How lucky am I?

In my mind, I am a mother of 3-4 children. Jonathan however has said he only wants 2. I must admit, I do think I can persuade him to go for another, because if I didn't, I think I would have held on to Christopher's pregnancy more. Cherished it more. Not moaned despite the diabetes. I look at our two boys, and I love them more than anything, but to me, our family is not complete. I don't know whether it will be complete after a third, or a fourth child. I can't see myself with more than four children, but four definitely is a possibility.

If (when?) I persuade Jonathan that we should add to our family, I am thinking that we would start trying around April/May 2012, which would be when Christopher is about 18 months old. I don't know why a slightly longer age gap is in my mind, it just is. It is crazy, even now I think to myself how I'd love to be pregnant again. Although it is a wistful romanticised thought, I do not want another baby yet! Nor do I really want to possibly be dealing with morning sickness, and aching boobs, and so on, yet.

One thing I know I will most likely get asked a LOT if (when) we have a third child is "so, are you trying for a girl?" and I won't lie, a girl WOULD be nice. But if Christopher had been a girl, I would still have wanted another! Even if I am destined for a family of three or four boys, then so be it! I'm not one of those people who is going to get pregnant again and again to have that elusive gendered baby. I might decide, after having a fourth baby (if that's what we decide to have) that a fifth would be nice, but that would be regardless of the gender of the children we already have!

Robert went to a birthday party at the weekend. One of the mums was talking to my friend who's son was the birthday boy. "So, a boy and a girl, one of each, that's nice" said the mum. Like my friend was so lucky and blessed to have a son and a daughter. Like two sons, or two daughters were somehow less special. "Yeah it is" said my friend with a broad grin, holding her 4 month old baby girl. I was sat there, holding my second son to my breast, and thinking to myself how lucky I am to have two CHILDREN. How lucky I am that they are both such calm beings. How lucky I am to have been able to breastfeed them both. How lucky I am that despite my first son's difficult delivery he is safe and healthy. How lucky I am that despite my second son's more complicated pregnancy and induction of labour he too is safe and healthy. How lucky I am that I can re-use my first son's clothes. How lucky I am to be able to spend my days with two lovely little boys, and notice their differences and similarities all the more. How lucky I am that I will get to watch my two boys grow up to be best friends, and hopefully remain best friends forever. How lucky am I? Very lucky. Would I be more lucky if my second child had been a girl? No. Am I more lucky that he is a boy? No. I'm lucky to be a mum, full stop.

Here's just how lucky I am.

Projects.

I'm sure I'm not the only one, but I feel a lot of the time that I NEED a project of some sort to work on. Yes I love being a mum, and doing things with the kids, but sometimes it can be a bit samey, the days and weeks roll into each other. A project helps keep time in perspective a bit I think.

The main project of the moment is of course my weight loss. Which has been going pretty great. With Robert's illness, he has lost a bit of weight, meaning that with my latest weight loss, I have now lost the equivalent of Robert's current weight myself, which is amazing when you lift a 2 year old and think "wow, I was carry around that much extra weight all the time 4 months ago!" I am almost halfway to my goal of 10 stone, which would put me at a BMI of 21.4ish. And to date since Christopher's birth I have dropped from a BMI of 31.5 to a BMI of 26.5. Setting myself new goals when I reach one really helps me keep my time and weight loss in perspective, and makes me feel proud of myself, as I am doing this by myself, and keeping motivated for the first time in a long time! The last time I tried losing weight before the boys were conceived, I went from around 203lb to 183lb before giving up. This time I have gone from 207lb to 175lb and am still going strong.

Another project I want to get underway is the house. If we can afford it! The house is a mess. We simply have not enough storage and I do need something to give me some housepride, it would be LOVELY to work on the house and actually do something with it! It is pretty much the same as when we bought it almost 3 years ago, but with some bookcases and a bit of extra furniture and a whole lot more clutter (and 2 extra kids!! lol!)

I think by working on 1 room at a time, things will get moving along great. And the first room I want to think about is the kitchen. We simply do NOT have enough storage in there. And what I would love is to remove the radiator from the kitchen (we don't use it!) and put either open shelves (sort of like a cabinet) or maybe with some glass doors on the front on the wall with the door. Extra storage, which would make everything easier to keep clean and clear. Maybe think about a lick of paint, or new flooring too. Then move to the downstairs loo, maybe put some shelves up in there, take out the towel rack and put a hook instead.

Then maybe look at the bathroom - new shower head and bath fitting needed desperately there, plus maybe boxing in the sink to add a little extra storage once more.

Then see from there, maybe do the boy's bedroom - lick of paint (maybe stay overnight at Jonathan's parents while the paint dries!!), new carpet, new permanent black out blind, curtains, etc. And then the living room after that. At some point we will be converting the garage, so we can move the study downstairs and have a third bedroom again, plus have a dining room (more room in the living room without the table there!).

It feels nice to plan. I'd like to buy a shelving unit/cabinet for the kitchen this weekend. Get this ball rolling!

Poorly Robert :(

Well, Robert has picked up some kind of bug. Either from playgroup on Friday morning, or from the birthday party he attended yesterday afternoon. Last night at 11.30pm, he started screaming, we got him out of bed, and he promptly threw up all over the floor, and his clothes. One cleanup operation later (thankfully with Jonathan well enough to help unlike the last time Robert was sick), and we had a little boy back in bed.

Then around 12am, it happened again, this time in his bed. Bed change number 1. Then he threw up again at 1am-ish, then 2am-ish, then 3.30am, then 5am... 3 bed changes later, and 4 changes of clothes. He might have been sick again since then, I can't remember.

But then at 8ish, he woke, Jonathan brought him in, and put him on the bed. Poor little fella just flopped down on the bed and lay there. :( We asked him if he wanted to come up and lay under the covers and sleep in bed with us, and eventually he climbed up, but then saw my boobs, and settled down to have milky. He was on the breast for some time, and while still on the breast, proceeded to throw it all back up again (all over me, and our bed). He threw up a little more once I'd got him into the bathroom (standing by the bath so he could be sick into there) and he was SO distraught, shaking, crying, and kept saying "Go!" He was so upset each time he threw up in the night as well, but each time he threw up, and then cuddled me afterwards, he clung so tightly, I just wanted to cry alongside him.

He's not been sick since then, we figured he must have taken in too much milk for his stomach to cope with, so I've been letting him stay on for a 5 count after my milk lets down a little. He's been sleeping since 11.30 although he woke at 1.15 and I gave him a bit more milk. My poor baby :( Being a parent is so hard sometimes, not just because of the sleep deprivation thing you get at the start. I hope he gets better soon.

Drinking in pure love

We were laid on my bed, just Christopher and me. His warm soft body still and snug against my body. He was coming up to bedtime, and was getting sleepy yet still alert and aware of everything. He took the breast willingly, and started suckling away. Every now and then our eyes would meet, and he would break into his beautiful grin, still with my breast in his mouth, as if to tell me that there was nowhere else he'd rather be.

My milk let down, and he started drinking in earnest, sucking and swallowing, and again, his eyes would lock into mine, still drinking, and I could feel then, as he nursed, that he was drinking pure love, my gift to my baby, and my gift to myself. Tears of joy burning my eyes, watching his eyelids grow heavy, I realise that I truly am a mother, and in that moment in time, laying there next to my sweet baby boy, there really is nothing else I'd rather be.

Not diabetic.

Well I had my glucose tolerance test on the 21st December (while someone was in labour I believe? Hahaha!). I finally got the results back this morning in the post.

I had a normal fasting glucose level of 4.4, but a raised level of 8.5 after 2 hours, which is out of the diabetic range but does suggest impaired glucose tolerance, meaning I should try and adopt a healthier diet and lifestyle (ie, cut down on sugars and exercise more, and lose weight) to try and make sure I don't get diabetes later.

I have already lost 2 stone since Christopher was born, which puts me firmly into the overweight category (which is a breath of fresh air after being in the obese category for so long!). I want to lose almost 3 stone more to get to my ideal weight, and I am planning on getting there by my birthday this year which is in July. Meaning I have 6 months to lose just under 3 stone. This should be do-able as I have lost 2 stone in under 4 months. I have already dropped 2 (4?) dress sizes, from a size 20 to a size 16, and am aiming for a size 12 at least, or a generous size 10. I am trying to get out and about more often as well, to ease up the exercise. I think I am also going to try and have a look in a low carb cookbook I got for christmas, to try and cut down on the sugars even more, and therefore reduce the amount of insulin my body needs to make.

We shall see though. For now, my goal is to try and lose weight, and to gently up my exercise. I am glad I am not diabetic, even if it is more likely I will get it due to my impaired tolerance. We shall see.

Well baby clinic

Well, Christopher got weighed yesterday. Which was 9 days later than the previous weigh in. In those 9 days he gained 11oz which is 2 ounces more than he gained during the previous 4 weeks. So he's almost back up to the 25th centile line again whereas he had dropped down to almost the 9th. I have added in a few extra feeds. Feeding him when he's not had one in an hour or two, but before he is starving. I have also started to give him the 2nd breast. 1 always seemed enough but I figured it couldn't harm to try. And well, it seems to have worked!

Little man has also started teething in earnest and seems quite troubled by them and in a lot of pain some of the time. :(

Good news is that Robert hasn't been sick since Wednesday dinner time, and Jonathan also went back to work today. Sooooo pleased! A sick partner seems to create a lot more work and stress than a sick child!

I've really been getting to wraps (hehe) with my ellaroo woven wrap. I think I've perfected the front carry. I really want to have a go at a back carry too! It's so comfy, and sooo pretty. :)

This photo was taken on Xmas day. It shows the prettiness but not the perfect tie. :)

The flu

The flu and a sickness bug has hit our household. Jonathan was in bed for well over 3/4 of a day with flu symptoms, and Robert was ill last night (all over the bed and himself) and he was ill again during dinner although I didn't give him very much. He generally seems quite cheerful though, but I have stocked some clean bedding outside his room ready for incase he should be sick again. I would probably bet a tenner he will be sick in his bed again tonight.

Combined with C being very unsettled today, and checking on J from time to time, I feel very run down. I hope I'm not getting what either of them have. I really don't want to have to look after two poorly boys while being poorly myself. Although the fact that I am feeling run down today makes it more likely to become ill.

I have a "well baby clinic" appointment to attend with Christopher (and Robert) tomorrow morning. I am not looking forward to that. One, because of the illness. Two, because of Christopher's slow weight gain. I am comfortable in myself now that all is ok (thanks to your comments, Alice and Meg!), that he is generally a happy baby, and I KNOW he is getting plenty of milk, given that he still from time to time splutters on my fast let down, and even after he's finished, and I decide to see if I can get a drop or two of milk out, and it SQUIRTS about a metre across the room... I don't see there's any problem in that regards!

And if I so much as hear the W word (wean) I will tell them where to go. I made that mistake with Robert, I won't be making it again.

I wish I had some chocolate... I am very tempted to pull out that delicious chocolate cake recipe again and bake one. But then maybe having no chocolate in the house is a good thing, seeing as I gained 1lb this week.

I feel, I pause, I breathe

At the end of the day, holding a tiny person up against my chest I hear him sucking his thumb. I feel his hand flop down, and his warm little body molding to the shape of mine. I stand up, walk to his room. Standing by his cot, I pause, bend my head slightly, and breathe in his gorgeous hair. I stand there for a few moments, and marvel, and thank, and smile. I place him down in his cot, without so much as a stir from him, and watch the rhythmic rising and falling of his chest. I cover him over with the blanket, and thank, marvel, and smile once more before leaving the room.

A day in the life of...

I thought, for interest's sake, that I would post a day in the life of me kind of entry. Now these aren't always exactly the same, but it gives you an idea about my life as a mum I suppose.

4.30am-6.30am: Christopher wakes for his feed. Jonathan gets him out of the cot and puts him on my chest. I latch him on and roll onto my side to feed him. I usually doze, and once Christopher is either squirming with wind, or asleep, or does a poo, we get him up and either burp him then re-offer the breast, put him down in his cot, or change him then re-offer the breast. We all go back to sleep.

6.15-7am: Robert wakes up, usually with screams, or at least that's what we hear first most mornings. We try and settle him again if it's before 7am, but if he gets too distressed, he comes into us. He snuggles down against me on whichever side is usually more engorged, although he will usually get up after a while and demand the "uh-huh gah-gee" before clambering over and helping himself to the other side. Once he is finished he will become the toddler tornado, and either try and bounce on us, or just crash around in his room while playing with his toys. We tend to end up with cars/farm animals/books on our bed, on the floor next to our bed, under the covers, in our underwear drawers etc. It's somewhat of a treasure hunt to try and find them all to move them back into his room.
After a while, he will get bored of playing by himself, and begin yelling at the top of his lungs for "DADDY!! AY ARM!" (Daddy, play with the farm).

7.30-7.45am: Jonathan gets up to "ay arm" with Robert, while I doze or feed Christopher if he has woken up. Jonathan will brush Robert's teeth.

8.15am: One of us heads downstairs to make breakfast, while the other changes Robert's nappy and gets him dressed. Christopher is usually asleep, but if he's not, Robert usually goes downstairs with the breakfast maker to play. Christopher, if awake, gets his nappy changed and gets dressed.

8.30am-8.45am: We eat breakfast together at the table. Christopher in his bouncy chair if awake.

9am-9.15am: Jonathan heads off to work. I get Robert cleaned up, and go and take out and wash up the dishes, while Robert plays.

During the morning: I try and do any urgent jobs that need doing as and when I can, eg, loads of washing, hanging up said washing, putting away washing, along with tending to Christopher, playing with Robert, and maybe putting my feet up for half an hour. I must admit Robert does watch a fair amount of TV, although these days it tends to be DVDs (either Peppa Pig or Thomas the Tank Engine).

11.30am: I go and make Robert's lunch, and give it to him to eat at his table. I tend to wait because if he doesn't eat it all, I'll eat what's left of his (if it's in a state to do so!) and make myself something proportionally less while he naps, to save wastage.

12.15pm: I give Robert his 5/10 minute warning that it's nearly nap time, after which we head upstairs for his nap. I put him in his cot, tuck him in, then proceed to listen to train/cow/whatever other noises for half an hour. If I time it well, then I get Christopher down for his nap shortly before I take Robert upstairs, and he sleeps past when Robert wakes if he's particularly tired.
During Robert's nap, I class this as ME time, unless of course C is awake. I play on my computer, or watch TV, eat lunch, take a shower, etc. If I'm really behind on the essential housework I'll do that.

1.45-3pm: Robert wakes from his nap (although this depends on when he goes to sleep, sometimes he'll be awake in his cot for an hour before going to sleep!! If he's happy I leave him to it!). We go downstairs, I make him a snack and a drink, and we play til Christopher wakes up. During the day when I feed Christopher, Robert will usually climb up too and ask for milk, but he's taken to asking quite often throughout the day anyway now, regardless on whether Christopher is even downstairs or not.

4.45-5pm: I go make (or reheat from the freezer) Robert's dinner. He eats it either at his little table if he sits well, or at the big table on his booster chair if he doesn't. After his dinner (he will usually eat most of a full child's plate of food, followed by a pudding of yoghurt and fruit afterwards), he will play until 6.30-7pm, when I take him upstairs for his bath.

7pm: he's in his bath by now, we play, wash hair and face after what's usually quite a messy dinner (especially if it's spag bol, he loves this and shovels it into his mouth with his hand absolutely full of it, too much to go into his mouth properly and ends up smeared around his face)

7.30pm: Jonathan is back by now, he comes in, and Robert hears his keys clank on the table downstairs. "ooooh! Dadda!" he will exclaim, and if he's in the bath he will lean over the edge of the bath to see him. :) Robert gets out of the bath (usually to protests), dry, and nappy on, gets changed, teeth brushed, and story read, before we pick him up for a "big hug" and a "big kiss", then Jonathan tucks him in, sings him some songs (usually Grand Old Duke of York and Twinkle Twinkle, but occasionally others too), then close the door. Robert is 9.5 times out of ten down for the night then.

The rest of the evening is spent with us eating our dinner, feeding and playing with Christopher, then getting him to sleep, and relaxing.

I can see why...

I can see why some women who aren't confident in breastfeeding can get pressured into thinking their milk isn't good enough sometimes.

This morning, I went to the baby stay and play with Christopher, while Robert spent the morning as usual with his grandparents. The Surestart ladies put the scales out, and I weighed Christopher on them for the first time since he was about 10 weeks old. Four weeks ago he weighed 12lb with his nappy and vest on. This morning, I was somewhat disheartened to find that he weighed just 12lb 9oz, so a gain of a little more than 9oz in 4 weeks. I am sure that if it had been the health visitor who had weighed him, there would be questions regarding the quality/quantity of my milk.

Now, I know that Christopher is a different baby to Robert, who, from the age of 2 weeks, climbed steadily on the 50th centile line til gone 1 year, and he is now 75th+. Christopher went from 25th at 2 weeks, to 50th at 5 weeks, back down to 25th at 10 weeks, now he's under the 25th (half way between the lines) at 14 weeks. He is getting plenty of wet nappies... not so many pooey ones. He saves all his poos for a day or two each week spaced fairly evenly. Before I had him weighed I simply thought maybe he was processing his milk fairly efficiently. Now I am wondering if, despite tandem feeding and therefore having plenty of milk, am I doing something wrong? Am I letting C sleep too much? Am I letting Robert have too much milk (or too soon - before Christopher is due a feed)? Am I not getting enough hindmilk into Christopher?

After he went to sleep at 4pm-ish, I woke him up after I had run Robert's bath, around 7pm. Fed him while Robert sat in the bath, then put him in the bath too. Then after his bath, I fed him again as he was wrapped in the towel. And then he fed again after he was dressed.

Am I being too paranoid? Or should I try and make sure that Christopher always has first dibs - let him have his fill of one breast and then put him on the other, and let Robert go on Christopher's first? I tend to just let Robert climb up and help himself to the other one when C starts to feed.

At what point should I start to worry and re-think my feeding routines?