Mental shift

This week I've had a mental shift with regards to how productive I feel - particularly around the house. I still need to kick my arse into gear and do more, but I felt like my house is a tip (well it kinda is) and that everyone else surely had MUCH better houses than mine. Even with small kids. They could at least put things away in their proper place, and run a hoover around every few days, and maybe even dust a bit. I saw a photo a couple of days ago, of a room in someone's house. And let's put it this way - it was a lot worse than anything in my house! (except maybe the garage - possibly) Of course, it could be their one room that's messy and everything else is immaculate - a'la Monica in Friends' cupboard. But it's made me feel a lot better about our house. Of course I would like to get it tidy, clear away the clutter and rubbish that's scattered about our house. And that is in progress - my mum's partner has kindly offered to us that he'll get our under-stairs area turned into cupboards for material-cost only. We've had a quote on converting our garage into additional rooms as well, AND J's parents have offered to loan us the money - interest free (have I mentioned before how lovely they are??!!) - to have that done. Of course we'll now need a garden shed as once the garage starts to be converted we'll need homes for all the garden tools and what-not. I've made a start on our holiday packing list. And I hope to start actually packing tonight as well. We go away on Monday, which isn't really the best day to go away in my opinion - we'll be coming back the following Monday, then Jonathan will be off to work the next day and I'll be left on my own with 2 post-holiday hyper kids, several suitcases of dirty washing, plus whatever else we've left the house in. But anyway, over all my mood is a lot better. My negative thoughts are significantly fewer and far between, although I still get down about the state of the house sometimes. But it's getting easier. Thank you for the comments on the last post. I do know it's the right thing to do deep down.

Well..

My period arrived yesterday. Which makes it a 35 day cycle. I guess the longer the better now, since we are officially NOT trying for a baby anymore. For now. I started spotting on Saturday so I knew then that was that.

I'm feeling quite sad. But accepting I guess. Just sad for my "could have been" baby, sad for me a little bit. But I know deep down that it's probably for the best.

I had another session of CBT this morning, and J had an appointment at the doctor too because the last few days, he's been really down and upset, depressed even. He's had a load of bumpf to look at about depression and a health questionnaire to fill in. He's getting blood tests done, and has another appointment on Friday.

We are going away on holiday next Monday. I hope we are both feeling better by then, that he is feeling better and that we both enjoy it.

Things I need to factor in are socialising for myself with other mums. And couple time with J.

We went to J's parents house yesterday. It was father's day but J hadn't got anything for his dad. He told him so on the phone and S was fine with that. He got an "I Love You" and a hug from J though which apparently he hasn't had in years, so that probably was one of the best presents he could have got anyway. It was so hard seeing J upset around his parents. So odd seeing my husband towering over his parents, and being comforted by them. We had a good talk in the garden after tea, about various topics. We haven't had a lot of talks like that lately. We are both so worried about each other, and trying hard to be each other's rock.

I know for me the focus is the boys - to the extent I sometimes forget about myself. That's something the counsellor at CBT helped me see today. And those moments I do go upstairs for 15 minutes while the boys watch TV downstairs, I feel *SO* guilty about. Like it's my dirty little secret that I leave them downstairs while I come upstairs and muck about on the computer, and abandon them. I do feel that. Even now while I am blogging and they are quietly watching TV I feel bad that I'm neglecting them.

There's so much to work on, I want to give them my best, and after today's session I think I realise that I have to put some effort into ME and my relationship with their dad as well as them.

CD34...

Hmmm... Still NO SIGN whatsoever of my period. I've not had any spotting at all this month, absolutely nada. In the 6 full cycles I've had since Christopher's birth, two have been 29 day cycles, two have been 30 days, one has been 32 days and one has been 34 days. I just don't know what's going to happen. If I'll end up with a longer cycle than before even or if I'll get my period tomorrow some time. Yesterday morning I had a twinge which made me feel like maybe my period was coming. But nothing yet.

I have one pregnancy test left, it's a CBD. I'm wondering whether to take it tomorrow morning or wait til Monday. I *know* it'll be best to wait til Monday, but I'm really not sure I can. It's a miracle really I've even waited this long. I just know if I'd had any cheapy tests they'd be gone by now, one a day since Monday :P Monday, I'll be on CD37 if my period hasn't shown up.

And whenever I do test... I'll be nervous if the result is positive, mainly because of Jonathan's reaction. I really don't know how he'll be if it's positive. He's having a hard time of late, and I'm a little scared if the result is positive, if the news of another baby on the way will tip him over the edge. I don't think I've ever felt so conflicted ever... especially as we have been TTC since January. I guess the thought going round my head is... if I am pregnant - do I tell Jonathan straight away??!! Or leave it a little while so I can try and guage how he will react?

CD32

I'm expecting my period by the weekend. I know a baby will happen when it's the "right time" but I am not expecting to be pregnant this month even though we have done what is required. I don't feel pregnant at all. But it's shaping up to be a long cycle. Since Christopher, my cycles have been between 29 and 34 days long. So given that I only have one pregnancy test left, I will not be testing until Monday, which will hopefully be long enough for my period to show up, and give a few days grace.

I've had a couple of sessions of CBT. I've got a few issues, this week I'm focussing on my routine and getting my days more productive. I also need to work on my feelings of isolation, and how I perceive myself. I also think J would be happy to wait for a while before we have another one (assuming I am not pregnant already) as he's getting a bit bogged down by stuff. So if there is no baby on the way now, we'll be officially not trying for a baby.