopher?" and picked him up. I hadn't even stood back up properly when Robert came over and leant his head towards Christopher's head and holding onto his shoulders (how he hugs a lot of the time), and then gave him a kiss on the head. A moment which melted my heart.

He has recently acquired the knowledge that if another child (his brother included) has a toy he wants, it is ok to thrust another toy into their hands, take the toy he wants, and call it "swapping" lol. We are working on getting him to realise that it needs to be a mutual agreement, and that the other child should want to play with the toy he's trying to give them. Even when he learns to wait for the other child to accept the toy, I'm sure that in his mind, it will very much be a selfish act on his part in that the only reason he wants to swap is because he wants that other toy.

When it gets to bath time, Robert climbs up the stairs, and I follow behind with Christopher, facing outwards. This lately has become an amusing time for all of us, but in particular, Christopher, who seems to find the ascending figure of his brother hilarious! This continues for a good while, with Christopher in fits of laughter as Robert walks around upstairs, sometimes not really doing anything funny particularly, just walking to or from him. But it quickly turns into a game where Robert will go into one of the bedrooms and then come out shouting "Air!". what the "air" means I'm not sure, maybe "here"? He is rewarded for his efforts easily as Christopher will chuckle away at his sudden appearance, and when Robert moves out of eyesight, he waits eagerly, bouncing on my knee, until Robert returns. It's really very sweet :)

Anyway I'll leave with a photo of my two boys that I got made into a canvas print for our anniversary last week.

2011-04-18T13:38:00.000+01:00

Another update from me!

Robert is now 28 and a half months old, and over the last few weeks we are seeing some signs of readiness for potty training with him. We are not starting officially yet, but it bodes well that we can do lots of practice over summer when it's nice and hot and he can run around inside or outside without a nappy on. He is able to wee on demand now, providing he needs to go! And he can stop his wee midflow as well (he started to wee on the floor before his bath, we said "hang on Robert, we'll get your potty" and he stopped, and did the rest on the potty). He occasionally dislikes doing poos in his nappy, but usually only when they are hard, so it's probably more the pooing than it being in his nappy or not. He is occasionally telling us when he has done a poo, and asking for a nappy change, but others he won't say to us if he has, and he will deny it if we ask! So a while to go yet.

He is becoming very quickly a child, rather than a toddler. He is so tall and stocky that he looks a lot older than he is. His talking would give away to strangers that he is not as old as he looks, as although he is becoming more talkative, stringing together 6 words or more to form sentences, he still misses off sounds at the beginning of words. One such 6 word sentence we had this morning was this one: "Obberd ime up on Daddy uh-vers!" which translates to "Robert climb up on Daddy's covers!" He is still fairly deliberate in his talking, in that there is a noticeable small pause between words most of the time.

His memory astounds me. He looked at a DVD case for Monsters vs Aliens earlier today, which we haven't seen in a few months. I pointed to one of the characters and asked him what the name was (which I had trouble remembering) and he got it right! Such a clever boy!

Christopher is getting more and more mobile as well. He can sit unaided now for a long time, but does still occasionally wobble and fall over, if this happens to be backwards, the shock of hitting his head on the carpet makes him cry, although with a bit of delayed reaction! He rolls well both ways now, and spins on the spot. He also tries to get onto his knees by pushing with his hands, he goes a little way onto his knees but mostly just slides backwards! So he is covering distance now, albeit not much! I'm pleased that at the moment things on shelves are fairly safe ;) Another reason why I like my babies to not have baby walkers ;)

The weekend of the 9th and 10th of April, we had a photoshoot. My mum was eager to get a group photograph of her and her partner, me, my brother and our families. I've seen the proofs on the website, and I'm fairly pleasantly surprised that there were quite a few nice photos. My mum had told us that we were to tell her which was our favourite and she would buy us a print for our anniversaries. This is the nicest one of the lot I think.

After a while, Robert got increasingly aggitated and wanted to get down and play, not sit on someone's lap doing nothing (which was very understandable!) Quite a long time was spent with teddies behind the photographer, which must have resulted in a few nice ones, but we did get ones where Robert was struggling to get away, and something that did rile me was the photographer at one point instructing my mum to "just grab him" which led me to believe he really isn't all that experienced with Robert's age group. After a while the older boys just got so aggitated (and I was getting quite upset for Robert) that eventually the photographer admitted defeat and let the boys have a break, so I left Christopher with Mum and Dave, and the rest of us went outside. The photographer got some nice photos of Mum with Christopher, and then just Christopher, and we reconvened to try again, and a similar tale ensued, with some nice photos before again we decided to call it a day. But either way, we got some good photos as a final result, so that's what matters I guess :)

At the belated mothers day lunch, the boys got on really well, and had a nice time playing together (mainly underneath the table, squealing away in excitement to each other lol!)

On other news, I've sent back my driving licence. It arrived fairly promptly, but they made a mistake and put me down as Miss instead of Mrs, despite the fact I sent them my birth and marriage certificate as proofs of identity.. sigh! I've not got it back yet, it's been about 12 days since I posted it, and they say it can take up to 21 days. When I do get it back, I will be doing the scary but exciting task of ringing around for driving lessons! And maybe in a few months time we will be car shopping. Would be good if we could find a car that would be able to fit 3 child seats in the back, you know, so we don't have to upgrade when/if number 3 is on its way ;)

Talking of which, I think I am going crazy ;) I was reading on a forum about someone's morning sickness, and I got an overwhelming wistful "I wish I was pregnant" feeling! I don't want morning sickness even if I am pregnant, I guess I was just thinking about the whole thing. It is just so exciting and wonderful, I hope Jonathan won't protest too much when the time comes, I think it's a good sign that last time I mentioned the future with more than 2 children in it, he didn't interject straight away with "no way" or similar, but maybe he was thinking it, who knows lol.

It's been a while!

2011-04-01T20:08:00.002+01:00

Christopher is now 6 months old. Time really has flown since he was born, I remember the first 6 months with Robert feeling like an eternity even though it went quickly, if that makes sense. It definitely feels like Christopher has slotted into our lives so seamlessly, that maybe that's why it has gone so quickly, it feels like he was never not here. I remember my sister-in-law telling me when Robert was very little that it wouldn't be long before I forgot what life was like without him with us. I kept feeling bad because I could, and kept thinking for a long time that I wished parts of it were back. It took a long time before it really did feel like he'd been here forever, that life with Robert was how it was "meant" to be. But with Christopher, it already feels like he's been here forever. I just can't imagine life without him, without both of them of course, but I am still so smitten with Christopher.

I think he is just so easy going, so bright and interested in things, eager for new experiences, and so connected with his world that he has grown to know so keenly already. He is happy to roll around on the floor for a while, watching his brother or playing with his toys, while I get a few necessities done, and when I come back, pick him up and talk to him, I always get rewarded with the biggest smiles. He seems quite serious in that while he smiles a lot, he doesn't laugh a lot, and often it's things we don't expect that make him laugh. He started laughing at Robert last week, as he was playing with a toy, banging it on the floor. The noise it made must have been very funny because he was in fits of laughter! And today, when Robert set his cars down what he calls his "car ladder", Christopher found it hilarious when they reached the bottom and the car rolled down and hit his foot. :)

We have started giving him practically anything foodwise, apart from the obvious no-nos for under 1s, mainly whatever we're having if it's lunch or a snack, or dinner. He's had spaghetti bolognese, pasta, jacket potato with cheese and beans, sandwiches, various fruits and veggies, slices of cold chicken, cheese sticks. Already he seems to have mastered avoiding his gag reflex. He hits it occasionally, but deals with it quickly. He's getting the hang of picking up food so quickly it's astonishing. He can already get at the food clutched in his fist! And he seems to make remarkably little mess compared to Robert. I am much less "anal" about the mess this time round though! Seeing as I am used to lots of washing, I think "meh" about a bit of food stain on clothes, it just goes straight in the washing machine for the next time it goes on. A sheet under the highchair and a big bib help in the process. But I am appreciating just how much easier it is to stick to milk feeds. Especially with a toddler to get ready as well!

He is getting on quite well physically. He can sit unaided for a few seconds, but mainly needs support. And he also rolls around a lot now, and pushes up on his arms which he's quite pleased about ;) He still seems so LITTLE to me. He is weighing less than Robert did, I believe he's around the 9th centile now, and was under 15lb still when I had him weighed last, but with his temperament and his nappies and his development I think that it is nothing to worry about. But it seems crazy how such a little person can be almost sitting and is reaching towards independance already!

Robert by comparison does seem huge, and week by week his articulacy grows. His sentences are quickly becoming more and more complex "Daddy innid eedin his dinner!" (Daddy finished eating his dinner!) being one of them. He is also asking questions now, which is so cute and sometimes so funny! At dinner tonight, Jonathan was taking photos of Christopher eating his pasta, and trying to make him look to the camera. Christopher however was set on staring at Robert. Jonathan took to making various strange and funny noises in an attempt to win Christopher's attention, and after about 10 seconds of this, Robert looked at Jonathan with a look of complete amusement on his face, and said in a tone of voice to match "What's Daddy doing?" while I was cracking up in laughter at the two of them. :)

He also asks "What's this?" which I heard him ask for the first time when we had a BBQ last Friday, he was holding up a piece of spring onion.

He will hold conversations between himself and his toys, which I think is absolutely adorable, and can't wait til Christopher is joining in!

It was lovely, yesterday Robert came and joined Christopher and I on the sofa, so I sat Christopher on Robert's lap, and Robert put his hand on Christopher's back, and peered into his face intently, and said "Ello, Ooover!" with a big smile on his face.

Christopher loves Robert, he often just watches him play with a big grin on his face, and particularly loves it when Robert pays him attention and talks to him.

One thing I am finding tough with Robert at the moment is the frequency that he wants to nurse. It seems to be more than Christopher most days, and I feel torn in what I want to do about it. All I know right now is that it can't be good to carry on doing exactly what I'm doing when I give an inward groan whenever I see Robert come over and start to clamber up on the sofa because I know, 95% of the time when he does that the next words out of his mouth will be "Gah-gee eeease Mammy". I have tried days where I say yes every time he asks, and he asks a LOT. I have tried days of trying to delay/distract sometimes, saying yes other times. I have tried "only til Mummy counts to 10".

But I think the main thing is that I don't KNOW what I want right now. I don't know if I want him to cut down nursing to just a few times a day (like morning, and maybe twice during the day), or whether I want to start completely weaning him. I don't know whether I am reluctant to do anything because I don't know what the cause of this increased nursing is. Am I failing to fulfill a need of his that he needs to replace with his Gah-gee? I'm just not sure what to do, but I don't think trying lots of different things is making anything easier. There's one thing I've not tried yet which I might start doing tomorrow, and that is say "we can have gah-gee, but only upstairs on Mummy's bed" and maybe he'll be less willing to keep going up and downstairs all the time to nurse. The only problem will be if Christopher is asleep, as he sleeps in our room, and Robert can sometimes be as quiet as a fairy elephant!

Before I sign off again, for my records and general musing, is that I had some cervical fluid earlier in the evening when I went to the toilet. I've had some before as well, but then while I was getting Christopher ready for bed I felt twangs low down in my belly, which makes me think ovulation pain?! I'm pretty sure I conceived Christopher in the first possible cycle after Robert's birth, even though I'd had 3 periods previous to his conception, and Robert was 13 months when Christopher was conceived. I wonder if in a couple of weeks I will see a somewhat earlier Aunt Flo visit? Either way, I'd better be careful if Jonathan and I get the urge soon!

Separation Anxiety

2011-03-16T12:15:00.002Z

Have I mentioned how fantastic my in-laws are? They are brilliant, they respect us as parents, they do as we ask with things relating to our children, and every Tuesday morning they look after Robert (which gives me time for Christopher, and a bit of me time during his naps), and then in the afternoon, they bring Robert back, and my mother-in-law looks after the boys while I go and do the weekly shop with my father-in-law.

Robert tends to go to sleep for his nap shortly after they get here in the afternoon, and Christopher may or may not be having his.

The last two weeks though when Christopher has been awake on my leaving to go shopping, I have come back to find that he has been screaming solidly since about 20 minutes after my departure. :( Words cannot describe how awful this makes me feel, nothing my mother-in-law did helped console him, he realised I wasn't there, and it was only seeing me that made him happy again.

Next week, if he is awake (and not due a nap) when I go to do the weekly shop, Christopher will come with us. I cannot bear to have my sweet baby boy go through such torture, thinking his Mummy has abandoned him :( My poor little guy. :( Yesterday, I gave him a cuddle for 5 minutes, then went to put away the cold shopping, and he started screaming again. Now I know some babies do this a lot, but Christopher NEVER screams, not like that. He cries sometimes, yes. He grumbles a fair amount when he is sleepy, and he cries when he wakes in the night with a rumbling tummy. But that is the ONLY time I've heard him scream.

I am not going to put him through that again for the sake of "getting him used to it". He is not even six months old for goodness sake! Yes, at some point, he IS going to have to get used to being apart from me, but not yet. Poor little love.

I still can't believe how much love the human heart is capable of storing. I remember Alice saying once how instead of your love being shared amongst your children, with each child your heart grows an extra chamber, an extra pocket of love. It's true. I love Christopher more and more with each passing day, and the same for Robert. The capabilities of a mother absolutely blow my mind, this is definitely Mother Nature at her finest.

Finding things tough. :(

2011-03-14T08:06:00.001Z

I had a hard day on Friday. Being nonchalant about a friendship that was very important to me has proven very difficult, especially when that person is now acting like I'm the devil, and telling anyone who will listen.

I asked Jonathan what he'd think about moving house, I felt that upset about it all. I do want to move at one point anyway, but that was definitely a bit rash.

We have reached a compromise, in that we will focus on some home improvements, and also I will get my provisional licence and start learning to drive. We'll get a second car, and pave over our lawn to have somewhere to park it, and convert the garage too so we have a proper dining room.

Let's hope this is onwards and upwards.

Tantrums!

2011-03-10T20:43:00.002Z

Boy oh boy, so HERE are the "terrible twos". Robert has started tantrumming like crazy, at 27 months. I guess we did quite well to get this far with only a few minor incidents, but lately we are getting full on, screaming the place down tantrums. As his sole carer, boy am I feeling the brunt of it! You sure do notice it when your once laid back toddler suddenly finds himself. My days are now about 5 times as hard, and by the time the boys are in bed, I feel EXHAUSTED, both mentally and physically.

I must admit, part of me is thinking "What did I let myself in for?!?!" knowing that Christopher will one day be this tantrumming toddler! With Robert's sudden assertiveness has come another leap in his language. He says more and more complex sentences every day, and absorbs new phrases and sentences like a sponge!

His latest phrase, which is already becoming a bit wearing, is "Stop bugging me, Mummy!" Goodness knows where he picked that up from, the only place I can think of is this pyjama set we bought him..

I guess we must have read it out loud at one point and he picked up on it, but how he managed to get it in context I don't know, but now, whenever I ask him to do something he doesn't want to do, that's what I hear. Whenever I go to do something he doesn't want me to do (whether it's regarding him or not) that's what I hear. Do I just ignore it? Like you'd do for swear words?

He's had a proper time out once now, for 2 minutes. But I find it difficult to assess what would constitute a good reason for putting him in time out, if you know what I mean? I'm desperately trying to find time to read through "Children are from Heaven" again. And will try and read out relevant sections to Jonathan so he's got an idea on the book, as he won't read books I want him to.

I'm feeling ok though generally. It's more difficult, yes, but today was easier. The boys and I went for a buggy walk with SureStart, Robert in the buggy, and Christopher in my Ellaroo. It was only me as a parent on the walk, so when Robert wanted to walk, he held Angela's hand while I pushed the empty buggy, and occasionally he would get back in for a rest and I'd push.

This afternoon we played in the garden for a while. It was incredibly windy so we didn't stay outside for too long. I consented whenever Robert asked to nurse, and each time I reflected on his stillness and the silence! And of course, it's very difficult to be annoyed with a nursling, especially if they are still, and look up into your eyes :)

On other news, we have begun to slowly introduce solid foods to Christopher. He doesn't turn 6 months until the 25th, but he is sitting with support, and will grab food and take it to his mouth. And Robert was a few days younger too :)

We are doing baby-led weaning again. Christopher has tried pear, banana, cauliflower and broccoli. I am not going to introduce anything other than fruit or vegetables until he is 6 months old. He really enjoyed the cauliflower today. He enjoyed the pear he had the other day. He's not ingested a lot yet. Although I'm not entirely sure how much of the cauliflower he ate, as it was a fairly large piece and by the end it was of course all shredded to bits! Whenever I held up some food for him to take from my hands, his eyes would goggle and he would grab out urgently with both hands for what I was holding :) So eager, bless him. But it is all a little bitter sweet, I know he is ready for it, yet he's my little baby. It's not met with as much enthusiasm (on my part) as I thought it would!

I've found bits of evidence that he has eaten some of the pear, and the banana. I guess tomorrow I will find out just how much cauliflower he ate today ;)

I feel sad

2011-03-04T21:33:00.002Z

Most days, I fail at my mission to be a calm Mummy. Most days, I shout at Robert at least once. I know that no-one is the perfect parent, but some days I feel so inadequate. And then I tell Robert not to shout, yet I shout. Sometimes I ask calmly, then ask calmly again, then again, and again, and again. Then I start to get frustrated, and my voice rises. Then some more. Then realising even the rising voice isn't getting the correct response, it turns into a sudden yell, a leap in loudness which provokes a loud cry from Robert. Yet the cry is shortlived, it's almost as though he's come to learn that's what his Mama does. :(

I don't want to continue this path, I want to be the peaceful yet authoritative parent that I have read it is possible to be. The kind and understanding parent. The one who sees not the behaviour, but the needs of my child, and how those are affecting what he does. I want to be the parent that my child is not afraid to confide in as he gets older and starts to reach into adulthood. And to be that parent, I have to show him that he has nothing to fear from me, that making mistakes will not make me angry. That I understand that making mistakes is human, that everyone makes them, even his Mama.

When my mother came over to help out a couple of weeks after Christopher's birth, I mentioned to her, in jest, how I was "scarred for life" regarding an incident where she lost her temper with me. I do remember cowering in the corner of my room while she advanced on me and hit me. It was an isolated incident, but I remember it. Yes I have forgiven her, I know I must have been quite testing at that time to make her do that, but my mum burst into tears, and I realised that although I said it in jest, it was clearly an incident she remembers well too, and regrets deeply. I hugged her and assured her I was joking when I said I was "scarred" although obviously I do remember it. That I had forgiven her or else she would not have been with me at that moment, let alone at Christopher's birth.

But anyway, I don't want to feel that regret knowing I did something that will never leave my child's memory, even if it is a "one off". There are many things I regret already, things that luckily won't be left imprinted on anyone else's memory but mine, but I have to act. Learn patience, again and again. Take 10 seconds, a minute. Calm down and collect. Take some time to think, what would be best here? Not act rashly with emotion.

Being a parent has taught me so many things, and will teach me many more to come, and hopefully, along the process, I will become a better person.

Difference of opinion.

2011-03-03T14:09:00.002Z

I am well aware that with regards to feeding a baby, no matter infancy, or the introduction of solids, or what, but there will ALWAYS be a difference of opinion amongst even the best of friends, the closest of family.

What I was not prepared for though was the attack I was on the receiving end of yesterday.

I went to the park with the boys to meet my friend, S, who lives down the road. We had a nice chat, I played with the older boys on the swings while she fed her daughter. Then came the weaning discussion. It started off gently, then progressed to slightly heated with both of us standing our ground as to what we believed in, then suddenly, BAM.

"I think that people who don't start to wean their babies by 4 months are cruel, and starving them."

*blink*

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My good friend, who KNOWS we are waiting until 6 months to wean Christopher, coming out with that while staring stonily into my eyes.

What she was referring to, was of course the article in the British Medical Journal regarding breastfed babies, and their lack of belief that 6 months exclusive breastfeeding was best for the baby, that the delay could bring about allergies and a lack of iron. Well I'm not going to turn this into a debate, but as far as I'm concerned, the response by The Analytical Armadillo says it all.

Anyway, I replied "You think I am cruel and starving Christopher?"

"Oh, no." she replied. "I don't know Christopher."

But it was what she meant. I went and got Robert, too angry to be able to rationalise with him why we had to go home, thus I had a screaming toddler who didn't understand why he had to leave the park so suddenly without warning :( As I left the park, she called after me "I've been wanting to tell you that for ages, but you wouldn't listen".

So THAT'S why she only has wanted to meet at the park lately. Because she was planning on dropping that nice little nugget into conversation and guessed how I would take it. Well, it appears my friend wasn't a friend at all. When she started weaning at 3 months, did I say anything? No. Did I start berating her choice and state my opinions on weaning early? No. Why? Because I valued our friendship. I knew she wouldn't understand, I knew she wouldn't do anything differently, so I let it slip by, after all, each baby is different right?

I was physically shaking as I was walking home and even for a while afterwards from the anger that my friend had said that to me. That she had stomped all over our friendship like that. Cruel. Starving. FUCKING CRUEL. What person calls their friend CRUEL? My baby is happy, healthy, growing well, meeting developmental milestones, yet is, apparently, starving. My baby who rarely cries, who laughs and smiles all the time, shows curiosity and amazement at his world, is the victim of CRUELTY at the hands of his mother, who has refused to shove bland blended vegetable mush into his mouth, but instead has chosen to wait til he can put the food into his mouth himself. Call the social services!!!! This baby is CLEARLY malnourished!!!!

And.. breathe.

Anyhow. Having played the senario out in my head all evening, and even when I woke in the middle of the night, annoyed I hadn't said certain things, and so on, I woke this morning, and it suddenly clicked. I don't need her friendship, not if she can act like that. And just because I have lost her friendship, there's no reason why I have to mope. None at all. Today I woke with a fresh view, a fresh outlook. My day-to-day life had become a little stagnant to be honest, I suppose cabin fever had set in. Each day, I am going to arrange to get out of the house, either in the morning or the afternoon. This morning I went on the buggy walk which the SureStart Centre do each Thursday morning. And in the morning/afternoon we are inside, I will do a fun activity with Robert (and maybe Christopher, weather and activity depending!). This afternoon we will make biscuits. He really enjoys making them, and then seeing them cook through the oven door. And then of course eating them! :)

We made some a few weeks back.

Tomorrow morning will be playgroup, which S has come to in the past, but hasn't for a good few weeks now, so I'm not anticipating she'll go again, but even if she does, the hall is plenty big enough to ignore her. Then in the afternoon Jonathan should be home early, as he's been working up extra hours this week, and tried to head into work early the last couple of days. So we might go out somewhere, or maybe he'll do something fun with the boys while I have a well earned relax - maybe a bath!! ;)

This weekend we are seeing my dad and step-mum. I can't wait, they absolutely adore the boys, and Robert particularly has got to the age where he LOVES seeing his grandparents, and the lucky boy has THREE sets!! He adores talking to them on the phone, and sometimes even brings me the phone and says "Ubberd eek Dadad!" (Robert speak Grandad)

It would be lovely to go out somewhere with them where Robert can run around and we all get a bit of fresh air and exercise! Something I intend to get a lot more of. Healthy and fit by summer, ready to play with my two gorgeous boys!

5 months old!

2011-02-25T21:15:00.002Z

Christopher is five months old today. At this very moment, five months ago, I was just settling down to let Christopher perform the birth crawl! These last five months have just FLOWN by. He has grown and changed so much! And still such a happy little man!

Five months ago he weighed only 7lb 9oz, he was wrinkled, had the HUGEST frowny look ever, with such a huge crease on the bridge of his nose! But oh so perfect!

And today, he is a lovely cuddly happy little guy, with huge grins and big chuckles, already willing to flash his dimples at every opportunity! Such a curious little guy too!

He is trying to roll over - desperately! He has managed it from his front to his back several times. He wakes up from front sleeping, and will have flung himself onto his back and be bashing his hands on the cot mobile base unit, turning the music on! He has been trying with a vengeance the last few days to roll from back to front. He manages to get over half way, but can't quite get that last little bit!

I am also proud to say that he is still exclusively breastfed! Robert had his first tastes of food ridiculously (shamefully!) early, but then after some inevitable number 2s that went everywhere, I decided to wait until later before giving him more - later being around 5 months and 1 week. I am now much better educated on weaning matters than I was with Robert, I don't like to play the "ignorance" card, as I KNEW the recommended time was to wait til 6 months, but I didn't know the risks and dangers of introducing food early.

I will be waiting until at least 5 and a half months, but I am thinking that I will probably be stubborn and purposefully wait until 6 months even if he's showing me that he is ready before then just so I am in that 1% of women who exclusively breastfeed until 6 months! Either way he will not miss out at all, he loves his milkies, just like his big brother, and I SWEAR his face lights up when I get myself ready to feed him. :)

I am getting excited to start introducing real food though! Sooo excited! It's such a fun phase of a little person's life! Robert I'm sure will love it too, he keeps trying to feed Christopher food! I left Christopher in the bumbo, and Robert eating his sandwiches at his table for THIRTY SECONDS while I went and got a drink for Robert, to come back and find Robert crouched down next to Christopher holding a sandwich to his mouth! Arghh!

I am debating with myself what to give Christopher first. It's between banana, broccoli, carrot, or pear I think! (the two veg cooked of course!) Ohhhh so exciting! One month to go! I hope it goes quickly! :)

The things kids come out with!

2011-02-18T13:44:00.002Z

Oh what an amazing perspective children have on the world. I am finding the age Robert is right now absolutely fascinating, and sometimes so so funny! The things he is coming out with now have me in stitches!

The other day, he suddenly announced, while playing with his push along vehicles: "Eye enn-inn av at!!" (Fire engine have hat!) and went and got his (thankfully empty) cup from the table, turned it upside down, and put it over the fire engine's cabin! It was just the right size to sit nicely over the top! Then, pretending to speak as the fire engine, he said "deee doo, Ubberd" (thank you, Robert). So cute!

Then last night, Jonathan was putting Robert to bed, and he said "Now, go and say night night to Mummy, Robert." Robert came into the room, lifted his arms up for me to pick him up, hugged me and said "Marmite, Mummy!" haha!

And this morning, he suddenly announced "Bee up Ubberd nose!" Jonathan said "You've got a bee up your nose???!!" thinking he'd misunderstood him, or something, and Robert said "yeah!" then he sniffed with his nose, which being slightly bunged up, made a little vibrating noise. Then he went "Bzzzzzzzz!" and started laughing! I couldn't help but laugh too, and Christopher who was on my chest at the time, was shaking around on there lol, when I looked at him he was grinning away, evidently finding me laughing good fun :)

Ahhh I love my boys, I love that Robert is becoming chatty, it's wonderful to have these insights to his world and have these funny little conversations :)

Updates on the kiddies etc.

2011-02-08T09:38:00.002Z

Well it seems that next week we will be making our first big car trip with Christopher. My grandad died last week, he was in his 90s, suffering with dementia, along with trips in and out of hospital due to his unexplained falls and subsequent injuries. His funeral is next Wednesday, so we will be making the journey with Christopher to London to attend. We're hoping maybe to leave Robert with my in-laws. Christopher will be fine, either asleep, feeding, or happy looking around while having cuddles. And if for some reason he does get inconsolable, Jonathan can take him out.

Anyway...

Christopher is still 100% breastfed. By this point in time, Robert had already had mashed banana and baby rice, before we decided it'd be easier to keep him on BM for a while longer. Christopher has had nothing but milk, but he seems more than happy with that arrangement. Unlike Robert, who was given a bottle of expressed milk daily from around 5 weeks old, Christopher was given his first bottle maybe at 6 or 7 weeks old, and only one other bottle since then, both by his grandma. We tried him on a bottle of expressed a couple of weeks ago, while I was cooking, but he wasn't having any of it! For now, that arrangement suits me fine, I'm not desperate to give him a bottle, and I'm not desperate for a night out, or anything like that. Breastfeeding Christopher has gone like a dream. It really has! After the early struggles with Robert, I didn't think I'd be lucky to have an easy experience of breastfeeding right from the start. The main issues right now are sucking on fingers WHILE nursing (ouchhhh!) and him grabbing a handful of breast, and yanking it away from his mouth while still oh so very much latched on! (double ouch!)

He is becoming more needy as time goes on, he wants more and more attention understandably, and as such I am beginning to feel a bit more pulled in 3 directions (juggling Robert's needs, Christopher's increasing needs, and household needs - bare essentials such as washing up, laundry, and vacuuming once the floor is under a thin sheet of cat hair and crumbs!). He is still a very content baby generally though, and loves his play mat, both on his back and tummy time.

He has started to give us the biggest chuckles over the last few weeks, which is just so so cute! He laughs at a few things. Tickling his chest sometimes works, as does making funny noises to him, tickling his mouth and chin with a cloth, and also his grandad has made him laugh singing Ralph McTell songs :)

He is becoming more and more interested in his big brother, and loves watching his big brother playing. If Robert is doing a table top activity, I prop him up on the sofa looking over the arm so he can watch Robert.

That last photo was taken over 6 weeks ago now. I can hardly believe that my little boy is coming up for 5 months old already, he will turn 5 months on the 25th February!

His head control is very good now. He sleeps on his front, and has done since he was tiny, because he slept better like that. So when he wakes, he will lift his head up as high as it will go, and look around for a while! He gets plenty of tummy time! ;) We've started putting him in the door bouncer, and just like his big brother, he LOVES it! He really enjoys the feeling of the floor under his feet, and he gets such a look of excitement and glee on his face when he is in there!

I just love this little boy so much, he lights up my day, and even if I am tired from the early wake up calls, if I have the little man on my chest, and he looks straight into my eyes and BEAMS at me with that gorgeous dimpled grin of his, how can I not smile back? He is just so precious, and I am incredibly lucky to have him in my life.

Right now, he is on the cusp of rolling over. He is trying desperately to do it, he arches his back and looks up above his head, and rocks. He did at first roll over to his left, now I see him do it more to his right. I can't believe my baby boy is beginning to get mobile! I know it's still a way off crawling, but still, rolling! My baby! You cannot grow up, I forbid it! ;) I find myself excited yet a little sad with each new milestone my baby boy reaches. I know in my heart I can persuade Jonathan he wants a third, yet he is still quietly protesting expanding our family, and pointing out all the "bad" bits of having a baby, in an attempt to make me see that I really don't want another child, that 2 is enough, but it's not working sorry Jonathan! ;)

Right... Robert!

Robert is now 26 months old, or 2 years 2 months ;) He is learning more about his individuality every day, and learning new things all the time. My heart just squishes with love for him. He is now stringing together more and more complex sentences, although without words like "the", "a", "and" and so on. And all verbs in the present tense.

Yesterday I went out into the kitchen to start his dinner, he ran after me, calling loudly "Mama! Mama! Mamaaaa!" when I answered him, he sauntered into the kitchen with a huge grin on his face, and said "Robert do two trumps!" lol!

His pronounciation is still very baby-ish with the vast majority of consonant sounds at the beginning of words missed off, but more and more words are becoming recognisable (not just to us), and his vocabulary is really quite astounding! I really would not know where to start making a list on the words he knows, I would estimate in the hundreds.

He is also showing more and more understanding of our speech to him, and is clearly thinking more about what we are saying. We can ask him a series of questions with yes/no answers, and ask a few for which the answer is yes, then throw in one which isn't the case, for example we will ask him things like "is Robert wearing blue trousers?" "is teddy sitting on the table?" "is Mummy wearing glasses?" to which the answer is all "yes", and then throw in "is daddy wearing a hat?" which he wouldn't be, and he'd look at Jonathan, pause for a brief second, and then say "No!" in a funny lilting tone of voice.

He rarely asks to hold Christopher anymore. He prefers to show him his toys, and watch him, and sometimes when playing his favourite game (bringing a toy up, and speaking as the toy, saying hello to me) he will "make" Christopher say hello back. He used to do this by grabbing his head and wiggling it about as though he was talking (like he does with his toys) but I have since persuaded him a much better way is to wave his hand instead ;)

He has started to show a bit of toddler boistrousness lately too, in throwing and banging his toys. When we went over to the in-laws this weekend, he started doing it with the brick trolley there, banging it into the door purposefully, and I was SO impressed with how my mother-in-law handled it. She took the brick trolley away, and went into the hallway with it, Robert followed her, tugging at the trolley while screaming. Then she got down, and said to Robert something along the lines of "I am taking this away because you were banging it into the door. I don't want my door to get broken, but if you are careful with the trolley and do not bang it anymore, you can carry on playing with it." And when Robert whimpered "yeah" she gave it back to him, and he was SO careful with it bless him :)

I think it doesn't help that as Christopher is getting bigger and needing more attention, Robert isn't getting as much attention as he needs. It is something I am going to have to focus on presently, to make sure things don't get out of hand. Nip it in the bud so to speak. Something I do want to try and do is to start planning a proper activity with Robert every day, something for him to look forward to, something to keep his mind active. Tomorrow, I think we will make biscuits. He loves his playdough, so I'm sure he will love rolling out and cutting biscuits with his playdough cutters!

Sometimes I look at him and he seems so grown up and big, and when I think he's 2, part of me thinks that's really old (comparing it to his 4 month old baby brother!) and then I think actually that's still really little! When he is nursing he definitely appears on the older side, because I am more used to seeing a baby there! But I am still content to continue for the time being. Jonathan did ask me a while ago when I was planning on stopping feeding Robert. I didn't have an answer for him then, and still don't. As long as it feels "right" I suppose. He is still gaining from the closeness it provides, as am I. In some ways, I do see it as a healthy snack for him! Sometimes I panic and think "oh my goodness, I've not offered Robert some water all morning!!" and then realise that he's actually nursed twice in that time so he has had a drink! ;) Plus there is the more selfish weight-loss issue too. ;)

But anyway, back on topic, it's photos like this that make me realise just how little he still is.

I love them both so much it hurts sometimes. :)

How lucky am I?

2011-01-27T22:10:00.003Z

In my mind, I am a mother of 3-4 children. Jonathan however has said he only wants 2. I must admit, I do think I can persuade him to go for another, because if I didn't, I think I would have held on to Christopher's pregnancy more. Cherished it more. Not moaned despite the diabetes. I look at our two boys, and I love them more than anything, but to me, our family is not complete. I don't know whether it will be complete after a third, or a fourth child. I can't see myself with more than four children, but four definitely is a possibility.

If (when?) I persuade Jonathan that we should add to our family, I am thinking that we would start trying around April/May 2012, which would be when Christopher is about 18 months old. I don't know why a slightly longer age gap is in my mind, it just is. It is crazy, even now I think to myself how I'd love to be pregnant again. Although it is a wistful romanticised thought, I do not want another baby yet! Nor do I really want to possibly be dealing with morning sickness, and aching boobs, and so on, yet.

One thing I know I will most likely get asked a LOT if (when) we have a third child is "so, are you trying for a girl?" and I won't lie, a girl WOULD be nice. But if Christopher had been a girl, I would still have wanted another! Even if I am destined for a family of three or four boys, then so be it! I'm not one of those people who is going to get pregnant again and again to have that elusive gendered baby. I might decide, after having a fourth baby (if that's what we decide to have) that a fifth would be nice, but that would be regardless of the gender of the children we already have!

Robert went to a birthday party at the weekend. One of the mums was talking to my friend who's son was the birthday boy. "So, a boy and a girl, one of each, that's nice" said the mum. Like my friend was so lucky and blessed to have a son and a daughter. Like two sons, or two daughters were somehow less special. "Yeah it is" said my friend with a broad grin, holding her 4 month old baby girl. I was sat there, holding my second son to my breast, and thinking to myself how lucky I am to have two CHILDREN. How lucky I am that they are both such calm beings. How lucky I am to have been able to breastfeed them both. How lucky I am that despite my first son's difficult delivery he is safe and healthy. How lucky I am that despite my second son's more complicated pregnancy and induction of labour he too is safe and healthy. How lucky I am that I can re-use my first son's clothes. How lucky I am to be able to spend my days with two lovely little boys, and notice their differences and similarities all the more. How lucky I am that I will get to watch my two boys grow up to be best friends, and hopefully remain best friends forever. How lucky am I? Very lucky. Would I be more lucky if my second child had been a girl? No. Am I more lucky that he is a boy? No. I'm lucky to be a mum, full stop.

Here's just how lucky I am.

Projects.

2011-01-26T14:58:00.002Z

I'm sure I'm not the only one, but I feel a lot of the time that I NEED a project of some sort to work on. Yes I love being a mum, and doing things with the kids, but sometimes it can be a bit samey, the days and weeks roll into each other. A project helps keep time in perspective a bit I think.

The main project of the moment is of course my weight loss. Which has been going pretty great. With Robert's illness, he has lost a bit of weight, meaning that with my latest weight loss, I have now lost the equivalent of Robert's current weight myself, which is amazing when you lift a 2 year old and think "wow, I was carry around that much extra weight all the time 4 months ago!" I am almost halfway to my goal of 10 stone, which would put me at a BMI of 21.4ish. And to date since Christopher's birth I have dropped from a BMI of 31.5 to a BMI of 26.5. Setting myself new goals when I reach one really helps me keep my time and weight loss in perspective, and makes me feel proud of myself, as I am doing this by myself, and keeping motivated for the first time in a long time! The last time I tried losing weight before the boys were conceived, I went from around 203lb to 183lb before giving up. This time I have gone from 207lb to 175lb and am still going strong.

Another project I want to get underway is the house. If we can afford it! The house is a mess. We simply have not enough storage and I do need something to give me some housepride, it would be LOVELY to work on the house and actually do something with it! It is pretty much the same as when we bought it almost 3 years ago, but with some bookcases and a bit of extra furniture and a whole lot more clutter (and 2 extra kids!! lol!)

I think by working on 1 room at a time, things will get moving along great. And the first room I want to think about is the kitchen. We simply do NOT have enough storage in there. And what I would love is to remove the radiator from the kitchen (we don't use it!) and put either open shelves (sort of like a cabinet) or maybe with some glass doors on the front on the wall with the door. Extra storage, which would make everything easier to keep clean and clear. Maybe think about a lick of paint, or new flooring too. Then move to the downstairs loo, maybe put some shelves up in there, take out the towel rack and put a hook instead.

Then maybe look at the bathroom - new shower head and bath fitting needed desperately there, plus maybe boxing in the sink to add a little extra storage once more.

Then see from there, maybe do the boy's bedroom - lick of paint (maybe stay overnight at Jonathan's parents while the paint dries!!), new carpet, new permanent black out blind, curtains, etc. And then the living room after that. At some point we will be converting the garage, so we can move the study downstairs and have a third bedroom again, plus have a dining room (more room in the living room without the table there!).

It feels nice to plan. I'd like to buy a shelving unit/cabinet for the kitchen this weekend. Get this ball rolling!

Poorly Robert :(

2011-01-23T13:54:00.002Z

Well, Robert has picked up some kind of bug. Either from playgroup on Friday morning, or from the birthday party he attended yesterday afternoon. Last night at 11.30pm, he started screaming, we got him out of bed, and he promptly threw up all over the floor, and his clothes. One cleanup operation later (thankfully with Jonathan well enough to help unlike the last time Robert was sick), and we had a little boy back in bed.

Then around 12am, it happened again, this time in his bed. Bed change number 1. Then he threw up again at 1am-ish, then 2am-ish, then 3.30am, then 5am... 3 bed changes later, and 4 changes of clothes. He might have been sick again since then, I can't remember.

But then at 8ish, he woke, Jonathan brought him in, and put him on the bed. Poor little fella just flopped down on the bed and lay there. :( We asked him if he wanted to come up and lay under the covers and sleep in bed with us, and eventually he climbed up, but then saw my boobs, and settled down to have milky. He was on the breast for some time, and while still on the breast, proceeded to throw it all back up again (all over me, and our bed). He threw up a little more once I'd got him into the bathroom (standing by the bath so he could be sick into there) and he was SO distraught, shaking, crying, and kept saying "Go!" He was so upset each time he threw up in the night as well, but each time he threw up, and then cuddled me afterwards, he clung so tightly, I just wanted to cry alongside him.

He's not been sick since then, we figured he must have taken in too much milk for his stomach to cope with, so I've been letting him stay on for a 5 count after my milk lets down a little. He's been sleeping since 11.30 although he woke at 1.15 and I gave him a bit more milk. My poor baby :( Being a parent is so hard sometimes, not just because of the sleep deprivation thing you get at the start. I hope he gets better soon.

Drinking in pure love

2011-01-18T21:56:00.002Z

We were laid on my bed, just Christopher and me. His warm soft body still and snug against my body. He was coming up to bedtime, and was getting sleepy yet still alert and aware of everything. He took the breast willingly, and started suckling away. Every now and then our eyes would meet, and he would break into his beautiful grin, still with my breast in his mouth, as if to tell me that there was nowhere else he'd rather be.

My milk let down, and he started drinking in earnest, sucking and swallowing, and again, his eyes would lock into mine, still drinking, and I could feel then, as he nursed, that he was drinking pure love, my gift to my baby, and my gift to myself. Tears of joy burning my eyes, watching his eyelids grow heavy, I realise that I truly am a mother, and in that moment in time, laying there next to my sweet baby boy, there really is nothing else I'd rather be.

Not diabetic.

2011-01-15T09:33:00.002Z

Well I had my glucose tolerance test on the 21st December (while someone was in labour I believe? Hahaha!). I finally got the results back this morning in the post.

I had a normal fasting glucose level of 4.4, but a raised level of 8.5 after 2 hours, which is out of the diabetic range but does suggest impaired glucose tolerance, meaning I should try and adopt a healthier diet and lifestyle (ie, cut down on sugars and exercise more, and lose weight) to try and make sure I don't get diabetes later.

I have already lost 2 stone since Christopher was born, which puts me firmly into the overweight category (which is a breath of fresh air after being in the obese category for so long!). I want to lose almost 3 stone more to get to my ideal weight, and I am planning on getting there by my birthday this year which is in July. Meaning I have 6 months to lose just under 3 stone. This should be do-able as I have lost 2 stone in under 4 months. I have already dropped 2 (4?) dress sizes, from a size 20 to a size 16, and am aiming for a size 12 at least, or a generous size 10. I am trying to get out and about more often as well, to ease up the exercise. I think I am also going to try and have a look in a low carb cookbook I got for christmas, to try and cut down on the sugars even more, and therefore reduce the amount of insulin my body needs to make.

We shall see though. For now, my goal is to try and lose weight, and to gently up my exercise. I am glad I am not diabetic, even if it is more likely I will get it due to my impaired tolerance. We shall see.

Well baby clinic

2011-01-14T18:26:00.003Z

Well, Christopher got weighed yesterday. Which was 9 days later than the previous weigh in. In those 9 days he gained 11oz which is 2 ounces more than he gained during the previous 4 weeks. So he's almost back up to the 25th centile line again whereas he had dropped down to almost the 9th. I have added in a few extra feeds. Feeding him when he's not had one in an hour or two, but before he is starving. I have also started to give him the 2nd breast. 1 always seemed enough but I figured it couldn't harm to try. And well, it seems to have worked!

Little man has also started teething in earnest and seems quite troubled by them and in a lot of pain some of the time. :(

Good news is that Robert hasn't been sick since Wednesday dinner time, and Jonathan also went back to work today. Sooooo pleased! A sick partner seems to create a lot more work and stress than a sick child!

I've really been getting to wraps (hehe) with my ellaroo woven wrap. I think I've perfected the front carry. I really want to have a go at a back carry too! It's so comfy, and sooo pretty. :)

This photo was taken on Xmas day. It shows the prettiness but not the perfect tie. :)

The flu

2011-01-12T18:47:00.002Z

The flu and a sickness bug has hit our household. Jonathan was in bed for well over 3/4 of a day with flu symptoms, and Robert was ill last night (all over the bed and himself) and he was ill again during dinner although I didn't give him very much. He generally seems quite cheerful though, but I have stocked some clean bedding outside his room ready for incase he should be sick again. I would probably bet a tenner he will be sick in his bed again tonight.

Combined with C being very unsettled today, and checking on J from time to time, I feel very run down. I hope I'm not getting what either of them have. I really don't want to have to look after two poorly boys while being poorly myself. Although the fact that I am feeling run down today makes it more likely to become ill.

I have a "well baby clinic" appointment to attend with Christopher (and Robert) tomorrow morning. I am not looking forward to that. One, because of the illness. Two, because of Christopher's slow weight gain. I am comfortable in myself now that all is ok (thanks to your comments, Alice and Meg!), that he is generally a happy baby, and I KNOW he is getting plenty of milk, given that he still from time to time splutters on my fast let down, and even after he's finished, and I decide to see if I can get a drop or two of milk out, and it SQUIRTS about a metre across the room... I don't see there's any problem in that regards!

And if I so much as hear the W word (wean) I will tell them where to go. I made that mistake with Robert, I won't be making it again.

I wish I had some chocolate... I am very tempted to pull out that delicious chocolate cake recipe again and bake one. But then maybe having no chocolate in the house is a good thing, seeing as I gained 1lb this week.

I feel, I pause, I breathe

2011-01-09T21:20:00.005Z

At the end of the day, holding a tiny person up against my chest I hear him sucking his thumb. I feel his hand flop down, and his warm little body molding to the shape of mine. I stand up, walk to his room. Standing by his cot, I pause, bend my head slightly, and breathe in his gorgeous hair. I stand there for a few moments, and marvel, and thank, and smile. I place him down in his cot, without so much as a stir from him, and watch the rhythmic rising and falling of his chest. I cover him over with the blanket, and thank, marvel, and smile once more before leaving the room.

A day in the life of...

2011-01-07T22:27:00.002Z

I thought, for interest's sake, that I would post a day in the life of me kind of entry. Now these aren't always exactly the same, but it gives you an idea about my life as a mum I suppose.

4.30am-6.30am: Christopher wakes for his feed. Jonathan gets him out of the cot and puts him on my chest. I latch him on and roll onto my side to feed him. I usually doze, and once Christopher is either squirming with wind, or asleep, or does a poo, we get him up and either burp him then re-offer the breast, put him down in his cot, or change him then re-offer the breast. We all go back to sleep.

6.15-7am: Robert wakes up, usually with screams, or at least that's what we hear first most mornings. We try and settle him again if it's before 7am, but if he gets too distressed, he comes into us. He snuggles down against me on whichever side is usually more engorged, although he will usually get up after a while and demand the "uh-huh gah-gee" before clambering over and helping himself to the other side. Once he is finished he will become the toddler tornado, and either try and bounce on us, or just crash around in his room while playing with his toys. We tend to end up with cars/farm animals/books on our bed, on the floor next to our bed, under the covers, in our underwear drawers etc. It's somewhat of a treasure hunt to try and find them all to move them back into his room.
After a while, he will get bored of playing by himself, and begin yelling at the top of his lungs for "DADDY!! AY ARM!" (Daddy, play with the farm).

7.30-7.45am: Jonathan gets up to "ay arm" with Robert, while I doze or feed Christopher if he has woken up. Jonathan will brush Robert's teeth.

8.15am: One of us heads downstairs to make breakfast, while the other changes Robert's nappy and gets him dressed. Christopher is usually asleep, but if he's not, Robert usually goes downstairs with the breakfast maker to play. Christopher, if awake, gets his nappy changed and gets dressed.

8.30am-8.45am: We eat breakfast together at the table. Christopher in his bouncy chair if awake.

9am-9.15am: Jonathan heads off to work. I get Robert cleaned up, and go and take out and wash up the dishes, while Robert plays.

During the morning: I try and do any urgent jobs that need doing as and when I can, eg, loads of washing, hanging up said washing, putting away washing, along with tending to Christopher, playing with Robert, and maybe putting my feet up for half an hour. I must admit Robert does watch a fair amount of TV, although these days it tends to be DVDs (either Peppa Pig or Thomas the Tank Engine).

11.30am: I go and make Robert's lunch, and give it to him to eat at his table. I tend to wait because if he doesn't eat it all, I'll eat what's left of his (if it's in a state to do so!) and make myself something proportionally less while he naps, to save wastage.

12.15pm: I give Robert his 5/10 minute warning that it's nearly nap time, after which we head upstairs for his nap. I put him in his cot, tuck him in, then proceed to listen to train/cow/whatever other noises for half an hour. If I time it well, then I get Christopher down for his nap shortly before I take Robert upstairs, and he sleeps past when Robert wakes if he's particularly tired.
During Robert's nap, I class this as ME time, unless of course C is awake. I play on my computer, or watch TV, eat lunch, take a shower, etc. If I'm really behind on the essential housework I'll do that.

1.45-3pm: Robert wakes from his nap (although this depends on when he goes to sleep, sometimes he'll be awake in his cot for an hour before going to sleep!! If he's happy I leave him to it!). We go downstairs, I make him a snack and a drink, and we play til Christopher wakes up. During the day when I feed Christopher, Robert will usually climb up too and ask for milk, but he's taken to asking quite often throughout the day anyway now, regardless on whether Christopher is even downstairs or not.

4.45-5pm: I go make (or reheat from the freezer) Robert's dinner. He eats it either at his little table if he sits well, or at the big table on his booster chair if he doesn't. After his dinner (he will usually eat most of a full child's plate of food, followed by a pudding of yoghurt and fruit afterwards), he will play until 6.30-7pm, when I take him upstairs for his bath.

7pm: he's in his bath by now, we play, wash hair and face after what's usually quite a messy dinner (especially if it's spag bol, he loves this and shovels it into his mouth with his hand absolutely full of it, too much to go into his mouth properly and ends up smeared around his face)

7.30pm: Jonathan is back by now, he comes in, and Robert hears his keys clank on the table downstairs. "ooooh! Dadda!" he will exclaim, and if he's in the bath he will lean over the edge of the bath to see him. :) Robert gets out of the bath (usually to protests), dry, and nappy on, gets changed, teeth brushed, and story read, before we pick him up for a "big hug" and a "big kiss", then Jonathan tucks him in, sings him some songs (usually Grand Old Duke of York and Twinkle Twinkle, but occasionally others too), then close the door. Robert is 9.5 times out of ten down for the night then.

The rest of the evening is spent with us eating our dinner, feeding and playing with Christopher, then getting him to sleep, and relaxing.

I can see why...

2011-01-04T22:45:00.002Z

I can see why some women who aren't confident in breastfeeding can get pressured into thinking their milk isn't good enough sometimes.

This morning, I went to the baby stay and play with Christopher, while Robert spent the morning as usual with his grandparents. The Surestart ladies put the scales out, and I weighed Christopher on them for the first time since he was about 10 weeks old. Four weeks ago he weighed 12lb with his nappy and vest on. This morning, I was somewhat disheartened to find that he weighed just 12lb 9oz, so a gain of a little more than 9oz in 4 weeks. I am sure that if it had been the health visitor who had weighed him, there would be questions regarding the quality/quantity of my milk.

Now, I know that Christopher is a different baby to Robert, who, from the age of 2 weeks, climbed steadily on the 50th centile line til gone 1 year, and he is now 75th+. Christopher went from 25th at 2 weeks, to 50th at 5 weeks, back down to 25th at 10 weeks, now he's under the 25th (half way between the lines) at 14 weeks. He is getting plenty of wet nappies... not so many pooey ones. He saves all his poos for a day or two each week spaced fairly evenly. Before I had him weighed I simply thought maybe he was processing his milk fairly efficiently. Now I am wondering if, despite tandem feeding and therefore having plenty of milk, am I doing something wrong? Am I letting C sleep too much? Am I letting Robert have too much milk (or too soon - before Christopher is due a feed)? Am I not getting enough hindmilk into Christopher?

After he went to sleep at 4pm-ish, I woke him up after I had run Robert's bath, around 7pm. Fed him while Robert sat in the bath, then put him in the bath too. Then after his bath, I fed him again as he was wrapped in the towel. And then he fed again after he was dressed.

Am I being too paranoid? Or should I try and make sure that Christopher always has first dibs - let him have his fill of one breast and then put him on the other, and let Robert go on Christopher's first? I tend to just let Robert climb up and help himself to the other one when C starts to feed.

At what point should I start to worry and re-think my feeding routines?

Parenting

2010-12-28T22:59:00.002Z

Something I have been trying to do as Robert gets older, and more "himself", with his own views and wishes and wants, and the challenges that brings, is to try and parent him in a way that first and foremost keeps the following in mind with everything I do. To teach by example. I will say outright that I do not always manage to do the following, but I do try, and attempt to keep it in mind for the next time. If I want him to learn not to shout indoors, I try and not to shout at him. If I want him to learn not to snatch something from another child (or an adult), and to ask first, I try to ask him if I can have something, and not to take it off him. If I want to teach him to say please and thank you, I say please and thank you appropriately to him.

It is all too easy sometimes to see yourself as a person in authority, who does not need to treat his underlings with the respect he wants to receive himself. And I find myself falling into that trap too sometimes. I perhaps find myself thinking "I am the parent, and you WILL give me that now" and snatch something out of Robert's hands.

Something I am better at, and remember most times, is to say please and thank you to Robert. I remember my parents reminding me all the time "say please!" "say thank you!" And it's something that is hard to refrain from, you want your child to be polite and to be seen to be polite. And perhaps sometimes it's easy to think "if I don't tell my child when to say please and thank you, they will never learn when to say them".

I have rarely asked Robert to say please and thank you, at least not in the kind of way that has the added bit of guilt laden in to the request. I don't force him to repeat a "please" or a "thank you". Instead, whenever I ask for anything from him, I say please, whenever he gives me something, or does something I ask, I say thank you. And if he wants something, and says for example "boat, mummy!" I will say back to him "You would like the boat? Boat please, mummy!" and sometimes he will repeat "boat please mummy", sometimes he won't, but I will give him the boat, and praise him if he did say please.

He is now spontaneously saying please and thank you appropriately some of the time, without us telling him to say it, or modelling to him at the time. And it makes my heart swell every time he says "dee doo Mummy" after I've given him something, or done something for him. He is still little, and when he doesn't say please or thank you, he is not being rude, he's just being a toddler, who is still learning about life.

As the months roll on since Christopher was born, Robert is gradually learning about sharing too. Christopher is of course too young to be annoyed or upset if Robert takes something away from him, but Robert, seeing me hold a rattle in front of Christopher, immediately wants to play with it himself, he comes up and tries to take it off of me. I have been asking him calmly (while holding onto the toy tightly) when he does this, to "please not snatch, why don't you find a toy you want to play with?" and make a suggestion. And he is now beginning to let go with minimum fuss to find a different toy.

As the years go on, I'm sure my parenting issues will be much more difficult ones than snatching and manners, but so far I'm pleased that I have slipped into a way of parenting that seems to meet my ideals and work. Even if I don't always manage to do it right, it's an ongoing battle sometimes to let go of the ways of parenting that are familiar to you (ie, that you were brought up with), and to go with how you feel inside.

My two boys give me so much joy and laughter. Robert, while he is becoming his own little person, and gaining awareness of himself and his wants and needs, and learning to express them, is so cheeky and adorable with it. He comes up with little phrases that are so cute and funny. If Jonathan goes to do something that Robert doesn't want him to do (for example, gets up to go and get something and stop playing with him), Robert will say "oh, NO, Daddy..." with such a reproachful tone of voice!

I love that little guy so much, I find myself missing him when he's in bed asleep in the evening, and thinking how I can't WAIT to see him in the morning!

This is him before his haircut.

And then just before Christmas I gave him a haircut as it was getting rather long! I got the clippers out, boy it took a long time to get through all that hair!

Such a grown up little boy :)

And his baby brother, who is so happy, gives me the biggest smiles and the most gorgeous coos.

My two gorgeous cheeky little boys, how I love them so!

Not really about the kids

2010-12-24T14:10:00.002Z

Today is Christmas Eve. And I spent about 45 minutes of it in the dentists. One of my wisdom teeth has infected the gum, and was in such bad pain I spent several days popping ibuprofen (1 every 4-5 hours or so). Now I have a course of anti-biotics, and hopefully, that will help clear it up. I also got a bottle of Corsodyl recommended by the dentist.

This afternoon is going to be spent printing photos, framing photos, making flapjack, and wrapping, ready for tomorrow. We are seeing Jonathan's parents tomorrow, although we saw them briefly today while we were sorting out the dentist, and taking back a toy to be replaced that was faulty.

This morning Robert woke up crying, to which our neighbours responded by yelling profanities through the wall at him. I was fuming, and still am annoyed having cooled down (and listened to some advice from much cooler headed people than myself!) that even if it was a "snap" from many mornings being woken, still why didn't they come and talk to us?? Argh! I thought they both worked nightshifts!

Anyway I should really get on and do some tidying/washing up/laundry/whatever while the boys are napping. Jonathan has gone out to buy a new printer because our old one is conking out.. which will probably mean even longer getting photos printed etc. What a stress Christmas is!

Robert's 2nd birthday

2010-12-18T19:35:00.004Z

Well, it's a tad late... *ahem* almost 4 weeks late! Robert's 2nd birthday came in 2 parts. He saw his grandparents (my dad and step-mum) on the Sunday before his birthday, and also my brother and sister-in-law, and my nephew. He was fairly spoilt, got lots of cards, presents, attention, etc.

My dad and step-mum arrived in the morning, and he enjoyed opening his presents (and was much more adept this time!)

Around lunchtime, my brother,sister-in-law and nephew arrived. They live a fair drive away, but they visited one of my sister-in-law's friends the day before and stayed overnight in a hotel. My nephew Ewan is 1 year older than Robert, and when it comes to birthdays, it seems that this isn't the best of age gaps!! While Ewan this year was calmer than he was last year, Robert didn't want Ewan to play with his toys! Stephen and Nicky bought Robert a train set (compatible with the one we got from tesco before), and both boys wanted to play with the trains.

Robert got very upset though when Ewan wanted to drive a train on the track Robert was playing with! It was a verrrry stressful afternoon with this basically going on all afternoon, and Robert was in tears for most of it :(

The cake (recipe grabbed from Alice - thanks Alice!) was lovely, and Robert was in awe by it (probably the size! lol!) and knew exactly what to do, as he watched his Daddy blowing out his birthday candles only a month before!

The cake ended up with a mushroom top, as it was a LOT of mixture, and I didn't think to trim it!! But so yummy.

Again, I found myself with tears pricking my eyes as I took the cake in to Robert, am I the only one who does this? I expected it with his first birthday but not with his second! He seemed to like his cake, I cut him a slice, it was thin, but still quite big for the boys, but ah well, if he can't eat a big slice of cake for his birthday, when can he? :) The cake did about 20 slices in the end!

He didn't have a nap that day, he was so worked up and excited, we didn't bother as we could just tell it'd all end up in tears. And boy, by the end of the day he was SO tired!

The next day he was much happier, he spent the whole morning (maybe even the whole day, I can't remember!) playing with his new trainset. He loved it!

He really loves his new trains, and thus began his huge obsession with trains! I would have loved to make him a train cake but I just wasn't confident enough in my train-cake-making abilities! lol! He got a few train cards which he loved driving along the floor!

On the morning of his birthday, he came downstairs to this:

He made lots of appropriate "oooh!"s and "wow!"s as he came down the stairs and saw it. The smallest present was a tub of playdough cutters, with some playdough in as well, and a rolling pin. The medium size present was a toy garage for matchbox cars (which I had spent about 20 minutes building on Sunday night, and wrapped Monday night), and the largest one is of course a trampoline. We don't have much room in the living room, so it stayed downstairs for a few days, and then went upstairs in his bedroom (which has a little bit of room, but eventually I think it'll have to go in the garden/garage, depending on the season! Especially when we move Christopher into Robert's room)

Later in the morning, we decided to take Robert out, there was a soft play attached to a restaurant, and we thought we'd go there, and then have lunch. We'd been watching the morning viewings on Cbeebies for the birthday cards, but it hadn't been on. Jonathan set up his computer to record the card viewings incase his was shown while we were out, and it was! I got a text as we sat down to eat lunch from my friend Sarah saying "We saw Robert on TV! He's famous!" lol! He enjoyed the soft play, but it being Tuesday morning during term time, we were the only ones there! Jonathan got to go in with Robert, which was probably just as well, because Robert seemed quite overwhelmed by it all (but did enjoy it, especially their ride-on Thomas the Tank Engine! Which we didn't put money in, we wouldn't have got him off of it otherwise! We let him sit in it as much as he wanted though lol)

The Saturday after we went to see Jonathan's friend, and their daughter, who turned 2 a week and a half after Robert did. They played much nicer together than Robert and Ewan did, although there were a few tears again, but not nearly as many! They enjoyed playing together, especially when they got running around the sofa (this is one of Robert's favourite past times! When I take him to a playgroup on Friday mornings which is in a big hall, he plays well for most of the morning, but usually within the last half an hour, he instigates a game of running around the hall, which usually attracts at least 3 other children to join him!!)

They brought him a tub of Potato Heads. He was absolutely fascinated by them!

And he also got a farm with some animals, from Jonathan's parents. He LOVES his farm animals, and says to me at LEAST twice a day "Mama, ay arm!" ("Mummy, play farm!"), and brings me his day-dee oop (baby sheep!) and will sit and make all the noises. He likes to let his sheep eat his breakfast (if we let him bring them up to the table!), and the sheep will often get its nose covered in marmite! :)

So yes, my biggest boy was thoroughly spoilt for his birthday! But he loves his new toys and it's so lovely seeing him enjoy them all!

Another quick photo of Christopher, he is now 12 weeks old, but here he is at 9 weeks old, shortly after I dropped the shower head on his face :( Quick call to the NHS Direct made me feel better, and it cleared up completely about 2 weeks after I did it.

He's so lovely and scrummy, I can sometimes hardly stop myself from kissing him!

Comparisons

2010-12-11T09:58:00.003Z

I remember, when Robert was tiny, probably around the age Christopher is now, maybe even older, getting frustrated with him. He would be laying screaming on my lap, and I remember saying to him, while unclipping my bra "it's coming! Don't you know that when Mummy undoes her bra it means you're going to get fed soon??!!"

I've not had this with Christopher. It does make me wonder... was Robert a more needy baby? Or did I just miss his cues, or did I put off feeding him until he was screaming, because in the evening he latched lazily? I remember also thinking, how occasionally it was easier to get him latched on when he was screaming, because he then had a nice wide open mouth. Was Robert a more difficult baby? Or was I just less experienced? Or was my post-natal depression making him more needy, as I was less in tuned with him, and he was picking up on my frustrations/disinterest?

Christopher is such a settled baby. He is so smiley, and has even perfected smiling while ON the boob as well! Everything just seems so different this time round. Christopher is happy, and I am happy. I've had a few frustrated moments, which were always sleep-related. I think back to what I did with Robert in my frustration, and it seems so far away from where I am now. I could not even *imagine* being so frustrated with Christopher that I drop him onto the bed. I feel so incredibly guilty when I think about how I was with Robert when he was a tiny baby. Especially when I think about how close we came to losing him.

Now, I strive to be a loving parent to both my sons, but paying special care to do so with Robert, almost as if I am trying to make it up to him. To be the mother I should have been in his first few months. I do still make mistakes, and yell when I shouldn't. But these times are quite few and far between. If there is anything that returns me to base, to make me look at Robert in a fresh way when he has been difficult, it's saying yes when he asks for "Gah-gee eeeze" I look down at him, and he is (sometimes!) still, and calm. His head resting on my lap, his legs curled up towards his body laying on the sofa. He is getting to be such a big boy now, in terms of size, but inside he is still a little boy, and needs comfort and reassurance sometimes. I had to wake him up from his nap a couple of weeks ago. He was still desperately tired, but we had an appointment we needed to make. I woke him half an hour before this appointment, and he was hysterical. My in-laws were around, and nothing would comfort him, and then he came up to me, and between sobs, asked for milk. I knew my in-laws would find watching him nurse uncomfortable, but right then and there, my son's needs were infinitely more important. My in-laws would understand, but if I refused Robert, he would not. He was still nursing 10 minutes before the appointment, and it would take 5 minutes to get down there, and then also he needed to get ready. I told Robert, as he was still nursing, that soon, Mummy and Grandad were going to go out in the snow, and would Robert like to come out in the snow too? Robert looked up at me, already a lot calmer, and said "yeah" So I said to him that when he was ready to finish nursing, he could go and get his shoes so we could go out in the snow, and immediately he got down and went and got his shoes. I knew that if I had "told" him that he "needed" to get down right away and get his shoes, we would have had more hysterics. We ended up being 5 minutes late for the appointment in the end, but it would have been even later had I handled it all differently.

I have learnt a lot in just 2 years of motherhood. I am more patient, and I have learnt that sometimes, the quickest way to get something done is to go about it the slower way. That sometimes, you need to prioritise one thing over another, and that your child is always number 1. I thought that I would remain too selfish to become a good mother. But very quickly, all you care about, no matter how selfish you once were, is the health and happiness of your child. Even if it means you go without. You do it in a heartbeat.

I have a lot of guilt in my heart about Robert's early months (and indeed just a few days ago, when early weaning came to the forefront of my mind, what with friends and their babies, etc, I looked back and discovered to my horror that I gave Robert banana at not 16/17 weeks like I thought, and was already horrified at *that* thought, but 13 weeks! Again, something I have learnt, that as the parent, YOU know best, and not to bow to pressure to start feeding your child things you don't want them to have. Christopher will not have any other food apart from my milk until 6 months of age). But the only way is forward, and I can't undo the past but I can do things better for my children in the future. I am so much more confident in my abilities as a mother, and it is all so much more like second nature this time around.

2 and a half months

2010-12-07T22:33:00.003Z

Part of me can't believe that Christopher is already two and a half months old. He is, most of the time, a very happy and responsive baby! I say most of the time, because the last couple of days he has become a little fussy at the breast, straight away rather than after a while which would otherwise indicate wind as the problem. What the problem is this time I don't know. I will keep plugging on, hopefully it will resolve itself soon.

When he is not being fussy at the breast, he is either asleep, or sitting in his bouncy chair, or on someone, looking around at the world with interest, his eyes practically boggling at everything! He LOVES getting undivided attention of course, and rewards whoever is giving him their attention with huge smiles and coos, often he will do this for as long as 10-15 minutes! He hasn't yet done a true laugh, although sometimes it looks and sounds like he is trying, he will be smiling, and make a rather breathy sounding coo, usually when we stick our tongues out at him, or make an "ooooh" face!

His neck control seems quite good compared to Robert at his age. I suspect this is because he gets a lot more practise, as we lay Christopher on his tummy to sleep, and when he wakes up, he will lift his head to look around.

He also sleeps very well in his cot. We try to make the effort sometimes to put him down while still awake, but we try not to let him get distressed. If he gets distressed we will go and get him, but we are for now simply trying to get him used to falling asleep on his own in the gentlest of ways, at an early age. So hopefully we can do the "hard" work now and hopefully avoid doing any sort of CIO. He has lately been finding his own thumb while laying in his cot, which means he often soothes himself back to sleep again during his naps!

Robert is, as ever, a lovely big brother. If Christopher is in his bouncy chair, and starts to cry, Robert will say "ohhhh..." in a sad tone, go over to him and stroke his tummy. He is so gentle! He loves "Brooo-ah" and will often go and sit near him and just watch him for a while!

Three word sentences are now commonplace to hear from Robert, including "Mama, dand up!" (Mummy, stand up!) and "Dada, ay cars!" (Daddy, play cars - often this is called out several times first thing in the morning when Robert is playing in his bedroom with his cars and wants Daddy to get up and play too! Daddy is not usually impressed! lol!)

His most adorable phrases though have got to be when he comes and gives us a hug, he will say "Gig ugg", and then he will usually give us a kiss, and say "Gig isss" (Big hug, big kiss).

Tonight, he ran into his bedroom after Jonathan had read him a story, and came out saying "eeed kie-l-yah gook!" a few times, and came up to me with his new finger puppet "hungry caterpillar" book. ("read caterpillar book")

When he is in the bath, he likes to help rub the shampoo into his hair. He'll then look at his soapy hands and say "ooop!" Then put them in the water to wash the soap off, he then looks again and says "no ooop!" And then, rubbing his hands on his hair again, he says "more ooop!" My little boy is so adorable!

I wish I had photos to add to this entry, but Jonathan's running a bit behind on getting them uploaded, the last ones I think were when Christopher was 7 weeks old. But there are lots more videos being caught up on, and in fact here's one! I made a card to be shown on Cbeebies, and it was the first one shown on the lunchtime read-out! :)

My little boys are growing up so fast, but ohhh it's lovely to have a tiny baby again! Although not really so tiny anymore, he weighed in at 12lb this morning, in his vest and nappy. Only 3 more and he will have doubled his birth weight! He is just so precious, I am so enjoying being his mummy and finding out all about him! I can't wait to see how his relationship with his big brother develops!

My big boy is now 2!

2010-11-24T22:05:00.002Z

I can't believe I now have a 2-year-old. Although he is only a couple of days older than he was before he was 2, just knowing that he's reached that milestone makes him seem older in my eyes somehow. He is so grown up, and I know I keep saying it lately, but him talking more and more, which somehow wonderfully co-inciding with his second birthday, makes him even more so!

Every single day lately I am marvelling at his speech, his confidence, and his joy that I am understanding more of what he is trying to get across. Even in these last few days some of his pronounciations have become clearer and more like the words they are meant to be. "Please" has, since he started saying it, been pronounced "izz" and usually repeated several times, so "izzzizzzizizz". Today, when he asked for milky, or tv, suffixed with "please" it has been "ease". He is now regularly joining several words together to say what he is thinking about, seeing, doing or wants. "Mama eat oooma" was one of the things I heard today, meaning "Mummy eat satsuma".

His new verbalising is providing me with lovely and amusing insights to his world, finally getting a clue what he is thinking about while he is playing with things. This morning, he was walking around upstairs with a dustpan he found, touching it to the floor several times, and saying "gig, gig, gig, gig" meaning "dig dig dig dig" so he was either using it like a spade, or pretending to be a digger!

I really would rather do a big birthday post once Jonathan has uploaded all the photos from Robert's birthday, but while we're on the subject of Robert's talking, I'll mention that he got several train birthday cards. Robert is VERY into trains right now, and I would have attempted a train cake had I been braver ;) One of the cards he got was a HUGE train card, which was the shape of a train, and while yesterday he was infinitely more interested in his presents, today, he enjoyed playing with his cards, especially this large train card. He was telling me regularly about his "igg ain gard" (big train card), and enjoyed driving it along the floor, bouncing it on his new trampoline, and opening it like a "gook" :)

It is all so sweet!

He is also so comfortable with Christopher, and has accepted him so thoroughly and wonderfully. He is such a lovely big brother! For the most part, Robert will play by himself and not notice Christopher or interact with him, but occasionally he will ask for him, and want to cuddle him, or show him a toy, or if he cries in his bouncer, Robert will go up to him and rock it, or start talking to him. Today I was holding Christopher on my knees while I was sat on the floor, and kissing his cheeks. Christopher was obviously hungry, as he latched himself onto my lower lip and began sucking away. Robert saw this, came up to me saying "Broo-ah iss" (Christopher kiss) gave me a kiss, and then gave Christopher a kiss, and then wanted Christopher to "kiss" me again!

I sat down to feed Christopher, and Robert clambered up next to me to nurse as well. I'm so pleased that he is still enjoying nursing, I think it has really helped him to bond with Christopher, and accept him, and I know there are a lot of people out there that think that nursing a child past the age of one is a selfish act on behalf of the mother (women force their toddlers into nursing afterall, way beyond the time a child actually wants to nurse.. *rolls eyes*), and in some respects there probably are selfish reasons for me continuing to nurse Robert. One being that it makes my life easier, with regards to settling Christopher into our family, the ease of not changing things. Another being that it will probably be helping my weight loss (1 stone down since Christopher's birth so far!). And probably the one most people think of that mums continue to breastfeed, I enjoy the closeness and the cuddles. Robert is now so independant, even if he hurts himself and needs comforting, he rarely actually gets comforted by cuddles. Sometimes the only way to calm him down is to distract him and get him playing again. Nursing is one time he willingly comes up to me, lays down with me, and we get that physical closeness and quiet time.

It's been 2 years today that I first breastfed Robert. I think in some way Robert's birthday will always be a little bittersweet for me because it will bring back memories of what happened, and remembering that I didn't actually hold him properly until he was over half a day old. It's one of those things that will be around forever, I just hope it won't taint the day for me. One day I will hopefully find peace in it all, that it was just the way my little boy was destined to come into the world, maybe to make us appreciate him all the more, to make us more thankful each day for him. The "what ifs" in the first day swallowed me up. Now, the what ifs make me feel worse when I actually think them, knowing who Robert has become, and what we would have missed out on. But at the same time so thankful that if that was the way things were meant to be, we were still meant to be his parents, meant to bring him up, and he is here with us, delighting us each day. Maybe the key to acceptance is just acknowledging that things happen the way they happen, everything is for a reason. Maybe Robert's birth happened that way to show us how strong he is, how special, and to help us appreciate him all the more. And to prove to us each year that his birthday is an amazing reason to celebrate, not to get swallowed up in the "what ifs".

So excited!

2010-11-21T21:55:00.003Z

My biggest boy turns TWO on Tuesday. I am so excited, but so sad that he is growing up so quickly. These past two years have been the best of my life, and also the hardest. I love everything about him, and what he has helped me to become.

Before I became a mother, I was selfish, I was lazy, I had no real purpose or drive. I'm still a little lazy, but I am a lot less selfish, and I have the best reason to get out of bed now in the world! I love my cheeky monkey so much, I find it hard to describe. He sometimes does things I don't like (what toddler doesn't?), and I sometimes find it frustrating or exasperating, but it doesn't make me love him less, in an odd way, when I think about it, it makes me love him more! Maybe not RIGHT at that moment in time, but overall, it does!

I think about him, and realise how lucky I am to be his Mummy. Not least because he is such a gentle, kind little boy, he takes things on board very quickly, and I think this can't be all parenting (I feel like it would be arrogant for me to assume responsibility for him generally being a charming little boy, I think he was just born this way, although hopefully Jonathan and I have nurtured it a little!), because sometimes it just seems like he "knows" what to do. Am I being lulled into a false sense of security? Have the terrible twos not set in properly yet? He certainly does paddy a bit when he doesn't get his own way, if he takes a toy from another child and we make him give it back for example. I guess though I just think of such behaviour as normal for a child of his age, and try not to make a big deal of it, or let it define him as the child who "always takes toys off other children", or get frustrated with him for doing so.

Anyway I've got side tracked a little.

His speech just goes from strength to strength lately. It's not uncommon to hear him say things like "Dada eed gook" (Daddy, read book), or "Gah-gee izz" (Milky please) or "More ick Mama" (more drink, Mummy). Yesterday we were driving past some large buildings, one of which had a taller section on one end, and from the back seat, we heard a gasp, then a little voice piping up "Oooooh! Gig bow-ah!" (Oooh, big tower!) He can tell us if something is red, blue, green, black, and occasionally yellow or pink. He's not so sure on orange or purple. He now requests songs and sings along with us! "dee-goh dee-goh eeee dar" being one of them - guess the song, you win a virtual pat on the back if you get it right! He joins in the actions to "wind a bobbin up" (so cute!) and the wheels on the bus, and likes making a diamond shape with his fingers during the whole of twinkle twinkle. Him learning to speak, and his rapid development is just astounding, and is one of the things that more than anything else, has made him seem to have grown up loads in such a short space of time. Because he was walking at 9 months, still a baby!! Walking didn't seem like such a big boy thing to do, but talking, wow, definitely seems like he's grown up so much now!

I can't wait for Tuesday, when he turns 2 properly, although we've had a small birthday celebration already today for him with my dad and step-mum, brother, sister-in-law and 3 year old nephew. I felt a tear prick the corner of my eye again as I took in his cake and sang happy birthday to him, which I was not expecting to happen! I can't wait til he sees his presents on Tuesday! We've bought him a trampoline (he's started BOUNCING on the bed and sofas!), a wooden garage for his matchbox cars, and some playdough cutters and a rolling pin.

How I love my BIG little man!

Christopher is 7 weeks old!

2010-11-13T12:24:00.003Z

Can you believe it? 7 weeks ago I was in hospital, having been induced, and waiting for things to kick in. It's amazing how fast time flies when you've got a newborn, compared to how slowly they drag in the last weeks of pregnancy. It's strange though, I look at Christopher, and drink in his expressions, typical newborn jerky movements, and find myself transported back almost 2 years to the last time I had a tiny baby. And marvel in how I am back there again, and yet, how long ago those 2 years seem. I find it hard to remember Robert as even a year old, and still very slightly doddery on those little legs of his.

His confidence in the last year in every respect has grown massively. He now climbs, jumps, runs around in circles with no fear whatsoever, which for the most part is ok but when he is running in circles very fast, having done so for 2 minutes already, and getting dizzier and dizzier and closer to that wall or table each time, gives me a heart attack!

His confidence and ability in speaking too has grown immensely in even the last WEEK! He now will copy words we tell him, especially when given a choice, to communicate his prefered activity. "Do you want to sleep, or play?" I asked him yesterday when he woke from his nap and he was still groggy and a little tearful. "Day." he said.

His words ARE still very babyish, in that most aren't prounounced correctly unless they begin with "d" "g" or "m". And even then not always ;) His new favourite activity is "dee-doh" (playdough), which he keeps trying to eat. "Erd eat dee-doh!" (Robert eat playdough)

He remembers an awful lot of words now as well which he comes out with spontaneously even long after we told him. He found a "gon-kah" under the table, and brandished it at me, which made me realise that I really SHOULD get around to finding all the conkers we collected a week or two after Christopher's birth and binning them!

And here he is examining the stalk on his apple "Dalk!"

He is just so adorable, and I feel sad and yet excited about his new leap in language development, as it's the end of another chapter in Robert's life, and the start of a new one, where he becomes even less of a baby and more of a little boy. But oh my goodness, how lovely that he is talking, and I can see that the more he learns to say, the less frustrated he becomes. And now is the time when I can really start putting the strategies in "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, Children Are From Heaven" to use. Although I will need to read it again, as I've forgotten some points!

As for the tiny boy, he was weighed on 3rd November (I don't think I remembered to say in the last post, how much he weighed. He weighed a stonking 10lb 5oz last Wednesday! Which saw him gain almost 3lb in 4 weeks, and shoot up from the 25th to the 50th centile! Absolutely thrilled with that weight gain, and so so thrilled that it's me that's growing him still! That's one of the best things about breastfeeding I think, when it goes well, is seeing them thrive on what me, his mother, is providing him.

This photo makes my heart melt. What is it about a baby's soft hair that turns me into a puddle of mush?

Last night he slept from about 9.15pm til 3.45am. Usually he seems to have an internal alarm clock which goes off around 2am for a feed, followed by one at 6am, but it was great he went so long, and hopefully we can push it forwards by an hour so he sleeps til 5am or nearer that! My feeds in the middle of the night are usually with very full breasts, and therefore the poor little fella, when he triggers a let down, pulls off spluttering of course, and in the middle of the night I don't worry so much about where the milk goes, it must just go everywhere, but I can't be bothered to worry! Even though it does mean that Christopher isn't as settled for feeds as Robert was, I am so grateful that I have such a good supply, as it means I don't worry about whether he's getting enough!

Something I intend to do this time round is treasure each and every moment with Christopher, not wish him onto the next new thing, because I know that before long it will be gone, and he'll be all grown up. It's taken me this long to realise I should treasure each moment with Robert, now he's starting to talk, he has truly become a little boy now and his babyhood seems to be an eon ago.

Robert's 2 year checkup.

2010-11-05T12:59:00.004Z

Well, both doctors we've seen with Robert since his birth was in... and by some fluke, we got to see the woman doctor who we can actually understand! Woop! She hadn't seen him since he was 6 months old, and she noticed the "new addition" and said "I hope he had a better entrance than Robert?" or words to that effect lol. She asked if we had any concerns, and we mentioned his pronounciation on words, and mentioned that the other doctor kept thinking his hearing was impared and his speech was abnormally slow, anyway, she was very pleased with Robert, and could tell he had progressed since he was last seen, and was confident he would continue to do so (as are we, I might add), and following observing him with the toys they keep in the room for the children to play with she said he was doing everything she would expect a 2 year old to be doing, and that even though his speech isn't as good as some 2 year olds', he is in the normal range! (Which I know many of you have already told me, but why didn't that other doctor?? Grrr!) And she said what I have thought as well, that with his pronounciation, that will gradually get better with correct modelling. Anyway, she's discharged him, so we don't need to do hearing tests, or speech therapy, or anything, but she said to keep an eye on him and see how he is in a year's time, and if we still have concerns, to speak to the health visitor who can make a referral. But if he does continue to progress as he does it shouldn't be a problem. :)

Robert loves his baby brother so much. He constantly wants to cuddle him, and gets very annoyed with us if we tell him no (for example if he's sleeping and we don't want to disturb him). He loves cuddling Christopher (who he calls "Brooo-ah" - I'm thinking this is his word for brother, either that or Christopher. I can't be sure, I know it sounds more like brother, but then some of the words he uses sound nothing like what they should be if you know what I mean!

Christopher is now 6 weeks old (well, as of tomorrow) and he has been smiling for a few weeks now. They are quite few and far between at the moment, but boy, do they melt my heart when he graces us with one :)

Soooo so cute and precious! He is just so edible and smells divine! And it's strange, but he and Robert (as a newborn) look so alike that I think a bit of me cannot in my mind distinguish between the two of them. Sometimes I look at him and in my head, without realising, call him Robert, and then in a way I sort of double take when I look up and see almost-2-year-old Robert standing there or sitting and playing. Other times I look at him and see the things that make Christopher.. well, Christopher! The shadow of the ridge on his nose which was so pronounced at birth which Robert never had, the fuzzy bit at the front of his head where his hair should be but it's either come away, or was never there in the first place. The shape of the eyes which are so subtley different from Robert's.

I can't believe that it's been 6 weeks since I gave birth. It really has gone in a flash. I am so thrilled at how well I laboured and gave birth this time, and how well breastfeeding has gone. With all the struggles of the early weeks with Robert, the sheer determination that I WOULD breastfeed or die trying being the only thing keeping me going past 2-3 weeks.. the comparison is very stark. The only issues with breastfeeding so far have been the cluster feeds and growth spurts being SO. TIRING. But boy, never once have I resented picking him up and offering him my breast, as I did with Robert in the early weeks. And that difference has made everything so much easier.

Christopher is gaining weight much quicker than Robert did, partly due I think to tandem feeding, which has increased my supply greatly. Christopher gulps away, and something which I never imagined would happen to me (especially since my supply with Robert was simply "adequate"), splutters and coughs and comes off the breast gasping with his eyes wide in alarm as milk continues to gush. He has, also, a few times, cried with the alarm of getting too much milk. He has not yet grasped how to pause and not continue to suck while the milk is letting down! I have not pumped for a while. There are about 11oz of milk in the freezer, but unlike with Robert, I am not desperate to get Christopher onto bottles. I might well give him some, just for the sake of getting him used to bottles incase the need arises. (Like, for example, when Harry Potter 7 part 1 comes out later this month and we leave the boys with the in-laws to go see it!)

Anyway... wanted to mainly update on Robert's 2 year review. He's now on the 98th centile for weight (woahhh!!!??) but only the 75th for height. Strange, because he's not a chunky boy if you know what I mean! But it certainly shows he's got a good appetite lol! Can't believe my big little boy is going to be 2 so soon! He's getting all grown up! Good thing I have another tiny baby to snuggle!

Big update

2010-10-25T10:34:00.006+01:00

It's been ages since I posted here, and I so badly want to do a big update on my two boys! But I am guessing that it will be written in several stages!

First of all, my tiniest boy, Christopher. He was 4 weeks old on Saturday! I can't believe it! Part of me is still on my babymoon. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that tiny boy, and his big brother too of course! It is back to some sort of normality here now, with Jonathan being back at work (starting his third week back after Christopher was born), and had the majority of my family and Jonathan's come to see Christopher. My mum spent a week up here after Jonathan went back to work. I don't know whether it was because she was stressed with everything going on with HER mum, or the fact that PND so far has skipped me by (hurrah!!!), or the fact that she had hurt her thumb, has a brace on it and therefore the amount of practical help she could offer me was diminished, or what, but the week with her around got a bit wearing towards the end of it, and I can totally imagine how she felt having her mum staying with them for so long. Little things that you can put up with if you just see someone for a few hours become very annoying and less easy to ignore! But overall the week made me sure that looking after my two little boys would be completely do-able.

I had one day, the day after we got home with Christopher, where I felt that icky ball of anxiety in my stomach about the prospect of looking after two boys, but since then I have been fine! So I'm guessing I had a spate of the baby blues then, but after that day it lifted, and still thoroughly enjoying my two boys!

At 11 days old Christopher was weighed for the 3rd time, and he'd regained his birth weight. He is now 4 weeks and 2 days old, and he feels like such a little lump to me! His cheeks are puffed out, he's got an iddy biddy double chin coming on, and his legs, which were somewhat wrinkled and skinny, are now much fatter and squishy :)

He has long since outgrown the few "early" or "tiny" baby clothes he had, and is filling out newborn quite well! I'm actually panicking a bit because my mum bought him a load of newborn outfits, which it looks like he's not going to wear very much before he outgrows them!! They still feel fairly baggy on him, but the sleepsuits don't have much room left lengthwise - he seems like a very long baby! And indeed, Wednesday afternoon, Sarah and Clodagh came around (Kieran was in nursery), and we held the two babies next to each other - Clodagh, who was born 8 days before Christopher, weighing over 2lb more, and who has outgrown newborn clothes and now into 0-3 month clothes, looked the same size as Christopher, lengthwise at least! But I'm guessing she was chunkier!! I couldn't believe it!!! Christopher isn't going to be weighed again until 3rd November, which is the second Health Visitor appointment, when he'll be 5 weeks and 4 days old.

Christopher is a very calm baby still, he cries very rarely, only when he's hungry and wants a cuddle. He seems to be a baby who doesn't mind being in a wet nappy, which is good because he pees LOADS.. I change him probably 5-6 times a day, and each time his nappy is quite heavy with wee... if he was more fussy, I could imagine that I'd be changing him 10+ times a day or more! He saves all his poos for maybe 2 nappies a day, when he'll do LOADS in one go haha!

I'm very lucky to have such a good milk supply this time. I do find myself needing a cloth to put on my arm before I feed him, because he gets so much milk, he often pulls off, gulping down what must be a huge mouthful of milk in several smaller gulps, while my milk is pouring out of my nipple and onto my clothes/down his face, plus some leaking out of his mouth as well! I never had that to the same extent with Robert, but I guess tandem feeding means my supply is greater from the get go.

4 weeks on and I'm not even contemplating bottle feeding anytime soon, I think it must be going well. I remember with Robert I was on the verge of formula feeding by 2 weeks old, was pulling my hair out with the pain and the bad latch, and the cluster feeding, which must have been made worse by my PND/PTSD. This time with no pain (although I can tell his latch isn't perfect, and it could be better, and I know when he has latched on perfectly - very rare but I don't mind as he is getting plenty of milk I know, and I have no pain), the cluster feeds can be wearing, as can the lack of sleep (Christopher, unlike his brother who did 5-6 hours at night between feeds from the get-go, is good if he goes 3 hours between feeds), and the cluster feeding and night-time is when I am most likely to lose my rag, although I've never had the want to lose my rag with Christopher, again, unlike with Robert.

I do find myself thinking in a way, it's such a shame I didn't have the knowledge of Robert's breastfeeding experiences, the knowledge and experience of taking care of Robert etc, before having Robert. I almost wrote without having Robert, rather than before having Robert, but that's not true, I don't wish I didn't have Robert of course, but I know that with Robert I had the PND, from what I remember he was a needier baby than Christopher, or maybe everything's just so much easier this time because I "know babies" this time. I feel that I would be so relaxed if it were just Christopher and me, but at the same time, I love the fact that Christopher is so calm and that I CAN do things with Robert while Christopher is asleep. I hope that has made some sense and won't be mis-interpretted by anyone! I guess in a nutshell I mean that I am finding Christopher such an easy baby to take care of, despite the sleep thing and the cluster feeding, it's a shame he wasn't my first baby! But then the fact that I didn't have the experience of babies and breastfeeding might make it more difficult if that makes sense!!

Anyway! Onto the Big Brother! It's becoming easier and easier to think of Robert as such, seeing the two of them together. Every day I look at Robert now and marvel at how tall he is, how grown up his mannerisms are, how cheeky, how scrummy, how BIG he is. When he comes up to me and asks me for "gah-gee", then lays down with his head on my lap while he nurses, it boggles me how only his head and shoulders lay on my lap, and how his body fills up almost the rest of the sofa! And to think he was once a tiny baby who could fit lengthways along my thighs almost completely is just crazy... how sad in a way you don't notice that one day they are suddenly a cheeky independant TALL little boy when they were once a tiny helpless dependant baby.

I often find he has helped himself to fruit from the dining table while I've been upstairs changing Christopher's nappy, or making Robert lunch, or doing household chores... I came in today to find he'd almost demolished an apple he'd got while I was in the kitchen making him a sandwich.

One of the main challenges I will find myself trying to overcome, is spending enough time doing something fun each day with Robert. I desperately want to make sure that he is not being left to his own devices all day every day while I try and stay on top of the washing up, laundry (the only housework I really prioritise to be honest, vacuuming the carpet comes third but everything else only gets done when/if I have time), and feed/change/cuddle Christopher. At the moment it is not too difficult, as Christopher sleeps for fairly long stretches during the day, but I know as the months roll on, Christopher will become more needy, and I will need to find things to keep him entertained at the same time. Last week though I managed to do a painting session with Robert during one of Christopher's naps. He and I both thoroughly enjoyed it!

I think the trick for me not becoming stressed is to make sure I have everything I will need to hand, not only for during the painting, but afterwards, for the cleaning up as well, before we even start. While Robert watched with interest (it was pretty much an unplanned treat - Robert found his arts and crafts box, and I suddenly fancied doing painting with him!) while I set up his table (put a waterproof sheet underneath for paint splashes/dropped implements, covered his table with newspaper), got some white card from upstairs (a handful incase he wanted to do more than one sheet), got a bucket of warm soapy water and put it on the waterproof sheet next to the table, and got a plastic plate, a brush, a foam brush and a foam roller from the box, and then I went and found an old stained white t-shirt, tied it so the neck wasn't loose around Robert's, and then finally set him loose on the paint!

He really enjoyed it, loved using the brush, and in particular the roller, which he called his "car", and loved driving it across the paper!

Several sheets of paper later, I showed him (as his hands were already very mucky) that he could use his fingers and hands to make prints on the paper, which he enjoyed very much too :)

Of course it wasn't long before some got on his face! And when I said "Oh no, look at your face!" he immediately put his hand once again to his face and made it messier!! Haha!

I'm so glad that Christopher stayed asleep for the painting session. Seven sheets of card later, Robert was showing signs of getting bored with painting, picking the roller up and spinning it in mid air to watch the paint flick off, etc. So I got him to wash his hands in the bucket, (I put his "car" in there as well for him to help clean) while I washed my hands, and his face, and gave the plate, brushes and foam roller a quick rinse over as well. He objected a bit to having to stop, but was easily distracted while I cleaned up, and put everything away.

I want to try and make that a regular activity for us to do. And think of more as well! He really enjoys playdough as well, which I did with him in the week my mum spent with us. And we've bought some playdough cutters, a rolling pin, and there's a cutting implement as well in the box, as well as some rolls of "soft stuff" which I wasn't too fussed about - I like making my own playdough - but it came in with the cutters.

I want to try and do some cooking with him too - set out with easy things, like rice crispie cakes, and go on to more complicated things like fairy cakes, rock buns, etc. It's so lovely doing things with him now he's older and more appreciative of activities like that. But also lovely things to do would be nature walks, trying to find and collect things while out and about, which we could then incorporate in artwork maybe!

One thing I'm not looking forward to in the coming weeks is Robert's 2 year review at the hospital. At his 18 month one, the doctor was quite plain in that he thought Robert's speech (and therefore maybe his hearing) wasn't up to scratch. I was confident he'd improve - which he has - just not as much as I'd have hoped. He occasionally uses two word sentences, mainly out of habit though than spontenaity. Things like "tv please" - tv was once "ee-eeeee" and has now degenerated into "YAYAY" (it's usually shouted), and please is "izzzziz". His vocabulary has increased but is still mostly unrecognisable to strangers. His main recognisable words are "car" "more" "mama" "dada" "nah-nah" (for banana) and then his animal noises, most of which are surprisingly accurate!

As most two year olds are capable of saying 3 word sentences, I'm pretty sure that assuming we see the same doctor again, Robert will be referred to have his hearing checked (there's nothing wrong with his hearing that we can tell, he understands everything we say to him) and then possibly speech therapy. Oh, and co-incidentally, Alice, it's not looking good, Robert has less than a month to start saying 3 word sentences before you have to eat your hat! Here's hoping that it won't be long before he is saying more, I'm confident that it won't be too much longer before he's starting on sentences, but I am a little concerned about his pronounciations. We'll just have to wait and see what the doctor says when we see them in less than 2 weeks time.

Anyway, one last photo before I attempt to get both the boys ready and out the house for an hour or so... Hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed recording it. :)

2 weeks old - little darling!

2010-10-10T21:23:00.002+01:00

Well, Christopher was 2 weeks old yesterday. My they have flown by, it seems like he's been here for much longer though, somehow! Life has just seamlessly sown him into our lives, and goodness knows if I am tempting fate by saying this, but he is such a calm, peaceful, and dare I say it - easy baby. I cannot remember the first two weeks being so easy with Robert. Yes, I know the first week of it we spent in hospital, the majority of that with him in special care. And then adjusting to actually having a little person we were suddenly soley responsible for, adjusting to changing nappies, breastfeeding, settling him down for naps, learning how to do things around the house while caring for a baby...

This time, everything seems to just be second nature. Breastfeeding is going extremely well. My supply is settling down and I'm no longer painfully engorged at night or between feeds. I still do get slightly uncomfortably full, and I am leaking like crazy from the other breast whenever I feed one child or the other from a full breast. Sometimes if I don't check my breastpads very often I don't realise that it's soaked through before I start leaking again with a feed and it just soaks through EVERYTHING! Yesterday after a feed, I had to change my bra, my t-shirt, AND I had to change Christopher because it had soaked the leg of his sleepsuit!

I am coping well with the nightfeeds, although it is still tiring as I don't often doze off during a feed (although I feed lying down in the dark), and then after he's finished, he needs burping, and occasionally changing too. And then sometimes feeding again if he wakes up after a change ;) And then another burp before he can go back to his cot.

I still can't get over how little he feels to me. Compared with my chunk of a newborn Robert, Christopher seems so teeny tiny, his legs and arms are so spindly, although, I noticed with some satisfaction today that his little thighs do seem chubbier than they did even a week ago. :) The health visitor came to see me when Christopher was 11 days old. She weighed him and he gained back to his birth weight of 7lb 9oz.. in fact because they go by kg, he was very slightly over. Looking up the conversion chart, Christopher's birth weight was actually more like 7lb 8.5oz rather than 7lb 9oz, and going by the conversion chart after the Health Visitor left, Christopher was just over 7lb 9oz. So yes, he's gained weight well considering at 5 days old he had lost 10oz from his birth weight. :) I am confident that things are going well, he has lots of wet and dirty nappies, and he sometimes splutters at the breast with the speed of my let down, which is completely new to me as with Robert I found that although I had enough milk, it was never a fast let down and he usually had to feed for ages before he had had enough!

Emotionally I am so much calmer, happier and less anxious than I was with Robert. I do not feel worried at all at the prospect of looking after Robert and Christopher by myself, maybe this is partly due to the fact it's my second baby, partly due to the fact that Christopher seems so much more laid back than Robert was, and partly due to the hopeful absense of post-natal depression. Jonathan goes back to work tomorrow, but my Mum is coming down for the week like she did with Robert, to help see me through the days in whatever help I need of her (although this help will be somewhat limited this time due to her injuring her thumb through knitting too much!!). I am also wondering what the likelihood will be that I will be able to maybe go to the salon in town and get my hair cut will be... and how confident my mum would be on looking after both boys for the hour or two I'll be gone, or if maybe I should/could take Christopher with me and see what happens there!

My newest little boy is such a darling I can hardly put into words how much I love him, although at the moment it seems to be more of an infactuation and just still generally "babymoon"ish. I could sit and stare at him, or have him laying on my chest for hours on end. He is just so unbelievably delicious, and all of a sudden I am swamped in these old memories of Robert as a newborn, remembering the darling little birdy faces, snuffling sounds and just adorableness of a rooting baby, kissing his little cheeks and mouth to make him swing his head from side to side to get at what is touching his cheeks.

He is so much more alert now, we are getting lots of interested looks, and so many lovely facial expressions, and he even manages to copy a surprised look sometimes with a lovely little O for a mouth ;)

What is also amazing is how in these 2 short weeks how much it has grown to look like his big brother. I know a lot of people think he always has done so, but I think due to him being so small his face was a lot more screwed up and it was hard to see, ut I think now he's beginning to get a bit of chubb on his face and his wrinkly face is smoothing out a bit, I can definitely see the likeness between them now!

I am just so excited to see my tiny one grow up, to see his personality begin to shine out, and to watch how his relationship with his big brother blossoms. :) And while I am cherishing these newborn moments, I am also really looking forward to his future developments and achievements, all his firsts!

9 days old! Photos!

2010-10-04T19:49:00.002+01:00

Well my little Squidge, Christopher, is now 9 days old! I can hardly believe that it's been so long since he rocketted into the world and into our lives well and truly :)

He is such a delightful, calm baby, full of lots of lovely expressions.

I could just cuddle him for hours if there wasn't the need to get things done, or sleep! He has yet to cry for anything other than a nappy change! When I think back to Robert as a newborn, I'm SURE he used to cry a whole lot more! Part of me is wondering whether it's our attentiveness and the fact that we are so much more experienced as parents this time round? But either way he is very calm, and he will sleep in his cot with no problems, or in his bouncer, meaning that we can spend a lot of time playing with Robert and I think this is helping him to adjust to having a new tiny baby brother!

Christopher and I had been home only a few hours, when Robert decided he wanted to join Christopher in having some Mummy Milk. :) I am so happy that Jonathan took some photos of my first time tandem feeding my two boys!

It has certainly eased jealousy and I am more than happy to allow Robert to join his brother if he asks. Now, Robert will sometimes reach over and hold Christopher's hand while they both nurse :) It's so sweet! So sweet, I just embarrassingly had a strong let down thinking about it and leaked all over my top!

He really is a sweet big brother :)

Anyway, tonight we have put a duvet and pillow on Robert's cot for the first time, and he's already once climbed out and started crying, so I put him back in, tucked him in and sang him more songs... he seems to find it quite cozy but it is so different to him as he's not slept under a cover since he was about a few months old (since we discovered baby sleeping bags!), and he sleeps on his front, with just his jammies on. So hoping that he will get on well with it! Fingers crossed!

5 days old

2010-09-30T20:02:00.003+01:00

I would have been 39 weeks pregnant today, but instead I have had my little Christopher here for 5 whole days :) We are slowly settling into a routine, getting our tactics sorted out for how to get a semi decent night's sleep. Robert if I remember rightly slept 5 hours at a time from when we got him home, but then he was 6 days old by the time we got him home so maybe.. just maybe! Hehe! Christopher last night slept for about 3 hours between feeds, which was better than the last two nights so fingers crossed for something similar tonight. I was awake though from 3am at least last night though with painfully engorged breasts, and so in the end I decided to get up, and hand express some. I again got 2oz, but from just the one breast that time and although it was still quite engorged I was at least able to get some sleep.

I have been using Robert as a pump when he's been awake and willing. He sometimes refuses if I offer, if the other thing on offer seems better at the time ;) This morning he nursed for a long time, emptying one breast and having a good go at the other, before Christopher woke up. He also nursed alongside Christopher during the day once, and another time when I was simply holding his baby brother he came and asked for milky. Then again this evening he nursed from both breasts so hopefully engorgement won't be as bad tonight. The first tandem feed showed that Robert was quite possessive over my breasts, he tried to pull Christopher off by his legs! But now he simply looks over from time to time, with interest, or indifference. He occasionally reaches over and holds Christopher's hand while nursing as well which is sweet :)

He seems to find Christopher very fascinating right now, and loves to sit and watch him, and although we've now told him not to touch Christopher's face, he does still now try and put his whole hand covering Christopher's face (which is slightly better than poking his eyes out I suppose, he doesn't cover it in a manner that would suffocate him). When I feed Robert on our bed with Christopher in the cot, if Christopher makes a noise, Robert will look up and smile as he watches his baby brother for a while before continuing to nurse :)

Sometimes I do see Robert in Christopher, but other times he looks completely different! I think because Christopher is sooo much smaller than Robert was at birth it is hard to see similarities, because Christopher's face is more wrinkled up.

Christopher was weighed today when the midwife came over. He has lost 7% of his birth weight which is in the acceptable limits, so now weighs a diddy 6lb 15oz. I never had a weighing with Robert at this stage, but he was weighed at 2 weeks and he was back to his birth weight exactly then. I do hope that Christopher gains back to his birth weight well by the time he's two weeks old. I guess over the next week he will be getting a fair amount of mature milk and will hopefully be less sleepy and will feed longer.

I'm starting to get some after pains now, I thought I'd skipped them as I didn't get anything really before today. That combined with I guess the drop of hormones and general "after birth" body changes has given me slight uneasy feelings, which I'm confident will pass although having remembered them with Robert it does worry me a little but I know I will be able to keep an eye on my feelings and Jonathan will be as well. The fact that I have had a much better birth experience and been able to bond straight away with Christopher, and the fact that it all isn't quite so "new" is comforting to me, and knowing that all I really have to do is take things one step at a time and everything will be ok. Those feelings did pass with Robert, and they will pass if I get them to any stage with Christopher as well.

Something which I will be starting off at is beginning to lose this weight. I might have mentioned before but I want to get down to 12 stone by this time next year, which only means me losing 39lb (I weighed in at 14 stone 11lb yesterday which I am pleased at, less than 3 stone to lose this year!) and will put me at a BMI at just into overweight rather than obese. Of course I might even lose more and be into the healthy range, but 12 stone is a goal I am happy with for now. My appetite isn't very big right now, normal sized meals leave me feeling bloated, so I might well not even be trying to lose weight properly and still managing to!

I am still nervous about my blood sugar, and whether or not my diabetes will stick around. Apparently it can take a few weeks for levels to get back to normal. This morning porridge left me with a reading of 7 which is good for diabetes but I can't remember what porridge used to do to my levels in pregnancy as I never had it very often. I'll be having another GTT in about 5 weeks time to find out if I do still have it, and I really hope I don't, obviously. Anyway will go for now, I'd quite like to sit down and relax with a nice cuppa before I think about waking up the little man. :)

3 days old

2010-09-28T20:24:00.003+01:00

Ahhh, well Christopher is 3 days old (well almost, half an hour or so til he is properly!). Tonight will be our second night at home and we are still trying to settle down and into a proper routine (well, as much as having a newborn around can have a routine!).

I had my first home visit from the midwife today, not my antenatal one unfortunately, but maybe I'll get to see Beverley later this week. She did of course turn up during Robert's nap (and also at a time we managed to get Christopher asleep in his cot!) grrr. She's happy enough with everything, except the fact that Christopher hadn't pooed since Monday morning (he has since done one - hurrah!) and she said if he hadn't done one by 9am tomorrow to phone up the community midwives office to arrange an extra home visit, but since he has pooed, all is well, for now :)

My milk has come in last night, it's still the "changing" milk so there isn't a HUGE amount of it, but there is enough to make my little man gulp away while feeding, and to produce MASSIVE burps lol! And definitely more of it than there was with Robert. Christopher now feeds for roughly half an hour at a go due to the increase in milk, compared to 1 hour+ (with tickles to keep him awake) while I was in hospital. My breasts have been very engorged today, even after Robert going on one for a long time they still feel hard and sore. So hopefully they'll settle down soon, but I did express some milk earlier in the evening, and I got about 2oz, just under, which I think is pretty good going for 3 days post partum!

Christopher has just woken, and Jonathan's changing his nappy. Poor little soul does NOT enjoy nappy changes, and SCREAMS until his little legs have been tucked away again into his babygrow :) He did another poo so yay for that :)

Anyway, gotta go! We're hoping we have a better night than last night - little man wouldn't bring up his wind properly and would only sleep well on his side, and even then that was for barely 15 minutes! In the end we brought him into bed with us as that was the only way he ended up sleeping for longer than half an hour, and even then I kept waking up with a dead arm. He's slept much better in his cot today, so fingers crossed it will be a bit better!

Squidge(aka Christopher!!)'s Birth Story

2010-09-27T15:00:00.005+01:00

On Saturday morning, the 25th, we headed into hospital having left Robert with Jonathan's parents. When we got there, we were taken up into the antenatal ward where other women were waiting to be induced. We were told that due to the delivery suite being busy, all the inductions were being postponed, but in the meantime, before I could be induced, they needed to monitor the baby's heartbeat and uterine activity, so they would know how Squidge was fairing with contractions (not that I got any then, but I suppose as a base level to compare the figures to during labour). So from 8.30am, until 9.30am I was hooked up to this, then at 9.30 when the midwife was happy with the reading, she put the prostin in, and monitored me for another hour on the machine.

At 10.30am she let me off it finally, and encouraged me to move around and keep active, so Jonathan and I went for a walk around the hospital, through the basement corridors, up and down stairs, into the main hospital to "explore" as it was cold outside, and pretty much the entire time I had a long continuous braxton hicks contraction. After about 20-30 minutes we went back to the ward as I was getting a bit tired, and I had a bounce on the birthing ball we'd taken up with us. The girl across the bed from me was very friendly, so we chatted, she was being induced that evening I believe but she had already been in a few days.

After a little while, Jonathan left to go back and see Robert, as nothing was really happening, and there was probably about 45 minutes or so between Jonathan leaving and my Mum showing up. We chatted for a while, she knitted and I bounced. Over the next couple of hours, my constant braxton hicks was slowly morphing into regular-ish braxton hicks contractions, some of which I was beginning to need to breathe through. I decided to stop bouncing and to lay down on the bed and see if they continued, and they did. I started timing them, and while they weren't dead on regular or equal duration, they were very close together, within 1.5 and 2.5 minutes between them. After another half an hour of monitoring or so, she came back and told me that she didn't think much was happening (or words to that effect) because they weren't regular in strength or frequency. So she did an internal on me, and found me to be 3-4cm, with my waters bulging. That HURT, she told me was because my cervix was posterior and she had to try and get to it and "walk it forward" a bit. And my cervix was still quite thick. Anyway by this time I had told Jonathan to come back so he and my mum were both there.

Around 4pm I was admitted to the labour ward to room N ("for Norman" lol - "Or Nicola?" I joked). We got settled in and we even got one of the big beanbags through from the day room. I felt a bit bad in a way because it all seemed rather boring, I would bounce on my birth ball, fall silent during contractions, and Mum and Jonathan were just sitting around it seemed. But I guess they did have each other for company.

Around 7pm the midwife (Cathy) told me she'd like to do an examination at 7.30, I can't remember the reason now but I told her I'd rather wait a little longer to see if things progressed on their own. As a compromise we agreed on 8pm, so she left and I settled down on the beanbag to listen to the birthing affirmations. About half an hour later it finished so I got up and got on the birth ball again. After a few minutes I became concerned because I had realised during the affirmations that the contractions weren't as bad but I thought that was because I was relaxed. When they didn't seem more intense again on the birthing ball it struck that something wasn't quite right, especially when I was able to walk to the midwife station without getting a single one. There Cathy suggested I walk around until 8pm to see if they did come on again.

Off we went, and yes they did pick up again but they weren't anywhere near the strength they were before, so just before 8 we got back to the room. This is undoutedly where things got more interesting for my birthing partners!

Jonathan, shortly after we got back, said something he probably regretted several minutes later. "Have you felt Squidge moving lately?" Immediately I started wracking my brains and coming up empty. Enter panic mode! I sat down, started poking my belly, praying that Squidge would move. I managed to move his feet/bum but it didn't prompt him to make his own movements! Worst case senarios immediately started running through my mind. That Squidge had died and that nothing would save him, not emergency c-section, or anything. My mum started to try and comfort me saying that if things were wrong they would get him out quick with c-section and he'd be ok, but I was almost crying and saying "Not if Squidge is already dead!" And she tried to comfort me again saying "Squidge isn't dead, sweetheart" but it didn't comfort me. Jonathan went to get Cathy in asap but she was busy with another woman and I was still panicking.

Eventually she came in and I begged her to check Squidge's heartbeat. It didn't come up straight away and I laid on the bed thinking "please please please", and then she found it, and relief (albeit cautious relief) flooded my body and mind. She then said she'd check my cervix again, and she said "if you're not dilated more than 7 I would like to break your waters, but if you're more than 7 we can leave you, is that ok?" and still shocked and upset from Squidge's lack of movement I agreed straight away, and in a way I was relieved when she said I was still 3-4 cm, and that she'd break my waters. So she did this with her "magic wand" (giving mum and Jonathan a giggle) and oh my god the PAIN. My cervix was still posterior and I was sucking on gas and air for all my worth while she was doing this. She made several surprised sounds, and "oh my gosh it's going everywhere!" and "if your waters had gone in Marks and Spencers you'd have made a fortune!" She was still wriggling something about in there and I didn't know why because I could feel my feet getting wet, and for some reason I took the gas and air out of my mouth and started to cry!

It was probably because of the whole worry over Squidge's movements but as soon as I started to cry, Cathy stopped fiddling around in there and took her hand out, Jonathan rushed over to me and held my hand, and Cathy said it was probably because it brought back memories that I cried, and I thought 'but my waters popped in the birth pool last time' and was quite confused until after I realised she probably meant the worry about the baby.

Anyway Cathy told me the instant my waters were broken I went from 3-4 cm to 5 cm straight away. Shortly after that happened she changed over, she seemed really disappointed she couldn't stay to see the birth as she clocked off at 9pm and introduced me to the other midwife who took over from her. I can't remember her name, but anyway Cathy left, and the other midwife stayed behind.

Very shortly after that happened I was having contractions on the table, during which I groaned/grunted through (unable to focus completely and stay silent like before) and after a few, I got a slight urge to bear down which I told everyone about. I half heartedly did so and then said that I wanted to kneel on the beanbag leaning against the bed (my chosen delivery position). They brought the beanbag over to the bed and put one of those sheet things with the waterproof backing on top and I knelt either side of it while they put other sheets around. I leaned over onto the bed and with the next contraction, bore down as hard as I could, at the same time letting out a very very loud primal-esque groan for the length of the contraction, and I could feel his head coming down very fast, and within what seemed like seconds (although maybe 20-30 of them!) I could feel his head get to the verge of crowning. All the way through I heard the midwife, my mum and Jonathan all calling out various things to me like "oh well done!" "keep going!" "clever girl!" "I'm so proud of you!" Part of me wanted to take a break as that contraction was wearing me out but there was still some behind me so I just went for it, and all of a sudden I was being told to pant out his body! It all slid out just after the contraction finished and a few seconds later I heard what really was a magical sound, of Squidge letting out a cry, and then a little while later, Jonathan saying tearfully "It's a boy!" I remember feeling really surprised, but so emotional and happy, and due to my position while I could twist round and see him a little, I couldn't really move. The midwife called out "Nine oh eight!" which for some reason the first thing that popped into my head was 9lb 8oz lol and thought that was odd how could she have weighed him so soon! But of course she meant the time he was born :)

After the midwife cut the cord (probably the easiest thing to do given my position even though it was in my birth plan not to) I climbed back onto the bed, and was given my baby boy :) We spent the next 3-4 hours or so in that room, first of all being given clotting meds for my bleeding, the placenta coming away easily, and cuddling my baby boy and letting him (for the most part, I moved him slightly closer to the breast so he could see it) move himself and latch on, where he stayed for absolutely ages, then came off, and went on again and during this time mum came over to me and said she'd probably better be heading off soon but wanted to see him weighed and also a cuddle, anyway in the end little man decided to keep mum waiting far too long so she headed off without, under the proviso she could come back the next day and have her cuddle then.

Finally, after my stitches (a whole load for a "superficial" 2nd degree tear from a perfectionist midwife lol) and then later a bath (oh my goodness how heavenly is that first bath after childbirth???!!!), and we were ready to go up to the ward.

There you have it. :) Christopher Jon Hunt's birth story, welcome to the world little man!

Just wanted to edit this to add what a lovely supportive midwife Cathy was. It's a shame she couldn't stick around for the whole birth. She read my birth plan and although she did sometimes accidently slip and ask me what the "pains" were like - to me they weren't pain again, they were simply contractions, tightenings. Whenever a midwife came in, Cathy included, they kept saying how lovely and peaceful it was in my delivery room, and how they wanted to stay there lol! I had the lights dimmed and music playing.. I don't know what the vast majority of their hospital births are like, but I guess neither of those.

I think, despite the contractions feeling stronger than with Robert's labour, I definitely felt more in control and that might have been what made the difference. I knew what I wanted, what was important to me, what I would be willing to let go, and from past experience, how to position myself. As I was lying on the bed and feeling the urge to push (again, from having read my birth plan, my midwife did not ask to examine me to check I was "ok" to push, as I specifically wrote that I wanted to use my body as a guide during labour), I very calmly thought to myself "now's the time to move, so I stated clearly I wanted to get into the delivering position, feeling very in control, and I think despite the speed in which he descended, I did still feel in control, I was thinking to myself part way through that I was getting tired, and was tempted to stop, but as my contraction was still going, I made the conscious decision to keep bearing down as hard as I could!

How strange though, that I have now forgotten the sensation, I remember recollecting shortly after, wondering how I gave birth to Robert. Which makes me think that pushing Christopher out must have been tough, but overall it was such a positive birth experience, and even with it being induced, I was fully able to cope without pain relief (for the actual labour). This even without Hypnobirthing fresh in my mind, just from re-visiting the book, listening to the CDs and practicing breathing techniques again.

Our little Squidge has arrived

2010-09-26T18:48:00.003+01:00

As most of you know, our little Squidge arrived at 9.08pm yesterday (25th September) weighing an absolutely diddy 7lb 9oz! Little Christopher Jon is absolutely perfect and has been breastfeeding for every feed. Due to my diabetes they are checking his blood sugar levels pre feeds, and so far they have not been satisfactory, due to him being quite sleepy and not actually crying for milk yet! It has been an effort to keep him awake and for him to actually have a good long feed, although he did manage it for his last feed, where he fed well for over an hour! So fingers crossed for his next BM.

On the matter of the birth, in a nutshell I had given birth vaginally within 12 hours of being given my first and only pessary! I did also need to have my waters broken, during this process I used gas and air but other than that I didn't use any pain relief despite the contractions being a lot more intense and uncomfortable much earlier on than with Robert's labour.

All in all, my birth experience was very much a positive one, although, maybe due to the speed in which the 2nd phase progressed, I have no idea how on earth I managed to get a 10lb baby out! There was also a time I panicked because Jonathan had asked me when I last felt Squidge move and then realised I couldn't remember, so I really panicked until I was monitored. I had the worst case scenario of Squidge already being dead and there being nothing we could do... but luckily of course Squidge was alright!

I am waiting for him to wake for his feed and he either just pooed or carted, so I might change him and see if he wakes. Hopefully I can update this tomorrow from home, but I'll keep you informed! I can't wait to write his birth story!

38 weeks pregnant - niggles and belly pic

2010-09-23T21:52:00.003+01:00

Well 38 weeks pregnant today, 2 days until D-Day. The last two evenings I've had niggles which feel promising but I've been trying not to get too excited. The best I am hoping for at the moment is that these niggles mean things are getting things ready, and that it means that when I am induced on Saturday things will be fairly speedy... I have been getting some looser BM (and some normal ones too), been getting some achiness in my lower back, off to one side mainly but sometimes all the way across (which I never had with R), and also some mild achiness/pain in my lower bump, and also some much stronger braxton hicks than I have been having all the way through my pregnancy, ones which are also lasting longer than normal. It's strange how little I remember from my pregnancy with Robert. But reading back on his last few days in the womb, I am now pretty certain that even if things are on their way they probably won't have time now to kickstart themselves now before the induction. I do hope though that things get going quickly and without needing the drip. Fingers crossed anyway!!

I took a belly picture today, to complete this pregnancy's gallery. I noticed before I took them that I by complete co-incidence had exactly the same top and trousers on that I had for my 36 week belly picture! So had to change the top ;)

Tomorrow is my last full definite day as a Mum of 1. There is a bit still to be done, but not a lot is actually URGENT. So hopefully... we'll be ok :)

37 weeks 6 days - 3 days til induction

2010-09-22T20:55:00.002+01:00

Well 3 more days to go. The last two days I have been nesting like crazy, keeping on top of the washing up, doing loads of washing galore, changing the bedsheets, doing anything else that pops into my mind as urgent. Hospital bags still have finishing touches to add to them and last minute items. Still have to do Robert's weekend bag, and to clear out the cot which is loaded with "stuff" of various sorts.

I wrote up my birth plan, although it doesn't seem quite complete yet, it doesn't factor in as much "if things go wrong" stuff that I would like, it just doesn't feel quite finished, although it's probably fairly comprehensive.

Birth Plan

During labour:

I wish to be able to maintain ability to move around the room for as long as is possible, or to sit/stand/kneel beside the bed if I wish to.

As I practised Hypnobirthing with my first child, and have been revisiting it during my 2nd pregnancy, I would prefer that midwives and health practitioners refrain from the use of the word "pain" and "hurt", and if at all possible, I be assigned a midwife who is familiar with Hypnobirthing and natural birth. If I become too uncomfortable or have trouble dealing with the contractions I may wish to use gas and air but would prefer to do without any other medication, and gas and air only as a last resort.

I wish to be encouraged to go with my body and use that as a guide during my labour and delivery, and to be reminded to breathe downwards to my baby during delivery.

I wish to deliver the baby in as upright a position as possible, in whatever position I feel best at the time, be it standing, kneeling on the bed, supported squatting.

After the birth:

I wish for my husband Jonathan to announce the baby's gender.

I wish to have immediate skin to skin contact with the baby, and for any interventions that can wait (for example, weighing, administering Vit K, blood tests, clamping and cutting of the cord) to be postponed until after the baby's first breastfeed.

During this first skin to skin contact I would like baby to be placed on my chest, and for the baby to initiate the first breastfeed. I don't mind being given a messy baby, or the baby and I being covered by a towel/sheet if it is cold.

If any medical intervention is necessary, or if I end up having to give birth via emergency c-section, I would like my husband Jonathan to be able to be with the baby if for some reason the baby and I need to be separated, and would like to have the skin-to-skin contact as soon as possible. Under no circumstances is my baby to be fed formula milk without my permission, I have brought antenatally expressed colostrum for the baby in the unlikely event that I am unable to feed the baby straight away.

What do you think?

I was quite hopeful last night that things might be about to start on their own, having had some loose bowel movements and strong braxton hicks but have had neither really today at all. It's full moon tomorrow so hoping but not thinking it will happen before induction unfortunately. I think my ideal situation would be me going into labour naturally in the morning I get admitted for induction ;) So I don't have to worry about pessaries, ARM, drips etc. I'm feeling mostly positive about it all but there is still something niggling in the back of my mind that lightning will strike twice, but hoping beyond hope that it's just an irrational fear I have to let go of, and that positive thinking and visualisation will amount to a positive birth experience.

What probably also seems irrational is that since my friend Sarah (who by the way, gave birth last Friday morning to a beautiful little girl, Clodagh, weighing 9lb 12oz!) had a good birth experience and was able to leave hospital the very next morning, then it makes it more likely that I will have the opposite. How crazy is that?? Part of me in the back of my mind thinks that since she did, it'd just be sods law that I have another bad experience. When she told me she was having a girl, having had at that time a leaning towards girl, I had a little sinking feeling and a thought of "oh well that's that then, I'm going to end up with a boy"

Of course now I don't mind at all the gender of my baby I know that whatever I end up with I will fall headlong in love with my baby whether it has a willy or not! Haha! But crossed fingers and toes that things will work out ok, and I will get to let my baby have its breast crawl, and that I can bond with the baby straight away, would be much appreciated.

I will take a belly photo tomorrow, as it will be my last (boohoo!) and post it here. Belly photos up to 36 weeks are in the belly gallery (linked to the right) if you wanted a gander. :)

37 weeks 3 days - last week

2010-09-19T10:37:00.002+01:00

It's Sunday 19th September. There are only 6 days until I get admitted to hospital for my induction. I have so much to do but it will all come together, and this last week will fly by and I think it would be nice to have a written record of how things are going in my last week as Mummy to one gorgeous boy. This time next week I really hope I will be cuddled up with my newest little baby, having had a labour that has gone swimmingly well.

Jonathan has gone into town to buy me a birthing ball (well, Gym Ball, but same difference, only cheaper), and to buy a hard backed envelope for Robert's cbeebies birthday card (another thing to finish before next weekend!).

I have been feeling Squidge engage a few times over the last couple of days, but then notice s/he has come back out again and feeling all squashed up again under my ribs. I've been averaging well over 3 cups of raspberry leaf tea a day for 3 weeks (at one point averaging 4 but got below that a bit now), and hoping that bouncing on the birthing ball this week may help things along. I've also been trying to ensure I have regular braxton hicks in the hope that it might help things along somehow, if not start labour then at least start getting things ready.

Things have been quite squashed up the last few days, and beginning to definitely get that "heavily pregnant" feeling. Last night we were at the in-laws sorting out induction weekend plans, and we had a Chinese takeaway in the evening. Leaving Jonathan, MIL and FIL nicely satiated, and me positively bloated having had the same amount! So much so I did have trouble tying my shoe laces to go home, having had no problems for the rest of the pregnancy particularly! I have been huffing and puffing a lot lately, even after not doing particularly much, which Jonathan has said is getting a little annoying but he can understand why I'm doing it, so he doesn't complain lol! I do feel lucky in that I know I only have 1 week to go, whereas if I wasn't being induced I'd be facing up to 5 weeks to go which seems like a huge amount more!

Squidge is still nice and active, apart from one sleepy day I think on Monday last week, and I rarely notice the times inbetween his many active moments! Some are more active than others, sometimes I just feel his bum/knee gently shift position and stick out of my belly gently, other times I feel a big "bloop" movement of his bum, combined with a foot sticking out one side of my belly, plus little hand swishing movements down there as well!

I've been a little looser in the bowel movement situation lately as well, which is getting my hopes up for an induction-free labour. I remember that two days before Robert was born we went out to a restuarant in the evening, and I went to the loo after the meal and had quite a large loose BM then. I keep feeling pressure in some sense or another as well, which of course may just be when Squidge is becoming engaged, and will mean nothing. Last night I was wondering if things might be getting ready for the beginning of things, as I felt small waves of sensations at the very bottom of my bump, but then stopped, and wondered if maybe they might have been related in some way to the bloatedness earlier in the evening, or Squidge engaging.

Only time will tell! But once I have wrapped up this entry I will be going and finishing my hospital bag, and also making notes on my birth plan and getting that typed up as well. Plus a list of last minute questions to ask my midwife tomorrow, as that will be my last antenatal appointment!

Also I don't know if I mentioned it here, but Squidge now does have a name set aside for him/her in either eventuality. :) I'm so pleased that I have kept the surprise for myself for the big day, I know there are many people who argue that it is a surprise whether you find out at 20 weeks, 30 weeks, or on the birthing day, but having known with Robert at 20 weeks, and not knowing with this one, I must admit there IS a difference... the anticipation and excitement not only of meeting your little baby and discovering whose nose he has, or whose eyes he has, but also the fact that you've not known all this time whether he is a boy or a girl, the anticipation for me seems to be a HUGE amount greater than it was with Robert. I just can't wait to find out whether Robert is having a brother or sister! And each day the excitement gets greater! I think that if we do have a third child, I would love to keep the sex a surprise again. I have not regretted keeping it a surprise at all, and to me, buying neutral clothes, neutral bedding, packing little white jackets and blankets does not make me feel "less prepared" as many people state as their reason for finding out, nor are we financially worse off, we have kept all of Robert's clothes, so if it's a boy, he can wear those as well as the neutral things (to give us a break of blue blue blue), and if it's a girl, then we can reuse some of the boys clothes (vests, socks etc) and keep the rest incase we have a third.

I love the way I've kept changing my mind on what I think it is... I had that huge chunk of time when I had a niggling feeling it was a girl, now I think it's a boy! I will be over the moon whatever our baby is, and just can't wait for Jonathan to tell me! (And I think he will enjoy that priviledge too, despite having wanted to find out at the scan!) I can't wait to hold my baby on my chest, feel his/her warmth on my body, and call him/her by name for the first time, and welcome little Squidge into the world by introducing them to Jonathan, my mum, the midwife by name.

I shall go now, and start doing all the things I need to get done. Finish packing the hospital bags and Robert's weekend bag, making notes on questions for the midwife and my birth plan.

I hope you all are having a lovely weekend! I will try and update this week, by Thursday at the latest with my last belly picture, and hopefully the news that all is ready, clothes are in drawers, boxes are in the loft, cot is clear, bags are packed and so on! Huge hugs to you all, I know this isn't quite the end of this pregnancy but it is drawing nearer and you have all been a fabulous source of support and comfort to me. Will update soon!

36 weeks 5 days - the countdown

2010-09-14T21:33:00.002+01:00

Well, now induction has been organised, we're now in the final countdown. 11 days to go! I am nervous, but I'm going to go in with a positive attitude and take things as it comes.

And to be honest, I am getting a little relieved that I do have an end in sight, that I'm going to have the baby early, as the late pregnancy niggles are now starting to come in with some force, particularly the pelvic pain. I am glad it's come later than Robert (I think at least), but I am glad that I don't have many more days (well, nights) to endure. Today was quite bad for the pain during the day as well, gone are the sitting on the floor days, getting up from the floor, or from a laying down position are bad now. Heartburn I get occasionally but is infinitely better than with R.. as such I will not be surprised to see that Squidge is bald! Swelling is minimal at the moment, thank goodness, after enduring 2 months of bad swelling with Robert, less than 11 days with this one seems like a walk in the park!

Something I was a little annoyed about is that my midwife is refusing to do a sweep on me at all.. this week fair enough I'm not 37 weeks yet. But she's not even going to do one on Monday either when I'll be 37+4. The reason being because my consultant has not expressly said give me a sweep. So the chances of me going into natural labour are soley based on Squidge now, and hopefully Squidge is just as keen to get here before induction as I am.

But either way I am eagerly packing my hospital bag, and looking forward to meeting my little Squidge, and on the next chapter. Whatever may happen at the birth, having been through one traumatic birth already I am probably a little better prepared incase things don't go to plan, especially on what to do afterwards regarding my mental welfare. But fingers crossed that the birth goes wonderfully, and that it is a healing process for me in dealing with Robert's birth as well.

36 weeks - growth scan & cervix assessment

2010-09-09T21:47:00.002+01:00

Well what a day...

Robert went for a nap before lunchtime, I gave him a banana to tide him over til after his nap, and he slept for barely 30 minutes (out of a usual 1.5 hour) before he started screaming the place down. When it became apparent to me that that was it for his nap, I got him up, sorted out washing, got the changing bag packed, etc, gave him some lunch.

Appointment was at 2.10pm. Got there about 20 minutes early, and finally got in for the scan. Baby's tummy was almost on the top centile line, but leg was on the 50th, can't remember the head measurement! But estimated weight is 6lb 12oz at 36 weeks exactly.

Here is my gorgeous little baby...

Went up for the fetal health appointment. It took a while to get seen as the midwife was unwilling to do the cervix assessment as I wasn't 37 weeks yet, and had to wait for my consultant (who was around) to come out and do it herself. Finally got called through, asked if I wanted the toilet then to go into a designated room, strip off down there and get under a sheet... lol at dignities going out of the window!!

Anyway, cervix assessment when she finally came in (was sat there waiting for about 5-10 minutes) was apparently favourable for a 2nd time mum, she reckons only 2 tablets will do the trick. Anyway, long story short, although I'm still not 100% happy, on my good days I'm 60-70% happy, I think if I go in there well prepared I will stand a good chance, so induction date has been set for 25th September, if things go well and quickly I may be a mum by the evening, if not, hopefully the 26th. We shall see.

But in the meantime... natural labour vibes would be appreciated. Going to order a birth/exercise ball tomorrow, and start doing everything I can to bring it on naturally. At least I know that if I do go into labour now, baby is a decent weight and should do well. And two weeks time.. well baby might still be under 8lb. I'm shocked that I might actually get my 8lber this time!

35 weeks 5 days - another hormonal blip

2010-09-07T09:44:00.002+01:00

Friday's entry was written amidst my third hormonal blip. I hate them! I hate the fact that I cannot stop crying, and that my head is clouded by emotion and that the next morning, my head clears and I can see and feel things more clearly. I hate that during that day I feel like I don't want my baby or that I won't be able to cope with my baby. I hate the feeling that I am about to sink into days or weeks or months of feeling like that all day every day. I actually get scared because I recognise it all too well from when I was depressed as a teen (6 long months of feeling that way almost every day), and from my PND with Robert. I never had such bad hormonal days with Robert, and it scares me that they keep coming, and I just hope that I'm not having a blip on the day Squidge is being born, as I will need a calm head to relax and know what I'm doing.

I saw my midwife yesterday, and told her about my feelings towards induction, and I told her it was incredibly important to me that I have a positive birth experience this time, which she understood, but she didn't really provide any advice or compromises to help me see through the decision - maybe she feels that it would be unprofessional to do so, and not back the NHS guidelines? Or maybe she thinks it's a decision I have to make.

I must admit though, when my head is clear, I feel more positive about induction than when I'm having a blip. I still don't know if I will have one... but when my head is clear I know that I will cope, and I know there are things I can do to make it easier on myself. Mainly that being to prepare myself mentally for all eventualities, and to get myself thinking about what I would want to happen should my ideals not happen. I think doing that would give me some "control" back which so many women want and need during labour. But of course my hope is that Squidge will decide that s/he wants to make it into the world early by his/her own choice! ;)

I have a busy day coming up on Thursday. I am having my growth scan, followed by a followup appointment in fetal health to analyse the scan, and to assess my cervix and possibly book an induction date. And then after that I'll head into pathology and get them to take my 34 week blood tests (2 weeks late). I've had 3 extra blood tests this pregnancy. Getting quite used to having things stuck in my arms now. Plus all the blood with these prick tests 3 times daily.

One thing I really need to get cracking on is my hospital bag, and Robert's overnight bag. Reading up on induction, he may well need several days worth of clothes in there. I would imagine what would happen is that Robert spend a few days with the in-laws, Jonathan would probably want to be with me during the days, but in the nights unless it is seen that I will be giving birth imminently, Jonathan will probably sleep at his parents so he can spend time with Robert in the morning at least. I don't know what the policy is on children coming in during the induction process, I will have to ask that next Monday at my next midwife appointment, as by then I think I will probably have had to make up my mind either way. But if it is long and drawn out, with me being in hospital for several days BEFORE the birth... I do worry about how Robert will be not seeing me for that long. And how I'll be not seeing HIM for that long! I missed him like crazy when the other week I felt too poorly to look after him alone so the in-laws took him for the day. That was from 11am til 6pm-ish.. so it wasn't even 12 hours. If I'm away from him for 2 or 3 whole days I don't know how I would cope! So worth asking about!

Thanks for reading, and thanks Jemma, Meg and Becca for your comments on the last entry, it meant a lot reading them xxx

35 weeks 1 day - nothing is clearer

2010-09-03T10:24:00.003+01:00

I feel on the verge of tears today, and have been all morning. In fact I have already shed some tears. I feel no closer to understanding anything, to making a decision, to even managing to make any sense of my feelings and how that equates to anything with regards to Squidge's possible induction.

I am so scared of the possibility that this labour and birth will not go well due to induction procedures. I feel like it is INCREDIBLY important to me that my birth experience goes well, for my emotional wellbeing. I keep thinking back to Robert's birth, and the numbness I felt towards him in the days after his birth. I tried to feel the love I was supposed to feel towards him, and I managed to convince myself I did. I keep thinking back to the ambulance trip, and the midwife telling me that it was ok to cry. But I was so numb that no tears came, no tears were able to come for several hours. And then the tears that came, I don't know what tears they were, were they tears for my son being ill? Or tears for the fact that I hadn't bonded with him? Or tears of emotional and physical exhaustion?

I don't want to go through that again. My ideals of birth I think have loosened a little since Robert was born. My ideals now are that the baby is born pink and healthy, that we can get immediate cuddles, immediate feeding. My fear with induction is that if things don't go to plan, we might end up being rushed into theatre, have an emergency c-section, and then if that happens I won't get my immediate cuddles, in an emergency section baby will most likely be whisked off as soon as he is born to check he is ok at best, and be submitted to SCBU again at worst. (well, thats not the worse outcome, but I'm refusing to think of the worst outcome here)

One thing I will do is speak to the midwife about my concerns and fears, maybe she will be able to say something to put my mind at ease or to help me in some other way.

With all this stress and worry I am so scared that even with a natural birth I won't cope very well. The idea of my baby's birth is just so upsetting to me right now, I don't know if I even want the day to come at all. Maybe an elective c section is the way to go this time round if they'll let me, I don't know :( I'm crying as I write this, I just don't know what to do or think anymore. :(

34 weeks 6 days - induction thoughts

2010-09-01T21:52:00.004+01:00

Click back if you missed my post yesterday about Robert, or maybe click back after reading this one as it'll be something positive to end on...

Before I talk about my consultant appointment this afternoon, I wanted to write down (for remembering sake) about the dream I had last night, or should I say nightmare... I never had a dream like this with Robert, which were all about the birth, or scans, or (ahem) kinky ones... but this one I had last night was horrendous. I woke up basically on the verge of tears after I dreamed very vividly a tiger chasing and then catching, and.. well, to put it less graphically than I saw it in my dream.. eating Robert. I felt such an intense feeling of anguish and helplessness in the dream the second before I woke up, that it was all I could do not to rush into Robert's room, scoop him up out of his cot, and hold onto him for dear life. When I told Jonathan I dreamt that a tiger ate Robert, I don't think he realised just how vivid the dream was for me as he made a joke about it, when actually I was pretty distressed about it. I've heard people saying how vivid dreams can be during pregnancy but I've never experienced anything quite like that before :( I really hope that's the only vivid nightmare I have to endure...

Anyway.. consultant appointment. BP and wee fine. Baby's 4/5 palpable (or at least that's what I think the notes say, the consultant's handwriting is very difficult to read), and did a lovely few wriggles during heartbeat monitoring.

Then came the rest of it. She said to me about induction, I reiterated that if I was favourable when checked I'd agree to induction at 38 weeks. Then she answered some questions, which has left me extremely nervous (at best) about the induction. I think a closer description would be terrified.

If I'm not favourable next week (at either 35+6 or 36 weeks) then I will be left til 39+6 weeks. If I've not already had the baby by then I will most likely be booked in for an induction for the next few days then, although goodness knows if I will be able to fight it, or if I will even want to, or whether I feel like I will have to.

I do kind of feel like I am in a state of limbo at the moment, not given all the facts, or given all of one side and not of the other.. I feel a little pulled in both directions right now. The first is my overwhelming thought that I do NOT want to be induced... the second that if I am not induced I will be increasing the risk to the baby's welfare. I am absolutely terrified of another bad birth experience, I really am. Obviously I want a baby that is alive and well, but if I can possibly have a good birth experience and a baby that is alive and well, I want that (of course). But at the moment I just don't know what way to turn. I am hoping beyond hope that Squidge will take all decision making out of my hands and make his way into the world by himself early. :( I hope things will become clearer to me over the next few days, as I kind of have to make a decision by this time next week, before they possibly book an induction for me.

The only silver lining is that due to my blood test to show my sugar levels over the last month coming back at 5.4% (target 6 or under), they are happy for me to self-test and administer during labour unless my levels go over 8.0mmol.

34 weeks 5 days - sweet morning kisses

2010-08-31T21:20:00.003+01:00

This entry is for the memory banks, because it is something that I don't wish to be lost in time. Every morning, Jonathan goes and gets Robert when he wakes, and brings him into bed with us.

Robert loves his morning milky, and immediately he's placed on the bed, he scoots up the bed to me, pulls the covers down, and settles himself in between us, snuggled closely into my body, his little hand resting on me and his head gently on my arm. He nurses for a long time in the mornings. And carries on coming on and off for the hour (!) we usually spend upstairs waking up together.

This morning, he snuggled up to me as usual, and after 10-15 minutes, hearing Daddy start to snore again lightly, he lifted his head up, said "Dada?" and when Jonathan replied, he lifted himself up, moved over to Jonathan, said "Dada" again, and kissed him :) Then he looked at me, said "Mama", kissed me, and settled back down for more milky.

It was such a precious moment, one that I will treasure forever. I love our morning ritual, our cuddles all three of us in bed, the soft tender look in his face as he nurses. He is so relaxed and happy in bed with us in the morning, and I love our gentle and loving start to the day. I love that he so obviously loves us, and enjoys his closeness with us.

He is such a loving, affectionate boy, but also playful, cheeky, and so so independant and curious! He loves new games, and finds great hilarity in some of them, his face lights up as he beams, laughs loudly, and does it again :)

His grandad (Jonathan's dad) often teaches him new games, and his new one is seeing a closed fist, he will blow on it, and expects the hand (or just the thumb) to pop out or open. :) He finds it absolutely hilarious when it does and blows on our hands in quick succession to make it happen again! He also is fascinated by "magic" tricks. Obviously very simple tricks, such as passing objects from one hand to the other, or hiding an object somewhere without him seeing it, the look of surprise on his face when it's not where he expects it to be is so funny, as is the look of absolute glee when he does find it! Sometimes he's not so easily fooled, and knows where it's gone, in which occasions, his laugh of glee is that much louder. :)

Robert, while he is such a placid boy, he is getting his tantrummy moments, although they're never *very* bad. I've yet to see him throw himself down on the floor and pound it with his fists or the like. He's also discovered "no", and uses it very often during the day whenever he's asked to do something he doesn't want to do!

He's also got a very strong liking for "eeeee-ee" now, and goes up to the bookshelf, picks up the TV remote and looks at me saying "eeee-ee" whenever he wants it on. He wants it on a lot. I try to keep it turned off in the morning for several hours, but I must admit I do find it a useful tool if I need to get any jobs done, he is usually happy intermittantly watching TV and playing with his toys, although occasionally I will hear a loud "MAMA??" as he wonders where I am! He seems to love "Show me show me" on Cbeebies with Chris and Poi, and he likes "Our Planet" as he's very into animals and will often make the sounds of the animals as they come up on the screen or say their names. He finds Waybaloo hilarious now, and often yells "GOGO!" when the chimes start playing, signalling the start of "yogo", and bursts into fits of laughter when the Piplings float about in the opening and closing credits :) It's nice when we go to groups, or have the in-laws around, because those days his TV watching is much more limited. It seems easier to keep Robert entertained with different people around him, or in a different setting, and he never misses "eeee-ee" in these situations.

I do find it absolutely astonishing and amazing what a little boy he has become, he is definitely no longer a baby, and hasn't been for a long time now, but rather a very independant-minded cheeky funloving boy who still cherishes his snuggle times with Mama :) I find myself cherishing every snuggle, like I just want to stay in that moment forever. Drinking in every grin, and holding on to every word and precious sound I know he uses to mean something specific. I adore the night time cuddles he gives us before he goes to bed, where he lays his head down on our chest, and his sweet kisses which are still open mouthed but getting less so as time goes on. I will miss his sweet open mouthed kisses when they go! I am clinging onto every single piece of "babyhood" that Robert has left, because before long they will all disappear! But I'm sure I shall enjoy his new "big boy" stage just as much, and his little brother or sister will be around to pick up the "babyhood" when he lets it go!

34 weeks 2 days - preparations

2010-08-28T21:45:00.004+01:00

How crazy is it that it seems almost every time I update here the weeks seem to be one higher than the one before? The time is going so quickly. I thought it would drag once I got the diabetes diagnosis, but actually, it seems to have sped up. Especially since my consultant appointment!

The fact that they want to induce me at 38 weeks... something I have decided I would be happy with given the right circumstances "down there"... is making everything whoosh by in a blink of an eye. Not long til it's September, the most likely month of my baby's birth. I still can't believe it, that I might be having a baby NEXT MONTH when I had it in my head all along that it would be October.

I don't know what day they would want to do it, but if it is the date I am 38 weeks exactly it will be 23rd September. That is less than ONE month away. In fact it is 3 weeks 5 days away. I am scared, yet excited. There is so much to do, and one of those is sorting out the baby's sleeping arrangements. Of course in our room with us, but we have no moses basket (didn't have one with R, he went straight into the cotbed), and no other bed for R, so we went shopping today. Mainly window shopping, planning on buying a toddler bed for him, but in the end decided to buy a cot (not a cotbed) for Squidge, and we will convert his cotbed into the bed setting soon. We also needed more bedding and sheets, so bought those, and we'll be buying the cot on the internet.

Then we will be cleaning and tidying and packing away like CRAZY upstairs - lots of things to tidy out of reach for when Robert goes into his bed as he'll have free reign of everything in his room then! Going up in the loft etc to put things up and bring things down. It'll all be done hopefully before the baby is born but of course some things need to be prioritised!

Squidge is still somewhat of a wriggler. No big kicks as such anymore, but plenty of wriggles and "getting comfy" motions. I do find myself wondering what Squidge will look like, whether Squidge is a boy or a girl, what we'll call him if it's a boy, whether we'll keep our minds the same if it's a girl, how much hair, how the birth will go, how quickly I'll fall headfirst in love (unfortunately it took a while with Robert due to all those issues surrounding his birth). I also look forward to what the next 4 weeks bring. If my late pregnancy niggles will be as bad or not (weird thing to look forward to I guess, but maybe it's because so far they haven't been as bad??!!)

Also looking forward to all the rolling sweeping rippling movements on my belly, watching it bubble up and down. :) Less than 4 weeks. WOW. I really can't comprehend it!

33 weeks 3 days - update, diabetes consultant.

2010-08-22T22:11:00.002+01:00

I saw the diabetes consultant on Wednesday (at 32 weeks 6 days). Due to my diabetes, they want to induce me 2 weeks early at 38 weeks. Having had a few days to process this, I am reluctant to say yes if my cervix is not ready, but if it is ready I will most likely accept induction. They are happy to leave it to 40 weeks if I have twice-weekly monitoring but do not want my pregnancy to last any longer. I know I can refuse induction if I want to even then, but for now, I want to wait and see what happens.

I have an appointment on the 1st September again with the diabetes consultant, and as far as I am aware, I am going to get an internal on that date for them to assess my cervix. I will be 34 weeks 6 days pregnant then.

I am also expecting a growth scan date to come through the post for when I am around 36 weeks pregnant.

I am seeing Beverley (my midwife) again on the 6th September, so hopefully that won't clash with my scan.

I am thinking that I will accept induction if my cervix is getting ready. And I am actually getting quite eager about meeting my little baby, so I am going to try some home remedies to get it ready, so I am going to buy some raspberry leaf tea on Tuesday, going to try and get a birthing ball, extra walking, and so on. Not actually necessarily the labour inducing stuff, but the things that would help soften and shorten my cervix.

I will be 38 weeks pregnant on the 23rd September. I don't know if they would induce me bang on 38 weeks, but I think if I was... providing I'm ready... wow, my two children could both be born on the 23rd of the month! Robert would be exactly 22 months old if Squidge is born on 23rd September. I feel quite gobsmacked thinking that I could be giving birth a MONTH from tomorrow. When I found out I was pregnant, and due on 7th October, it never once crossed my mind that my baby could be a September baby. Robert came bang on time, but there was always the feeling that Squidge would be late.

I will be offered a sweep at 37 weeks, which would be my preferred method of induction if it works alone.

A week ago I felt a little depressed, and annoyed whenever anyone said to me "not long to go now" - for the record, I am NEVER saying that to a pregnant woman ever again unless she is in labour!!! Even if they only have 1 week to go, or a few days to go, or overdue! I now am feeling quite upbeat. I think the knowledge that if I want to I will be induced at 38 weeks has made a world of difference. It's like I know that if I get really fed up or in pain, or whatever, and I do just think "lets get the baby out" I will be able to at 38 weeks, and in fact they WANT me to. Even though at the moment I want to say no unless I am ready, if I change my mind I know my option is there, and that is just a nice comforting feeling I know from a completely selfish point of view but there we go!

Anyway so that's my situation!!

This weekend we went to Kent to see my family. I saw my brother and sister-in-law with my nephew Ewan as well which was lovely. The two boys got on better together than they did in November, but there were some sharing issues lol. Squidge and I got a lot of attention, particularly today at my Dad's party with a lot of people around. The boys got a lot of attention too, and there were so many people around it was hard to stay with Robert all the time, but there were always people around to stop anything from happening, and my step-mum's three nieces and nephews who are 13 and 14 were eager to play with both boys and keep them entertained, so I felt ok to sit and relax a bit.

Robert has had a bit of trouble with his routine this weekend with regards to nap and sleep, which resulted in a VERY grumpy and tearful little boy on Saturday night, who cried when he had to say goodbye to his Nanna, and who cried when he saw his other grandad and grandma, didn't want his teeth brushed, or his story read, or even milky, and just wanted to play with cars and threw a major tantrum and even when we put him to bed, we could hear him sobbing and calling out "car car!" He finally fell asleep but then he woke up half an hour earlier than normal the next morning, and getting him down for a nap at the normalish time (in an attempt to get his routine back on track) was a pain! But he slept then for a good amount of time, and once he was in the bath tonight before we set out for home, he was fine (although being persuaded to part from his teenage entertainers and supply of toy cars was a challenge!), and he fell asleep in the car home, and stayed sleepy after waking up when we arrived home, so he's fast asleep in his cot so here's hoping for a return to routine and a nice long sleep tonight!

Squidge is still nice and active, I get mainly wriggles and feet/elbows/hands brushing about, less kicks but when I do get a kick, they sometimes take my breath away and HURT! I love laying down and seeing Squidge wriggle about in there. I find it very comforting, and each day that passes my love and eagerness to meet Squidge grows.

There is always the feeling I think when you become pregnant with your second child, about how much you will be able to love them, how could you ever love your second child like you love your first. As the days and weeks go by, I just KNOW I will fall in love the second I see Squidge. I can't wait to call Squidge by his/her name (Boy's name STILL not decided, it probably won't be Christopher anymore but I really don't know!!!). I still have the feeling that Squidge is a girl, but tonight when I was making some tea, I don't know why but I suddenly imagined Squidge here, as a boy, and thinking "wow, a mum of 2 boys!" and that thought left a warm soft feeling inside me like I just know that even if Squidge isn't a girl like my instincts are telling me, that I will love my two boys so much, I will love BEING a mum to two boys! And strangely enough it felt at that moment "more right" if Squidge is a boy. Such an odd odd feeling but I just know that everything will be alright. My little Squidge... maybe connecting to the idea of having a boy will make it easier to find a name I like for a boy.

For now... we shall wait and see. I might only have another 4 weeks and 4 days to go of this pregnancy! It seems like such a short time now, and it really won't be long before I am beginning my next chapter, as a mum of TWO children!

32 weeks 5 days - why is it...?

2010-08-17T12:57:00.002+01:00

Why is it I look at people's newborn baby photos, and want to cry? I ache to be the one holding the baby in the photograph, to be looking down in awe and amazement at the tiny baby in my arms, the look of love so clear on my face for all to see.

I ache to feel the warmth of my tiny baby on my chest, to hold their little hand and marvel at how tiny it is compared to their big brother's hand! I ache to run my finger over my tiny baby's cheek and feel the surge of love as my finger gets latched onto! I ache for my own babymoon. I ache to see Robert's face as he first sees his tiny baby brother or sister. I ache so much writing all this down that my chest actually hurts, and the tears well up in my eyes.

I know that my baby would be in special/intensive care if s/he was to be born now. I don't want the baby to be born NOW. But I do want to see him/her soon. I know that in the long term, 2 months IS soon. But when you are pregnant, two months seem like an eternity. Even though this pregnancy has gone fast, I think "how can I ever be 32 weeks already?" I also think that it was a long time ago I was sat on the edge of my bath tub, shaking as I saw the second line slowly appearing on that test. And I think how much these next few weeks will most likely drag. And get more uncomfortable.

I so do not want to moan here, I feel so lucky that I am having another baby, and my heart fills with joy at the thought of meeting them, and bringing them home to join our family. And I know however uncomfortable I will get, each sleepless night and each groan as I attempt to get off the sofa, and each foot digging painfully into my ribs or poking right out of the side of my belly will all be worth it, for the many years of joy I will get in return. I moaned a lot with Robert. Boy did I moan. Please comment, and tell me off if I do here again! And remind me of the end result. :)

Many thanks in advance!!

32 weeks 1 day - no illusions

2010-08-13T22:26:00.003+01:00

I had my midwife appointment on Monday, the day after my last proper post. As well as all the usual checks (coming out fine as usual) we talked about my upcoming consultant appointment on the 18th with the diabetes consultant.

I decided on Monday morning I think to do a little research into how labour is different for diabetic women, and therefore what the diabetes consultant may say to me. I am under no illusions that I will have a hospital birth strongly recommended (lol) to me, but also I have read about other things.

Some background (just to hopefully make things a little easier to understand). Blood sugar levels can be affected not only by what you eat, but also how much exercise you do, as the more exercise, the more your body burns the easily accessible sugar for fuel. Given that labour is an intense form of exercise, blood glucose levels should be monitored carefully throughout labour to ensure that not only do they get too high, but also that they don't get too low, as that can cause faintness, dizziness, and other problems.

For this reason most diabetic women are put on a drip throughout labour to monitor their sugar levels and to administer insulin/glucose as necessary. Of course if you go on the drip you need to be in hospital.

However it is possible to do without the drip, by making sure that blood sugar levels are tested regularly throughout labour and measures taken to even it out. Fast acting insulin in the case of too high sugar levels, or a glass of orange juice to quickly raise sugar levels.

Having not seen the consultant yet, my initial thoughts are that I want to avoid the drip... I have read that it can in some cases give the incorrect doses out and unnecessarily raise glucose levels too much meaning that your baby when it's born does in fact have elevated blood sugar levels which can lead to a crash when the cord is cut. I have been thinking a lot about things, and as if you have been reading my blog for a while will probably appreciate that this decision hasn't come lightly, but I am thinking that I will more likely than not have a hospital birth this time. With the extra risks that come to the baby from me having diabetes, the chance of needing special care is higher than if I didn't. While I do think that it must be lovely having a home birth where everything goes right, and you get to curl up in your own bed afterwards, have a bath in your own home, be in comfortable and familiar surroundings, eat whatever you want as your next meal after the baby's born... the thought of that being reality is so far away for me. I thought I'd get it with Robert, and I didn't. The fact that I am diabetic this time and the higher likelihood for treatment and complications is making me doubt that home is the right place this time round. For me, I think that if anything did mean that my baby needs special care, it will be less traumatic if I was already in hospital, than what happened with Robert.

Over the weekend I will be compiling a list of questions to ask the consultant. I am confident that this one will be a lot more useful than the previous one with the general consultant I saw a few weeks back. I will also be jotting down ideas for my birth plan as I'm fairly certain that it will be handy to get my wishes straight in my own head, but this may well be something to think about after my appointment on Wednesday.

Something else I will be doing with regards to the birth, is pre-expressing milk for the baby. I have read that with diabetic mothers, if the baby does not feed well after the birth, they are pushed into giving the baby formula, something I do also want to avoid this time round. I probably won't be expressing any until at least 35 weeks, and I probably will wait til 37 weeks to be sure the milk is as appropriate as possible. I don't know how well that will go, I had a great deal of trouble expressing milk for Robert when he was born, I managed barely 2ml of changing milk let alone colostrum, so I'm hoping that pre-expressing will go ok.

I do wonder if I will be offered an early induction. I suspect this will only be the case if I am scanned and baby is measuring big, and maybe not even then as I have given birth to a 10lb baby so we will see. But I am wondering if I would accept an early induction. That's a bridge to cross when/if I come to it I guess.

Anyway, I took a new belly photo yesterday. Here it is, along with comparison with Robert's same gestation picture!

Squidge

Robert

Squidge's Ultrasound Gallery

2010-08-12T13:50:00.004+01:00

Long time overdue but here are Squidge's scan pictures all in one place!

First scan was at 11 weeks gestation. There really was a baby in there!

Second scan was at 21 weeks 1 day gestation. We decided not to find out Squidge's sex, although I saw something at the beginning that could have been boy (or the cord!) and saw something at the end which could have been girl (or just erm.. my imagination!)

Facing head on to the scanner as if to say "what's that??!!" hehe!

Squidge's little foot :)

Facing away from us "leave me along I want to sleep!"

Flipped upside down here! The last one was the best profile shot we got so I'm a little disappointed!

Third scan was at 36 weeks, for growth. Baby weighed in at 6lb 12oz which was on around the 97th centile for that gestation, but not above 100 thank goodness lol. Anyway we got a cute profile pic finally :D Luckily the sonographer got a pic first of all because after checking the tummy and leg measurements, she went back up to the face and Squidge had gone all shy and was covering his/her face with an arm! Hehe!

31 weeks 3 days - HORMONES! Arghh!

2010-08-08T22:17:00.004+01:00

Well yesterday saw another BLIP in the old hormones level. I had a horrendous night's sleep which didn't help, due to newly acquired suspected thrush! First time having it, boy this baby doesn't like to give me an easy time of it! Now, despite the heartburn, swollen ankles, SPD, I am thinking what an EASY time I had of it with Robert!!! Well last night's sleep wasn't all to do with thrush, part of it was due to Jonathan. I was already awake-ish when he came to bed, due to suspected thrush, then he woke me up more... then he fell asleep and started SNORING arghhhh! Then Squidge decided that was a good time to wake up and start playing football and gymnastics with my insides. So I had sleep from 8pm (went to bed early as I was sooo tired with no nap!!) til 11pm, then I was awake from 11pm til 3.30am-ish. I was NOT impressed when I looked at the time!! Went downstairs to get away from the freight train next to me, and despite loud ticking clock I managed to get to sleep, until I was woken up at 5am when Robert started crying. Went back upstairs, climbed into bed next to the quieter train (due to also being woken up by little mister), and promptly fell asleep until proper waking up time at 7ish.

So yes, not a brilliant night's sleep, but probably better than some I have tolerated in the past!! But having been tired before hand anyway I really could have done with the 8pm-7am unbroken sleep that I was aiming for!!! So yesterday I was a bag of tiredness, itchiness, painfulness, and generally fed up to my hind teethedness, and at one point was curled up on the bed with J and R downstairs, crying into a nightie with such emotional pain that it made me draw my knees up as high as Squidge would allow. Jonathan came up after a while as I was going into the bathroom for some tissue, and seemed horrified and worried to see me in such a state.

While I was on the bed I did feel like just BAWLING as loud as I could but didn't want to because of Robert downstairs. I only remember one other time feeling that intensely, strangely enough it wasn't around Robert's birth, the tears came easier and quieter somehow then. It was when my ex-boyfriend broke up with me over the phone, in the middle of my teenage depression, while I was in school. Everyone was in lessons, I skipped my double maths lesson and just walked around the school field bawling my head off, not caring about how loud I was because there was no-one else around.

But anyway, yesterday. I went and hugged Jonathan as best I could with banister in the way and bump, and he did the sweetest thing he knew what to do. "Do you want a cup of tea?" I think I might have laughed at that point, he knows me too well to know that sometimes there are no words he can say, no real comfort he can bestow on me at that moment in time, sometimes all I need is to get back to normality and know that he cares, and that's his way of showing it. So he told me to come downstairs, and that he'd make me a cup of tea. I still felt like any moment fresh tears would erupt but the "bawly" moment had passed. Robert was getting on with playing with his cars on the carpet (MUST get him a road mat!!).

The afternoon went well, and I got a decent amount of sleep last night, so despite itchiness, fed-up-ness regarding all over the place blood sugar readings etc, I felt less tired and a lot less grumpy!

Something that seems stronger in a good way lately is the ferociousness of my love towards Robert. I look at him so often during the day, just look at his sweet face, and my heart fills up with love and I just think to myself "I LOVE this boy so much!" He is really no trouble at all, he is such a good sweet boy, who is showing more thoughtfulness and cheekiness and lovely scrumminess each day! Today I almost burst into happy tears when we got ready to go out (to toys r us, to buy him a sandpit!) and we told him we were going out, so he stood up, grabbed his big yellow monster truck (first thought: he was going to ignore us and carry on playing!) and went and put it in his car box! Then went and found some more cars, and put those in his box! We hadn't asked him to put his toys away but he just did it, went around and found all the cars on the floor, and put them away! (he missed one on his table which we took with us for him to play with in the car) I was so proud I can barely describe it!

When my dad called earlier this evening, Robert was still up, so after talking to him, I asked him if he wanted to talk to Robert, and well he can be shy on the phone! If asked to say hello or goodbye he simply waves and doesn't say anything! So I suggested to my dad that he ask him some animal noises. Robert can't resist making animal noises when someone asks him! So that way they get to hear him on the phone and he gets to hear them. Another good way to get him to talk on the phone is ask him to repeat words he knows. Car is a good one "Gar!!", as is zebra and tractor (pronounced breh-bra and braah-bra respectively! Very similar sounding! Both with very elongated R sounds in both parts!) Tiger is "Gie-gah!", banana is "nya-na". Another funny one is garlic, which he pronounced "Gar-yar" or occasionally "gar-lar" (he's seen me sat peeling garlic before which is how he's picked that up!)

He does do his best bless him and it's so sweet hearing his little words with his limited sound abilities. I'm pretty sure he's getting the hang of a very select few 2 word "sentences". One, mostly by habit, we ask him to repeat it, as he has a big blue car upstairs that he plays with in the morning, being "woo gar" (blue car), and the other which seemed to come entirely spontaneously today was "dada car" (daddy's car)

Something that melts my heart is the way now if he is still awake when Jonathan gets home, he hears the door open and close, stops what he is doing, looks at me with a questioning look, and says "dada?" at which point I can't help but laugh and say "yes, daddy's here, he's coming up the stairs!" and if he's in the bath he will sit and stare at the door until Jonathan pokes his head around, at which point he grins and says "Dada!", or if he is on the bed with me reading, or in the middle of pre-bed milky, he will climb off, run to the stair gate, and yell "DADA!" as he watches Jonathan comes upstairs. :) It must really make Jonathan's day coming home to that :) Robert loves his daddy so much! Apparently yesterday while I was catching up on sleep Jonathan took Robert out, and during their trip out apparently Robert seemed to miss me and ask "mama?" which is so sweet :) But then he says "mamam" for satsuma as well so maybe he was hungry and wanting some fruit haha!

I love my little boy so much :)

30 weeks 5 days - blip

2010-08-03T10:00:00.002+01:00

Well, it seems that day I posted about last was a blip. I haven't felt even remotely as bad since I woke up the next morning, so I guess it was the whole situation with that person (still not resolved, but I couldn't care less anymore - I'm letting her be as immature and petty as she wants, I've made it more than obvious I am here to talk to so if she wants to grow up she knows where I am), and the antibiotics. I think if I will be off them by tomorrow lunchtime. So hopefully that'll clear up the infection. I'll ask Beverley to send off my urine sample when I see her next week just to make sure.

Squidge has been doing fewer somersaults and big body movements lately. Which I'm thinking is one of two reasons - another growth spurt, or just getting too big to make such movements anymore. I am no longer feeling that sicky knot in the pit of my stomach when I think forward to October, but in fact looking forward to it as I should be, and seeing photos of squishy newborns snuggled up on their mothers chests just make me melt into a big puddle of goo and makes me so eager to have the same again!

Robert is still breastfeeding. I thought he would have self weaned by now, but he picked back up with a vengeance about a week after his minimal interest, and this morning he was snuggled up to me on the bed for at least 20 minutes (on and off, he likes to see if the other one tastes any different!!), and the sight of him so content and peaceful, snuggling up to mummy like that makes my heart melt. :) He never breastfeeds to sleep anymore, the nighttime milky is simply cuddle time, wind down time and routine I suppose. And he'll pull off and sign "bed" when he's ready to go to sleep :) I really should try and get photos of him signing, it is quite sweet. The words he signs (and makes no attempt to say) are more, milk, drink, sleep, finished.

Anyway, I should probably post here about the diabetes. I am injecting insulin once daily for breakfast, and getting used to it slowly. I have to squirt out some before each injection like you see in the hospital dramas etc, and the stuff stinks :( Then I have to remember to prick my finger an hour after meals as well. With my tiredness lately it makes the lunchtime blood sugar reading tricky as I have to time Robert's nap and me eating so that he goes down for a nap an hour after I've had lunch so I can do my blood sugar level then go and have a nap with him immediately.

My morning levels are still high despite the insulin, so having been introduced to a diabetes forum dedicated to low-carbing I think this might be the way to go. I was planning on doing so anyway after the baby was born to try and lose the weight I need to to get to a healthy weight, but since finding out I've got diabetes, and the fact that my morning sugar levels are hard to control, I think I will ease into low carbing (which basically removes bread, potatoes and pasta/rice from my diet along with unnecessary sugars, I'm not going extreme low carbing and removing all forms of sugar/carbs from my diet, so I am keeping all fruit and veg in). I am going to start with breakfast, try and start eating low carb breakfasts to sort out my levels, and ease into low carbs with other meals by cutting down on bread/potatoes etc. So this weekly shop will include a big box of eggs, meats, vegetables and salads. :) Hopefully I'll feel less lethargic and maybe after the baby's born if I can get everything under check I will lose lots of weight, so be physically able to be more energetic to deal with two small children. I am feeling very positive to be able to lose weight once the baby is born, I don't know how much I weigh at the moment... hmm let me see.. 215lbs clothed... which is... 15 stone 5lb! Not bad at all actually!!! Seeing as I was 14 stone when I got pregnant! And I was 15 stone 11 lb at 21 weeks with Robert!!! Assuming I put on another stone before the baby's born (which is a generous over-estimate, here's hoping I only get to 16 stone!)... which once the baby's born I may well be back down to 15 stone with baby weight, waters/placenta.... which will leave me just 3 stone to lose to get to my 12 stone 1 year post partum goal! And then another year to get to my ideal goal of 10 stone.

Well, what a great positiveness to end this post on. :)

30 weeks 1 day - feeling down.

2010-07-30T20:42:00.004+01:00

I have had a pretty bad day today.

This morning I found out that a friend of mine is annoyed at me for something I did on Monday. Basic story - her son came over and started hitting Robert for no reason. This boy has a tendancy to hit and has been doing it a lot lately, whereupon the mum will tell him off (not as I would do it, but at least she is trying). As I was nearby (closer to the boys than this friend of mine), I said to the boy "No, please don't hit Robert, he doesn't like it." calmly and firmly, before picking him up, lifting him over me and putting him on the floor the other side of me, away from Robert. I picked him up instead of Robert because he was closer and my aim was to stop Robert from getting hit as soon as possible. Her son then went on to try and hit a few other children, and she took him out of the room and left. This morning one of the staff said to me that she'd heard there was an "issue", which left me rather confused as I'd put the incident out of my mind and thought no more of it.

Just before group ended I went over to her and my other friend, she then made her excuses and left to go home. I touched her shoulder and asked if she was ok, to which I got a brief and cold "yes" before she walked away. Then when I got home, found out she'd blocked me from viewing her wall (yet not deleted me from her friends) on facebook. Judging by lack of statuses from her in my feed I'm guessing she did that on Monday as the last thing I heard from her was on Monday morning. I'm upset and to be honest quite annoyed that she has not approached me to talk about it as it has clearly been bothering her for 4 days, I would have afforded my friends the courtesy of talking to them instead of ignoring them and bearing a grudge over something she doesn't even know why I did it. I messaged her at 2pm with a very polite message and 7 hours later no reply... So that's point one that makes me feel shit today.

Then this afternoon I got a phonecall from the GP saying that the urine sample they sent off from my consultant appointment had shown I have an infection and that there was a prescription of antibiotics waiting for me there. So along with the 3 times daily 1 hour after mealtime finger prick tests, the insulin injections before breakfast, I now have to remember to take antibiotics 4 times a day for 5 days.

I feel right now that whatever can go wrong with this pregnancy will go wrong, I'll end up taking tablets, injections gallore, plus the million and one appointments to last til I pop this baby out. I'm thoroughly expecting to be told that my 28 week blood tests I had done on Wednesday will come back that I'm low on iron and need tablets for that too. I'm just sitting here and feeling like I'm going to burst into tears. I know I know I know that some women have it worse than me. That to hear me moan would make them want to slap me and tell me to suck it up, or worse.

On one hand I just feel like I want to climb into bed, and wake up in October and have the baby and be done with the whole being pregnant thing. But on the other hand, I'm now getting the horrid feeling that I don't want this baby to come, that when the baby arrives I won't be able to cope and I get that horrid feeling in my stomach that I had with Robert in the early weeks when I think about the new baby being here.

Please be aware that I am realising how this sounds, that it sounds like I could have ante-natal depression. Right now I don't know if it's because I've had a particularly bad day, or because I am starting to become depressed. I will be waiting it out for another week or so, see how I feel then, if I still feel down the majority of the time I will tell my midwife on my next visit, which is on the 9th August, or if it's particularly bad in the meantime, make an appointment to see a doctor.

29 weeks 6 days

2010-07-28T20:14:00.004+01:00

Well I'm now on insulin for my diabetes, hurrah. Although I am tempted to see what happens at breakfast tomorrow and then maybe start Friday morning on it. I've also had to have my 28 week bloods done again this morning, because they couldn't find the results from when they supposedly did them at the same time as my GTT.

I can't believe how different Squidge's pregnancy is than his/her brother's. Not only because of the diabetes but also how my heartburn is less than with Robert's (so far), I've had a few niggles with it, and had to take gaviscon a couple of times, but by August 2008 it was bad enough that I had to get a prescription and from then on was taking it regularly, bearing in mind it's almost August now and I'm 7 weeks furthur on than I was with Robert at that time of the year. Maybe it will get worse, who knows?

But also, Squidge is constantly on the move, constantly squirming, waving arms/legs/head around. Beverley said Squidge was breech when I saw her on Monday. Although she seemed a little uncertain. Sometimes I think she's right and others I don't, I think Squidge must be having fun doing somersaults all the time in there! When she checked the position prior to checking the heartbeat, she must have woke Squidge up, who then went crazy! She had just asked me about Squidge's movements, and I said they were fine, then "ah, there we go!" and sure enough Squidge was wriggling, squirming, kicking around so much while Beverley was trying to get the heartbeat I was actually wondering if she'd manage to check it ok!! Robert was never like that, he was pretty chilled out during antenatal checks, occasionally gave a boot to the doppler, but then that was it!

The last two times she's actually felt Squidge move herself, so much so she put in my notes "FM - Good" (fetal movement) whereas before, and with Robert it was simply "FM" or "FMF" (fetal movement felt).

Does make me wonder if I'm going to have my hands full with Squidge, s/he is always on the move it seems. Of course having plenty of sleep times, but awake times - boy, I sure do know about it!!! Part of me is wondering if that's where all my energy is going - to Squidge!!! As s/he seems to have tonnes of it and I'm just SO. TIRED. all the time lately. Every day I wake up and wish I could have more sleep. Every day I have to nap with Robert. And then I'm itching to go to bed at barely 9pm every night, sometimes even at 8, 8.30. But then another thing it could be is the diabetes. Or maybe I'm anaemic this time, I guess I'll find out at my next midwife appointment on the 9th August. It would just be my luck I suppose to be anaemic as well, and have to take iron tablets.

Anyway, 30 weeks tomorrow. I can hardly believe it. 10 weeks from now I am due to be cuddling a second tiny baby which seems just crazy. And still a little surreal to be honest. I remember feeling the same with Robert, finding it difficult to imagine the reality that I am actually growing a BABY and that it won't really be long until it's here, with us, as a part of our family. I do actually also wonder if activity in the womb has a bearing on when they're likely to be born, will the fact that Squidge is ultra active mean s/he is born at an earlier gestation than Robert? Probably not I'm sure there are plenty of people who can disprove this with their babies.

Anyway I shall leave you with a few recent photos of my gorgeous boy (who's getting more and more grown up by the day!)

Robert's "grin" face :)

Peeking out of a bird hide at a country park, he was looking at some ducks on the lake.

Eating his dinner. We put out a fork every meal or a spoon depending on the meal, and we encourage him to use it but we don't put pressure on him, I'm sure he'll use it all the time when he's ready!

Playing with the goats at a local kiddie farm, they are allowed to go in the pens as long as they don't chase the goats!

Picking strawberries at Grandma's house, he loved this!

Sitting at his table, he loves to sit here and colour, or read books, or eat his snack and lunch. I've started to give him his sandwich at his table, and it's going pretty well although he often has a lot of half eaten bits of sandwich on the plate at the end! I ask him to sit back down if he's eating and only let him wander off if he's finished (which he now signs to me by the way!)

Enjoying the see-saw :)

Bath time fun :) This is his "mischeivous" look he gets, at this point he was sliding himself up and down the bath mat while holding on to the railings!

Caterpillar! Fascinated by it, he also found one today, but then after he put it down, he stepped on it and killed it :(

Coming to touch the baby ;) He doesn't really understand it I don't think, I guess it is a pretty tough concept for him to get.

And lastly, this photo: Goodness knows what provoked this expression, I have a feeling it was just one of those amazing captures from just a variety of expressions if you know what I mean!

29 weeks! Appointment updates and belly picture

2010-07-22T09:57:00.002+01:00

Hello! Well I am now 29 weeks! I can't believe I'm 1 week away from 30 weeks! Then I'll be in my 30s all the way until baby is born (give or take a few weeks haha!)

Squidge is so so so active, I'm thinking as time goes on that s/he MUST be more active than Robert was. I'm sooo looking forward to meeting him/her and finding out whether it is a him or a her!

Facebookers will know that my appointments this week were either end of the spectrum. The consultant appointment on Monday was a waste of time, pure and simple. We waited in the waiting room for an hour and a half past our appointment time, to be told that he'd prefer me to have the baby in hospital (but he wouldn't "lock me up in here" if I decided not to), that I probably wouldn't have any growth scans, and that I needed to see the diabetic consultant. His reasoning for him preferring me to have a hospital birth was purely and simply because Robert was big and his delivery was tough. Well, without knowing if Squidge is going to be big for certain what use is that??? I am very much hoping that my diabetes consultant appointment gives me more acceptable answers that are relating to SQUIDGE'S birth, and not Robert's.

Yesterday I had my appointment with the diabetic nurse and the dietician. Which was very informative and has put my mind at rest regarding a lot of things. I have been given a finger prick kit and taught how to use it, and been told that as long as my blood sugar levels are below 7.8 that's fine, and to wait an hour after each meal before testing. My breakfast of toast with jam brought my sugar levels to 7.2 after an hour (and 10 minutes) so that's good :) Will try again tomorrow and see if maybe any less jam does the same. Or maybe try my usual cereal and see what happens with that. The next two days are really about experimenting, seeing how high my usual meals and eating habits send my sugar levels, and then the weekend will be about adjusting that.

Anyway, so that's that :)

I had a good birthday weekend, I saw my mum and she was thrilled to spend so much time with Robert (and delighted in his new speaking, and his running around on tip toes!). For my birthday present she took me to matalan and helped me pick out some new tops I could wear as maternity (they weren't specifically maternity clothing yet again, but they look great with my bump!)

I got this one in this pink and in a green...

I got this one which will be great for BF after the baby is born too!

I got this one in green and white stripes..

And I got another one which I can't actually find on the website :( It's quite a long one with a nice funky blue pattern on it, I do actually wonder if it's a dress but I would never wear it as such ;)

Anyway here is my 28 week belly shot (which I took last week!)

And for comparison, Robert's 28 week belly shot

That's about it for now really! Thank you for your comments on the last few entries, I love reading them!

28 weeks - mw appointment, diabetes.

2010-07-15T12:45:00.002+01:00

As most of you will probably know from facebook, my results came back from the glucose tolerance test as me having "elavated blood sugar levels", which implies that I do indeed have gestational diabetes. I was in complete shock when she told me, I was completely expecting her to say it was fine. So now she has referred me to a diabetes nurse on Wednesday, as well as the consultant on Monday, and will probably get referred to a specialist consultant as well. What a nightmare!

I have no idea what to expect on Monday, what is going to be asked/discussed. I feel a little left out in the wind right now, not knowing what's going on. I feel fine in myself, apart from the odd spate of tiredness which I put down to pregnancy in general. What I'm finding weird is the sheer volume of appointments with various people I have had and been given to attend. Had my MW app at 24+4, then my blood test this monday gone at 27+4, MW at 27+6, got my consultant app on 28+4, diabetic nurse app 28+6, then MW again 29+4. Will likely have more cons apps, diabetic nurse apps, diabetes consultant apps and growth scans along with normal (and extra!!!) MW apps. I feel completely overwhelmed if truth be told.

This combined with needing to get over Robert's birth. I surprisingly had a normal BP after she told me I had diabetes, but I bet if she was to take it now having had time to digest it and everything else, it'd be sky high. And surprise surprise - no glucose in urine. She said she's going to speak to Louise for me regarding a debrief since I've not heard back from the community midwife unit yet.

I am confused following a phone call with my dad (supposed type 2 diabetic who says he never has any problem with it anymore and everyone who sees him regarding his diabetes always says "why are you here?") about the glucose levels she put in my notes, and just how low they've put the threshold for diabetes, as my sugar levels showed up as 8.9 after 2 hours from drinking that drink, 5.1 before hand. So I dunno. I am confused, and overwhelmed, and despite the extra scans I will get to see Squidge again, I am suddenly wishing for the normal pregnancy I appeared to have with Robert.

I am also somewhat selfishly wondering about what sort of diet changes I will have to make. I like my treats, maybe they are becoming more of a regularity than treat these days as the thought that I won't be able to have them anymore is scary. I already eat plenty of fruit and veg, I've made the switch from white to wholegrain bread (Hovis seed sensations, I'm not sure if it counts as wholemeal, but it's surely better than white?). I am worried though that maybe I will carry on having diabetes after Squidge is here. I wonder if I have to cut out all sugar completely. Can I have yoghurts? Can I have jam on my toast in the morning?

And then yesterday I made the mistake of telling Sarah while other people around. Off sparked a discussion amongst everyone in the room on gestational diabetes, how I would now HAVE to have a hospital birth, whether I like it or not, etc. Sigh. I just want to crawl under a rock and stay there for the rest of this pregnancy.

Then there's the guilt factor coming in - could my eating habits have made this happen? If I'd been more careful, and treated my treats as such, would I be happily telling people my blood test came back clear? If maybe I wasn't obese in the first place, if I'd made more of an effort to lose the weight before would I be here now?

Well it's 28 weeks today, so it is time for a new belly picture, which I've not got round to taking yet. I'll take it later today. I hope everyone's ok.

27 weeks 5 days - mothers instincts? Name spoiler finally!!

2010-07-13T11:30:00.003+01:00

I don't know if it's because of the several dreams I have had now, but I can't help but think of Squidge as a little girl. Last night I was laying in bed, Squidge was being overly active, which was lovely and I was just watching my belly wobble around, feeling the little pokes wriggles and (for the first time this pregnancy!!) hiccups! I lay there looking fondly at my bump and allowing myself to daydream about little Erin (yes I finally succumbed, there you go!! That's our girl's name!!) joining us in October, signing cards from Nicola, Jonathan, Robert and Erin. I couldn't help but keep thinking about that name. And then I felt guilty, because what if it's Christopher and not Erin? Christopher still doesn't sit perfectly well in my mind and heart. Whether it's because I don't believe the baby is a boy deep down, or because I am thinking it's a girl because we both like the name Erin so much, I don't know.

I so want to tell myself that it's a boy. I just know so many people who are having girls and only a couple who are having boys so I just feel that for that reason I'll have another boy because then it'll be more even. I know it doesn't work like that but I can't help but think it. I'm actually terrified that by allowing myself to whole heartedly believe that the baby is a girl, that by thinking "Erin" automatically when I look at my bump, and feel the baby move, that I'm setting myself up for huge disappointment when I find out that I'm not having my Erin afterall. I can't believe what started out as a small niggly feeling in the back of my mind has now turned into such an overpowering feeling it's completely overriden my "boy" thoughts completely.

I keep thinking about the growth scans I am likely to get. Keep thinking "there's still that chance to find out". And I still think that although the urge gets stronger every day to find out the sex, will I be hugely disappointed that I caved in and disallowed myself the surprise? Part of me is looking forward to the surprise at the birth so much, but part of me now, with these overwhelming "it's a girl" thoughts is getting me scared that I will not accept a boy so lovingly in my mind if it's a surprise, especially since I have a leaning towards wanting a girl this time.

Every time I hear about someone who's found out they're having a girl, I inwardly groan, like it makes it less likely that I'm having one! How crazy is that?! I know that at the end of the day I will love my tiny baby boy just as much as if he were a girl, because I thought the same with Robert, I wanted him to be a girl, he wasn't, but I love him so much and wouldn't make him a girl for the world now! Wouldn't change a thing about him. He makes me so proud every day.

Anyway that's enough rambling about that. Tomorrow I will be having my 28 week midwife appointment, she will let me know the results of the glucose tolerance test I had yesterday, and do all the routine checks, and I'll talk to her about my birthing worries and my dreams and see what she says about that. I've not heard back from the community midwife office yet regarding my debrief on Robert's birth so I'll see what happens tomorrow.

26 weeks 5 days - random things

2010-07-06T13:12:00.003+01:00

Firstly, I think Robert is in the middle of weaning himself :( He is usually most eager in the mornings, but lately, all he wants to do is immediately climb off the bed and go and play, no snuggle time for mummy and daddy at all :( He will occasionally come up to me afterwards and have some milk briefly, but it's never for very long anymore. And at night before bed he seems to sign milk very happily, but as soon as I lay down on the bed he goes to climb off, so more often than not lately he's been going to bed without having any milk at all. And I can't remember the last time he asked in the middle of the day. I still have 3 months to go of this pregnancy and it seems very likely he will have completely self weaned within a month, so by the time he's 20 months old. But if it is to be, it is to be. I'd much rather he wean himself slowly like he is doing than to suddenly stop. I think I will ask Jonathan to take some pictures the next time Robert has some milk, as it may be the last breastfeeding picture of Robert I have! I do so love the ones I have of him when he is younger, the last one we have is of him around 10 months old. So almost half his life ago!

Another thing is that the closer to the end of pregnancy I get (I know, I'm not even 3/4 of the way through yet!) the more I worry about a repeat performance of Robert's birth. Or perhaps not a repeat performance, but that worrying about Robert's birth will make me "clam up" during birth and make it harder on me. I have had some rather horrific dreams of late, one of which was only a couple of nights ago, I was in labour, and baby was in trouble, got itself into a strange position in the womb (its head was sticking OUT of my belly, so you could see its face and everything!). The midwife although they were around, was not with me and I couldn't find her. I could sense that in my dream I was tense and while I don't remember any pain I remember the stalling of labour and when finally the baby was born he (yes he) was in so much trouble breathing that I couldn't do anything for him and he died. :(

That is probably one of the greatest fears regarding Robert's birth. Both Jonathan and I were in so much shock when Robert was born that he wasn't breathing, and was blue/black all over, that if the midwives hadn't been around, he would have died. In fact, Jonathan told me that when Robert was born, he thought that Robert was already dead.

I read in the pregnancy book that came with the bounty pack I got at 8 weeks from the midwife a section on postnatal post traumatic stress disorder. When I read that section I thought "that's what I had". Symptoms including numbness to emotion, irritability, irrationality, depression. Caused by a fear of death either of yourself or your baby. While the anti-depressants I was on helped with the PND I suffered, I think there is some more work I need to do on Robert's birth and my worries surrounding this.

I still remember the numbness I felt after he was born. I remember sitting on the sofa numbly (fully naked but not caring!!!), watching them with Robert as they fought to get him breathing, I remember going into the ambulance, sitting on the seat in there and the midwife telling me it was ok to cry but I couldn't cry. I remember seeing him in the incubator for the first time after I'd had my stitches done and had a bath, and feeling nothing towards him. A day later I was able to cry. A few weeks after Robert was born, I was able to think back to the birth without immediately bursting into tears, but I then did sort of block it from my mind.

Now, with Squidge's birth getting closer and closer I can't help but think about Robert's again and I do have tears in my eyes right now thinking about it. I think it will be necessary to get some help in overcoming my blocked feelings towards his birth, it was probably something I should have done a long time ago but I am beginning to realise now that it is something that needs to be done, and when I see my midwife again in a week's time, I shall talk to her about it and see what she can suggest. I need to do something. For me. For Squidge, and for Robert too.

EDIT: Additional thoughts on the dreams since I first posted this entry.

The one I said above was only one half. The next half of the dream, I can't remember if it was a second one after having woken briefly and fallen asleep again, or if it followed on, but I was in labour again with a different baby. I remember the 2nd labour stalling again, as I was nervous due to the other birth, but after a while I sort of "swallowed" it, and just tried to put it out of my mind, and did what I thought I should. Again, there was no midwife around (although again, there was supposed to be one near), and I again birthed alone, bending down to receive the baby myself. The baby was ok, and I was so relieved, yet my feelings still seemed a little squashed. This baby, while looking practically identical to the baby boy who died, and was a similar weight (BIG!), was a baby girl.

I found myself wondering, if the first birth in the sequence was meant to represent Robert's birth, the baby who would have died if no midwives were around. And if maybe, some glimmer of hope, that the second birth, is meant to represent Squidge's birth, that while I still have some risidual feelings left over from the first birth, I manage to squash them, and successfully birth a healthy baby (GIRL????!!!) who even with lack of immediate midwife care would be alright?

I think I would still need to talk to someone, try and get these issues I have surrounding Robert's birth out in the open, but if the second half of the dream is a vision of Squidge's birth, maybe I should try and remain positive.